OPEN POST: Mateo's Broken Disco Stick!

Have you ever heard of Mateus Mendonca? Me either, but he's been making the news lately, and no, it's not about the time he stormed a gym as an eight-year-old in his native Brazil and threatened to slash his brother's bully with a scalpel. "I was maybe too violent," he says of his tumultuous youth in a no-shit-Sherlock moment of reflection. Luckily, that violent nature found an outlet in MMA fighting, which was all thanks to...

...you guessed it, his mama, who enrolled her near-homicidal pre-teen son in jiu-jitsu class shortly after (she's pictured above proudly holding his first trophy). Now twenty-five, Mateo has fought with the UFC and has continued fighting professionally in Brazil - until December 23rd, 2024, that is, when he broke his pork sword in a training session. "I felt an absurd pain," he recounted, describing the moment when his teammate kneed him in the crotch, after which he heard a loud cracking sound. Soon after, his peen and potatoes swelled to scary proportions and turned dark purple. 

Luckily, his girlfriend told him that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't normal and to visit the hospital. There, it took doctors just one look before they whisked him into emergency peen surgery. Luckily, Mateo's man machete will live to fight another day - though he must remain abstinent for six long weeks. Sorry, Mateo's girlfriend, no riding, blowing or hand-jobbing his buttermilk shooter for a while, though there's nothing to stop him from cleaning your carpet, if'n you get my drift. Munch that lunch, Mateo. Also, maybe don't fight or practice in the future if you have a full on chub. Lesson learned, I hope. Oh, and if you weren't really "practicing" with your teammate - wink-wink - when the accident happened, lesson also learned, I hope. 

Photo Credits: Getty Images; Zuffa LLC

BTW, looking for Peckerwood's Weekly Lunocracy Post? It's RIGHT HERE.

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