EVENIGHT NIGHTCAP: It's Celeb Splitsville Season! Jessica & Cash; Lily & David; and Kaia & Austin.

 

January is typically breakup season for celebs. After celebrating the holidays with faux smiles and all the trappings of domestic bliss, when sober January comes around, so do the walking papers. That tees up today's theme: SPLITSVILLE!

 

► Reports are coming out that singer Lily Allen (39) and David Harbour (49), actor on Stranger Things, have unofficially-officially split after 5 years of matrimony. The unraveling started when Lily discovered David's not-so secret profile on the celebrity dating app, Raya . Was David looking for what some are speculating as a kinky hookup given Lily's previous statements about their sex life? Who knows. Last year, Lily said this on a podcast: “I wonder if I kink-shame my husband because he often asks for things,” she said on the Miss Me? podcast in June 2024, “and I’m like, ‘No, babe, it’s not happening.’ I’m not like, ‘You piece of sh*t, how dare you ask me to do that!" Wow, that's some bizarre stuff. David's dating app profile is below, which had me cackling. Read More

David Harbour and Lily Allen. Photo: Uproxx.com

Comment: He listed Led Zeppelin's "Houses of the Holy" as his profile song on the dating app. This dumb shit doesn't know his Led Zep from his culo. "House of the Holy" is the name of the album and not a song. EDIT: Correction...Houses of the Holy is a song on Physical Graffiti. It's also the name of a Led Zep album. WTF was my culo thinking! Anyhoo, I gotta wonder if his kink involves a rosary disguised as anal beads, a velvet painting of DaVinci's "Last Supper", tray of Milk Duds, and a 7 ft (2.13 meter) tall dominatrix that goes by the name Mistress Lola.  I'm just spitballing theories. To add another strange twist to these two: Last November, Lily admitted on a podcast that she uses ChatGPT when she argues with David. Um, using AI to help you win an argument is pathetic. If you can't tell your weirdo husband to piss-off because of whatever strange kink he's asking you to do, then you have bigger problems beyond a shitty marriage.  IMO, Lily and David are two donkeys short of a cart.

Image: Raya / Daily Mail

 

► After 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, and building a business empire "The Honest Company", Jessica Alba (43) and Cash Warren (45) are headed for divorce court. The news doesn't come as a big surprise as Jessica has been sashaying the red carpet the past couple of weeks without her wedding ring, leading the paps to speculate something was amiss. The couple didn't share an official reason for the split but it's safe to say they will check-off the "irreconcilable differences" box.  Read More

Comment:  I never noticed how much Cash Warren resembles Mark Ruffalo. They could pass for brothers. Oh well, another celeb marriage bites the dust. 

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. Photo: Jessica Alba IG / Page Six

 

► Kaia Gerber (23) and Austin Butler (33) have decided they've had enough of each other and are going their separate ways after 3 years of dating.  They gave no reason for the split. I'm going to take a guess that she was fed up with his faux Elvis accent and sharing hair care products. Prior to dating Austin, Kaia dated Jacob Elordi who played Elvis Presley in the Priscilla Presley biopic. Austin was in a 9 year relationship with the self-proclaimed queen of Coachella, Vanessa Hudgens.  Read More

Comment: Kaia must have a "thing" for Elvis impersonators because she dated Austin and Jacob, both who portrayed Elvis. Given that Elvis's 100th 90th birthday will be in 2027, I'm sure Hollywood is whipping up more movies about him. That gives her ample time to audition a new "Burning Love" who she "Can't Help Fall In Love" with because of his "Blue Suede Shoes".  *ba dum tsss*

 

Kaia Gerber and Austin Butler. Photo: Kevin Mazur/MG22/Getty Images for Vogue/Page Six