Peckerwood Manor

Pang Pha is a particular elephant. She loves her bananas, but only if they come a certain way and she knows what she likes. This beauty should live out her life in comfort with muscled, gorgeous go-go boys in tiny shorts feeding her all the bananas she can eat. Yellow-green is preferred, but in a pinch, she will peel her own bananas. Thank you very much . Even go-go boys need their beauty sleep.  As manor residents, we get to interview worthy employees skilled enough to care for our Pang Pha and be eye candy so we can ogle and objectify them whenever we feel like it. Oh, and we feel like it. Oh yes, we do ! photo: Getty

Why not have some warm fuzzies on a Monday? If you are like me and love animals more than people, then this story is for you. If you wonder if you have a heart, well, this litmus test will answer that question. A little baby elephant is reunited in danger and lost from her herd, but if the herd smells human on her, she won't be accepted back.  See? Even elephants know human beings are garbage and a scourge to the earth. Well, okay, 90 percent of people are, but elephants aren't taking any chances, just in case. Reject all of us and keep it simple.