Porn Apocalypse in the Yahoo States!

The world is on fire, but luckily, you can still buy AK-47s. Phew! Crisis averted. But twist! Want to look at porn on the Internet? Not allowed, bub. At least if you live in Utah. And now Mississippi. And Virginia. And soon Texas and Florida and Louisiana, too. Why, you ask?

Because of the States' new laws, which require age-verification - like a driver's license. When the age-verification went into effect, PornHub, the most popular adult site, saw an 80% decline in traffic. Daaaaaamn. Which means as much as people want to wank on their down time, they don't want an easily-hacked porn site to have their personal intel. Can you say, "Why, yes, I happily surrender my site info to the State at their request. Oh, and I'm a public school teacher and my main search is 'Toilet Whores.'"

Given the drop in traffic, PornHub thought, meh, why bother, let's just block those particular States moving forward. And just like that...peens have gone noodle, cooters have gone dust bowl. 

Suddenly, old-timey Adult Stores don't look so bad anymore (save the sticky floors and odeur du stank). Does it mean anything that the States who voted most for the former porn-loving President are the one's now effectively banning porn?

I ask, because, at present, when said former President is traveling South and wants to tickle his mushroom cap, he won't be able to use his phone or his laptop for inspiration. Sad!

(CMG Worldwide/Associated Press; Stormy Daniels)