The Gator State Welcomes Parasitic Infections!

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Malaria! It's not just for the subtropics anymore! 

Yes, it's true. Malaria has made a thrilling arrival in the Sunshine State, joining radioactive roads, gung-ho gun laws and easy-peasy death. So far, there's four confirmed cases and more expected (and only one in Texas, the slackers). Does it get better? Yes, it does. Because given the psychological effects of the disease, at last we have an explanation for Ron DeSantis: 


Paranoid delusions? Check. Impulsivity? Check-check. Incomprehensible flight of ideas? All the checks. And don't get me started on internal bleeding, impaired consciousness and jaundice. I can only take so much excitement. Quick! Someone give the li'l  skeeters directions to Mar-a-Lago.

Any day now, DeSantis will surely order his mudflap minions to cover the entire State in mosquito netting in lieu of vaccines, because vaccines are for losers. Also, QAnon already told us that vaccines make you ghey. Why, just the other day, a normy young Floridian got a vaccine, and - horrors! - look what happened to him. 

And for those who think malaria is nature's way of saying, "Don't come to Florida!", you're obviously jelly. Florida has the bestest diseases and the bestest ever mosquitos. You wish your State was this glamorous.

(Photo credits: KIMIMASA MAYAMA/Reuters)

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