The Slap Heard Around The World: Britney Spears Edition.

Hold your horses and clutch your pearls. Britney wasn't slapped y'all. No, our lady of fried chicken and bare feet in public bathrooms has no concussion. No, homegirl had enough of Sam and went ahead and slapped herself for not getting a prenup. Okay, not as exciting, but her hand has a life of its own; she did the heavy lifting and slapped her for herself—big difference. Our lady of black eyeliner and white boots probably did not realize there was footage. 

A video clearly shows she was not manhandled after all. Victor Wembanyama's security guard did nothing wrong except his job: to protect his boss from tacky girlies with ratchet extensions grabbing him and trying to mesmerize him into jumping in bed and making a money baby. They did their job! 

The Las Vegas Police Department concluded that the French basketball player's bodyguard brushed her hand away, and it was the real culprit here. Even her strange British accent couldn't save her from the truth.

'No charges will be filed against the person involved,' the spokesperson said. 

See, this needs to be clarified. Didn't Brit Brit feel her own hand? Okay, so all of her moaning and groaning about being bullied and a prisoner in her own country was histrionic nonsense. Her essays and accounts solidify her continued assertions that she is used to being mistreated and woes from her life. It is getting thin, though. 

The Free Britney movement has yet to comment but come on, let us call it as we see it. The girl is a little dramatic, but her acting skills have not improved since Crossroads or when she used to give interviews and claim she was just a humble Christian virgin girl saving herself for marriage. Her testimony might have been her shining moment because I was convinced. I was. I thought how awful her life must have been! How cruel they had treated her! But now, I don't know. Were they protecting her image, or did they have magic velcro to keep her hands to herself?