BREAKING! Rihanna's And A$AP's Riot!

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Rihanna, the former musician turned make-up and lifestyle mogul - I said what I said and until she drops another goddamn album, which will be never, this designation stays - recently popped a squat and had her second baby with her husband A$AP Rocky after being pregnant for what seemed like ten thousand years (or more) (and at times looking so humongous, I thought she was carrying an entire litter of crotch critters). But one thing's remained a mystery: the baby's name. Until now. 

Drumroll, please, because RZA (pictured above and looking cute as a button) can now call his wee little brother Riot. So RZA and Riot. Truthfully, I was never into the name RZA - how the hell do you pronounce that? - which is a "tribute," supposedly, to Wu Tang Clan rapper Robert Fitzgerald Digs, and I'm not all that sure how I feel about Riot. How does one contend with this name at, let's say, the grocery store? You know, when he reaches the toddler stage, runs off for the candy aisle and you have to call out "Riot!" in order to find him. 

And, yes, I know. little Riot will never once see the likes of a Kroger for the entirety of his life - which is for the poors, and besides, Cook shops for food - but let's say the family is at The Met Ball and the little fuck trophy runs off and gets lost. Will calling out "Riot!" amidst all the fashionistas and Kuntrashians play out well? Honestly, they should have named the kid "Fire" or "Help" or "Fuck Me." Imagine. Screaming out "Fire!" or "Help!" or "Fuck Me!" every time you have to find your cherub in a crowd at the grocery store. Good times. 


Still, Riot is not the most annoying celebrity baby name out there. Not by a long shot. Many of us rolled our eyes when Gwyneth Paltrow - pictured above being down with the brown - named her kid Apple (what were the other food choices? Kumquat? Daddy's Dick Cheese?), but since then, the competition for the most annoying celebrity baby name has been fierce. They include Kal-El, the child of Nicholas Cage; Pilot Inspecktor, of Jason Lee; X Æ A-12, of Elon Musk; and Bear Blu, of Alicia Silverstone. They're all fairly terrible, and even manage to make Moon Unit look, if not passe, at least seriously meh. By the way, want to feel old? Moon Unit is 55!


Still, no celebrity baby names top those of Nick Cannon's raw dog sprogs. I'm serious. You just can't top the likes of Zillion Heir or Onyx Ice or Rise Messiah or Beautiful Zeppelin or Zion Mixolydian or the comparably subtle Zen. So live it up, li'l Riot. You're not the most annoying after all.

Photo Credits: Getty Images; AP; Instagram

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