How I long for the bygone days of couch-jumping and maniacal laughter. No, for reals. Ever since the writers and actors went on strike, all of your favorite celebs are no longer on the promotional ho stroll making fools of themselves or being tacky. Ergo, celebrity gossip isn't just in the crapper, it's an unsinkable molly brown - or a brown trout of, let's say, the Piers Morgan variety. Eeeow! No one wants that.
How do we know this? Because all the gossip sites are straining really hard to come up with stuff now that the stars are hunkering down - or protesting, God help us, like Susan Sarandon. Take "Page Six," which today has this earth-shattering news: "Barbara Walters' Last Words!" Which are the none-too-earth-shattering, "No regrets. I've had a great life." That's not just a crumb parading as a story, it's your grandfather's flaky beard dandruff and sputum dotting his dark blue shirt. What else does "Page Six" have? More on alleged child abuser Ruby Franke. That's not gossip, thats a fuck-me-sideways-with-a-monkey-wrench horror show and it doesn't count. Neither does their lead story about Derek Hough canoodling with his wife. His wife! WTF? And Derek Hough? Cue *Harpo, who's this woman* gif.
Even TMZ, a usually reliable source of celebrity fuckery, is straining. They're reporting on Travis Barker - such glamour! - who had to cut his tour short with "Blink 182" because of an unspecified family emergency. But c'mon, unless this emergency is a complete head transplant for Travis, I'm not interested. And, oh, yes, there's another story in which "a source" claims that Britney Spears will not be doing OnlyFans, because, let's be honest, save a camera showing her cooter stretched wide with a speculum, we've seen it all.
The only celebrities allowed to speak and potentially give us some decent goss or asshatary are those appearing in SAG-waiver, non-AMPTP productions, like Adam Driver - again, the glamour! - who's promoting "Ferrari," a Michael Mann movie already getting tepid reviews. And what is he talking about? The strike! How he's totally behind it and really supports...huh? Wha? Sorry, but gossip right now is like an awkward sexual advance. You may want it, but it's so clumsy and skird you just want to slap it upside the head.
Which means the best gossip right now is no gossip. It's Kylie Minogue and her verifiably batshit new music video, "Tension." I've no idea what's going on here - someone please explain (or not) - but Kylie looks fantastic and if she's intending to bring back trippy mid-90s club beats, she's succeeded. It's just no substitute for TommyGirl™ jumping on couches and this makes me sad emoticon. For our own sanity, I hope the strikes end soon.
You know that sinking feeling in your gut? The one that hits when you read the news and realize the lunatics aren’t just running the asylum—they’ve firebombed it and are selling tickets to the rubble? Yeah. That one. Every day is another headline torn from the fever dream of a meth-addled confederate flag enthusiast. Supreme Court decisions written by people who seem to think it’s still 1854. Elected officials who mistake their Twitter accounts for divine revelation. Billionaires tweeting memes while democracy bleeds out in the corner. And then there’s that one. The Orange Menace. Still slouching toward the podium, still howling, still grifting, still somehow not in prison. He’s a walking indictment of everything broken in this country. And yet, here we are. Again. Because fascism is nothing if not persistent — and nostalgia for white male dominance is America’s favorite opioid. The Republican Party is no longer a political party. It’s a deranged cult. A fascist talent show. A deat...
"Hey gang! I know it's summer vaca but I just had to call you, you'll never believe it! As a reward for my (almost) straight-A grades last year (okay, I got a C in chemistry) (what do you expect, I'm a cheerleader, lol), my parents just bought me a brand-new Galaxy 5000! Isn't it the most, to say the least? "Oh! And I saw a new girl from Austria named Sandy signing up for next semester and she's dreadfully pretty and I just know we're going to be life-long friends! She said she's going to try out for the cheerleading team. Oh, I'm sure she'll be peachy-keen, jellybean - though I bet she hasn't got even half my moves! Behold: "Oh, well, see you in September!" The older I get the more stupidly sentimental I become. Much love to these two beautiful people, Olivia Newton-John and Susan Buckner, both gone now. (Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures) Wistful, but happy, Wednesday, darlings. Don't forget to show us your own cheerlead...
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