The 2023 Holiday Movie Season Begins: What's Coming Up - Vanity Projects, Oscar Bait...and More!

By

 


The holiday movie season officially starts this later this week. If you find yourself fed up with the relatives on Thanksgiving Day or dealing with belligerent shoppers on Black Friday, then head out to the movies. You can deal with outrageous ticket prices and stale popcorn instead. Here are a few of the vanity projects and Oscar bait movies to select from.  Edit: The movies below will be released starting late this week through end December.

  • Maestro: The Leonard Bernstein bio pic that's directed, co-written, and stars Bradley Cooper and his fake prosthetic nose. Bradley desperately wants an Oscar, and this movie is his second shameless attempt to convince everyone he’s the next Orson Welles or Frank Capra.  He's going to be campaigning hard for those Academy votes.

    The real Leonard Bernstein (left) vs. Bradley Cooper with fake nose: Photo: The New York Times


  • Leave The World Behind: A paranoid thriller about a family who rents a vacation home. Think AirBnB + internet blackout + unexpected guests = no thanks. It stars Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke.  Nice photoshop job in the publicity shot. Look ma...no wrinkles!

    Julia Roberts & Ethan Hawke in Leave The World Behind. Photo: Digital Spy

  • Candy Lane: Eddie Murphy is a dad who wants to win the neighborhood holiday decorating competition. Wait a sec:  this sounds like 1989’s Christmas Vacation sans Cousin Eddie.
  • May December: Starring Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman. The movie is loosely based on the Mary Kay Letourneau scandal. Ugh. The world doesn't need to be remained of that POS.  It will be on Netflix.
  • Eileen: A 1960s thriller about a mousy secretary who becomes absorbed with a new glamour puss prison psychologist. Stars AnnE Hathaway as the psychologist. Hey AnnE...nice try but you're not getting Oscar #2 for best wig wearing.

    AnnE Hathaway in Eileen. Photo: Neon / Daily Mail
  • Origin: The story about a woman who loses her husband, mom, and cousin. The holiday season tearjerker. It features Aunjaune Ellis Taylor, Jon Bernthal, and Niecy Nash. Bring a box of tissue.


  • Poor Things: Starring Emma Stone PLUS her chola Sharpie eyebrows and Mark Ruffalo. The movie is about a woman being brought back to life by a scientist. It's described as an “offbeat drama”. I describe it as period piece with fancy costumes and a galore of makeup done by a 7 year old. BTW, the plot sounds familiar - think Frankenstein but without the monster. Instead you have Emma Stone glamming up the screen as she searches for her purpose in life.

    Emma Stone & Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things. Photo: Atushi Nishuima / Search Light Pictures //People.com

  • The Family Plan: Marky Mark (Govt Name: Mark Wahlberg) is a family man who is secretly a government assassin. YAWN.  This plot is so overdone.
  • Wonka: Starring Zzzquil actor Timothee Chamaladingdong Chamalet. This is a reboot of the reboot of the original movie with Gene Wilder (who will always be Willy Wonka to me).
  • Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom: Jason Momoa and his luscious locks splash around the ocean for 2 hours to defeat the forces of evil.
  • Iron Claw: Based on the lives of brothers Kevin and Kerry Von Erich who were wrestlers. Starring Zac Efron,  his new square face, and the Hulk's body dipped in vanilla.


  • The Boys In The Boat: Directed by George Clooney. A period drama set around the 1936 Olympics in Berlin about a rowing team. Georgie (like Bradley Cooper) wants an Oscccahr! Bring Dramamine if you get sea sick. BTW, Aunt Becky's (Govt Name: Lori Loughlin) daughters (Oliva Jade and Bella) who scammed their way into college by claiming to be rowers should have been consultants on this movie.  A missed opportunity by George Clooney.
  • Color Purple: The movie adaptation of the Broadway musical. It’s a reboot of the 1985 movie with Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah – except this time they include the musical numbers. Stars Fantasia Barrino.
  • Waitress (The Musical): Movie adaptation of the Broadway musical about – wait for it –a waitress who is in a crappy marriage and bored with life. Stars a bunch of people I’ve never heard of. 



 Sources: People.com; Rotten Tomatoes; Variety; Vanity Fair; You Tube

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peckerwood Manor's ELECTION PANIC-A-GOGO!

By
Image
It's happening right now! This is place to scream about the election; to vent, to rejoice, to grumble, then scream again. I swear, your throat will feel like sandpaper once this day is done. Have you voted yet? Are you in line? Post pictures! Is your heart skipping beats? Do you fear for the future? Of course you do! But crucially, do you have enough booze and pills to get through this? What, exactly, are you taking or drinking? We want to know. And what are you eating? Are you a sugar or salt whore? We want to know that, too.  Leave those who'd rather not discuss such matters to our special Election-Free Open Post , since today, for one day only, we're gettin' real and gettin' dirty  in our own gasping, shrieking, blood-soaked election post. Hold tight.   
Read more

OPEN POST: We Will Survive!

By
Image
Rise up, my chickens. We're all worth fighting for.  It won't be easy, it won't be fun, but through the long dark of night and on to a new day, it will surely be worth it. We don't regularly refer to politics in our Open Posts, but today, I think it's worth noting that many of us got through eight long years of Ronald Reagan - and it was a nightmare, and for many of my contemporaries, deadly. But here we are, we're still standing. We'll get through this, too, I promise.  What does this mean in the short-term? Tears, fury, booze, pills, or weed, of course. You have my permission - not that you need it - to comfort yourself however you like for the rest of the week. But come Monday, all bets are off. Bitches won't even see us coming. 
Read more

OPEN POST: Monday Music At The Manor With DJ Li'l Scratch!

By
Image
Are you freaking out about the election tomorrow? Me, too. Or maybe you're having a more generalized "It's Monday, oh-my-fucking-gawd" freak out? In either case, please allow Peckerwood Manor's esteemed DJ Li'l Scratch to take you away. Many of you already know about Li'l Scratch, as he regularly lays tracks at "Heavy D's," the Manor's exclusive after-hours club.  Today he's spinning Teri Thornton, a vibrant, husky-voiced jazz singer and piano player who hailed from Detroit. In 1961, she exploded onto the scene with her debut LP, "Devil May Care," demonstrating show-stopping vocal prowess. The reviews were through the roof and so was the public reception, yet just as suddenly - poof - she vanished after a few more LPs, her career thwarted by market changes given the rise of rock 'n' roll. And that was that. She was all but forgotten, reduced to driving a taxi to make ends meet.  But in a jaw-dropping comeback, she re
Read more