The 2023 Holiday Movie Season Begins: What's Coming Up - Vanity Projects, Oscar Bait...and More!

 

The holiday movie season officially starts this later this week. If you find yourself fed up with the relatives on Thanksgiving Day or dealing with belligerent shoppers on Black Friday, then head out to the movies. You can deal with outrageous ticket prices and stale popcorn instead. Here are a few of the vanity projects and Oscar bait movies to select from.  Edit: The movies below will be released starting late this week through end December.

• Maestro: The Leonard Bernstein bio pic that's directed, co-written, and stars Bradley Cooper and his fake prosthetic nose. Bradley desperately wants an Oscar, and this movie is his second shameless attempt to convince everyone he’s the next Orson Welles or Frank Capra.  He's going to be campaigning hard for those Academy votes.
  
  

  

  The real Leonard Bernstein (left) vs. Bradley Cooper with fake nose: Photo: The New York Times
  

  
  
  
  
  

• Leave The World Behind: A paranoid thriller about a family who rents a vacation home. Think AirBnB + internet blackout + unexpected guests = no thanks. It stars Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke.  Nice photoshop job in the publicity shot. Look ma...no wrinkles!
  
  

  

  Julia Roberts & Ethan Hawke in Leave The World Behind. Photo: Digital Spy
  

  
  

• Candy Lane: Eddie Murphy is a dad who wants to win the neighborhood holiday decorating competition. Wait a sec:  this sounds like 1989’s Christmas Vacation sans Cousin Eddie.

• May December: Starring Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman. The movie is loosely based on the Mary Kay Letourneau scandal. Ugh. The world doesn't need to be remained of that POS.  It will be on Netflix.

• Eileen: A 1960s thriller about a mousy secretary who becomes absorbed with a new glamour puss prison psychologist. Stars AnnE Hathaway as the psychologist. Hey AnnE...nice try but you're not getting Oscar #2 for best wig wearing.
  
  

  

  AnnE Hathaway in Eileen. Photo: Neon / Daily Mail
  

• Origin: The story about a woman who loses her husband, mom, and cousin. The holiday season tearjerker. It features Aunjaune Ellis Taylor, Jon Bernthal, and Niecy Nash. Bring a box of tissue.
  
  
  
  
  

• Poor Things: Starring Emma Stone PLUS her chola Sharpie eyebrows and Mark Ruffalo. The movie is about a woman being brought back to life by a scientist. It's described as an “offbeat drama”. I describe it as period piece with fancy costumes and a galore of makeup done by a 7 year old. BTW, the plot sounds familiar - think Frankenstein but without the monster. Instead you have Emma Stone glamming up the screen as she searches for her purpose in life.
  
  

  

  Emma Stone & Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things. Photo: Atushi Nishuima / Search Light Pictures //People.com
  

  
  

• The Family Plan: Marky Mark (Govt Name: Mark Wahlberg) is a family man who is secretly a government assassin. YAWN.  This plot is so overdone.

• Wonka: Starring Zzzquil actor Timothee Chamaladingdong Chamalet. This is a reboot of the reboot of the original movie with Gene Wilder (who will always be Willy Wonka to me).

• Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom: Jason Momoa and his luscious locks splash around the ocean for 2 hours to defeat the forces of evil.
  

• Iron Claw: Based on the lives of brothers Kevin and Kerry Von Erich who were wrestlers. Starring Zac Efron,  his new square face, and the Hulk's body dipped in vanilla.
  
  
  
  

• The Boys In The Boat: Directed by George Clooney. A period drama set around the 1936 Olympics in Berlin about a rowing team. Georgie (like Bradley Cooper) wants an Oscccahr! Bring Dramamine if you get sea sick. BTW, Aunt Becky's (Govt Name: Lori Loughlin) daughters (Oliva Jade and Bella) who scammed their way into college by claiming to be rowers should have been consultants on this movie.  A missed opportunity by George Clooney.
  

• Color Purple: The movie adaptation of the Broadway musical. It’s a reboot of the 1985 movie with Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah – except this time they include the musical numbers. Stars Fantasia Barrino.

• Waitress (The Musical): Movie adaptation of the Broadway musical about – wait for it –a waitress who is in a crappy marriage and bored with life. Stars a bunch of people I’ve never heard of. 
  
  
  
  
  
  

 Sources: People.com; Rotten Tomatoes; Variety; Vanity Fair; You Tube