THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: “Vote For The Rock…To NOT Run For President” By SaucyKitty!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from SaucyKitty!

Few Words, our distinguished Peckerwood hor, recently mentioned that The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, has once again brought up that he would be the perfect presidential candidate. President of what, you may ask? The Hair Club for Men? The Society of ‘Roided-Up Rich Twats? The Membership of Said Millionaire Twats Who’d Rather Have You Give Your Money To Charity Instead Of Their Own Precious Money (no idea what the anagram for that last one would be)?

I mean, on the one hand, I get it. We’re already kind of fucked, so why not try someone unconventional, yet popular, to the American populace? On the other hand, and this is a BIG other hand, didn’t we already do this with Trump, a once-popular TV star (“The Apprentice” also co-starred his lover daughter, Ivanka, as you'll recall)? This could be a BIG MISTAKE, HUGE.

The Rock has no experience in politics. As far as I know, he has never run for mayor or even school board member. Honestly, if we are talking politics, you at least need to have some experience other than “the WWE and I negotiated about who I would defeat and who would pummel me in our macho-yet-homoerotic-play-acting games” (Darkside, I love ya, but I also know that you know this is fake) (unlike a former dim-witted housemate of mine). We’ve already weathered a bunch of federal politicians with no experience. My pea brain makes me wonder exactly why The Rock’s pea brain thinks he would be a suitable candidate. Well, here we go, my Peckerwoodians: he claimed that a 2021 poll of 30,000 American adults apparently listed him favorably as a contender. This led to “the parties” asking him if he was interested in throwing his hat in the (non-wrassling) ring.

According to dear Dwayne the Dork, who’d surely run as a Republican (he did attend the Republican National Convention in 2000, after all): “That was an interesting poll that happened, and I was really moved by that. I was really blown away, and I was really honored. I’ll share this little bit with you. At the end of the year in 2022, I got a visit from the parties asking me if I was going to run, and if I could run.” Um, when did this poll happen? Where? Who are “the parties”? I mean, I actually do paid polls (note: they don’t pay all that well, really), and I never saw this one. Who sponsored it? Ipsos? Pinecone? Also, only 30K Americans? I can only surmise that the people surveyed thought Handjobbing Karen Boebert, Klan Mom Marjorie Taylor Green, and other unqualified candidates were a good idea. To me, the thought of voting for anyone with literally no political experience (regardless of party) for president would be akin to me saying that I think Pete Davidson should take over producing SNL once Lorne Michaels retires.

Most of this “information” came out during an interview on Trevor Noah’s new podcast “What Now." What really kind of surprised me is that Trevor didn’t push back at all. I mean, since he hosted "The Daily Show," and especially knowing that he grew up under an oppressive government, I thought he might pose some difficult questions. I understand that apartheid rule is waaaaaay different from some unqualified person being our nation’s leader, but we’ve already seen what one vastly unqualified POTUS has done to our country and the foundations of our democracy, and frankly, if some of our current “leaders” had their way, we would be under, in effect, an apartheid leadership. (I don’t want to get political here, btw, but if you are a Trumptard, kindly direct yourself to the nearest Bouncer Bendy Boy™).

More scary/fun? Dwayne had hisself a sitcom, "Young Rock," where his character runs for POTUS in 2032. I really hope life doesn’t imitate “art” in this case (side note: I had no idea he had a sitcom) (who watches that?). Yet it doesn’t take a Rhodes Scholar to figure out that “The Rock” was produced specifically to make The Rock palatable as a Presidential candidate, much like “The Apprentice” popularized Trump as “smart” and "a genius businessman” (hindsight, in that case, is soul-crushing) (but I digress).

Lastly, The Rock’s last “campaign” fell flat. Remember how he wanted us ALL to donate money to Maui after their fires? While a good cause, he was totally tone deaf. He agreed to donate a Very Small Percentage of his money to his own (and Oprah’s) new Maui foundation while asking millions of Americans who are being hit hard by raising prices and our country’s inability to raise the minimum wage, to donate their own, hard-earned cash to his foundation. To me, his tone deaf ‘tude is a bright shining beacon that testifies to the fact that this dude is not in touch with the American people and therefore not a suitable candidate (nor do I think that at least half of our federal political representatives are in touch with the American people, regardless of party) (burn it all down and start over?) (no idea).

However, reading this, I had an awesome idea. I want to be in charge of petting, and pet-sitting, White House pets. Also, if we get Peckerwoods in the White House – why not smarty-pants Capt. Stephen Peacock for President? - there will be pets. Lots of them.

Photos: Getty Images, AP