Britney's Gift to Humankind: The Complete Humiliation of Justin Timberlake

Before anyone gets all up in their feelings about Britney and her issues, let's, as a collective nod, recognize that she has all sorts of problems and accept that we all know it and that it probably, regrettably, won't have a happily ever after. We already know the inevitable ending to these sorts of celebrity life stories. We knew it with Anna Nicole Smith. We knew this about numerous child stars who were irrevocably broken, like Brad Renfro or Amanda Bynes. We know the entertainment industry grinds and chews through tender innocence cruelly and mercilessly, then tosses the carcasses on a trash heap once they have bled the celebrity dry. 

We acknowledge that Britney has been a victim of many things at the hands of a callous family, industry vultures, genetics, and enormous greed. We also know she can be self-centered, oblivious, mentally erratic, and lives absurdly untethered to reality. All that said, I find it surprising and remarkable that she did something sort of outrageous, something I waited decades for; she inspired the mass acceptance that Justin Timberlake is an awful garbage dump of a human being. Bravo, you IG knife-wielding twirling dervish, and I thank you from the bottom of my gleeful little heart. His public pain feeds my dark soul, and every second of him twisting in the wind puts a little pep in my step.

For years, I wondered how Timberlake managed to be so thoroughly obnoxious and massively unlikable and still have any semblance of a career. He was the dude bro's dude-bro with his narcissistic antics on MTV and SNL (under duress, I will admit he used to be funny sometimes) that came off as smug and somewhat manipulative. Justin assumed if he touched it, it was golden and that the natural progression of his career was leading him to be accepted as a revered thespian. His undiscovered brilliance just needed to shine and for people to see and accept that the great Justin fucking Timberlake was damn near a Shakespearean thespian.  

I mean, if fellow ex-mouseketeer Ryan Gosling could become a respected actor, then by golly, Mr. Timberlake could do it better. "The Notebook" his ass; he was going to top that and be much more de rigueur with the right demographic. JT was a given and was going to be raking in the awards and huge box office because he was not only the man, he was a brand. In his mind and in the minds of Hollywood types who couldn't give a flying flip about talent, this was supposedly predictable. They only wanted to make bank and push sure things; this Timberlake trajectory would be achievable without any effort or heavy lifting. They figured it would be seamless and easy since he was on a triumphant roll with boy band hits, success as a solo act, and loads of A-list attention. Originality and creativity are only important as a cynical first step to build around, on top of, and eventually crush into cellophane-packaged mass appeal. They had their superstar, and all they had to do was shoe-horn him into the right project and let nature take its course.

That this master plan required a modicum of talent seems to have escaped all of the people involved. Mr. Timberlake embodies everything wrong with fame, bro mentality, and self-delusion. What kind of idiot goes 7 years between records while they keep trying to be a movie star? Who? Someone who thinks they are special and above failure because they have been coddled their entire lives. I bet even today, he has not fully understood the complete rejection of him as an actor, even though it happened repeatedly. The totality of his failures is soothing to my sense of universal justice. Sometimes the world gets it right, and dammit, when it comes to him, it's on an impressive roll. 

This guy was so successful at being shitty in movies that even with a cast that should have at least carried a movie to average success, the films crashed and burned spectacularly. What, you never saw "Edison?" "Wonder Wheel?" "Runner Runner" not up to your standards? Surely, "The Love Guru" ranks as your favorite even though Rotten Tomatoes ranks it as one of the worst movies Mike Meyers ever starred in. 12 of the 18 movies this tool starred in are rated as rotten. The only one that could be considered critically successful was "The Social Network," and that was more David Fincher's direction and timely story that made it compelling and not Justin's presence; we may even be able to say it was a success in spite of him. 

I am not quite sure when it became apparent to me that something was amiss with Justin, and that he is a pulsating ass boil with an annoying need to be the center of attention. I don't remember thinking it at first, but then I didn't really think of him at all except as some manchild with an unfortunate elfin appearance and a white boy frosted curly fro. He simply didn't register. When I did notice him, I quickly started realizing something was awry when he started bragging in interviews about sleeping with Britney Spears and saying all kinds of sexist BS about "hitting that" like he was some sort of conquering, irresistible super stud. But I do remember when it came into sharp focus that this guy wasn't just worthy of eye rolls; he was something worse.

Super Bowls don't mean much to me, so it is amazing that I was even watching when the fiasco with Janet Jackson illuminated his lack of character. Her shocked reaction was genuine, and a part of me wondered if it was really a malfunction or if it was his ineptitude. For some of us, it was just another example of extreme wealth-based white male privilege topped with a poisonous dollop of fame getting away scot-free. Imagine if a black male pop star had done that to someone like Faith Hill? He would have gotten death threats, and she would have been seen as a victim. But this was reversed, so it wasn't seen like it should have been. 

Janet Jackson's comeback was ruined; she was the one shamed even though he was the one who committed the faux pas. It happened to her. Yet, she has never recovered; her album tanked, and she was forced to withdraw from the Grammy awards show that year. Janet took most of the blame from the media while his career, on the other hand, flourished. A prime example of just how unfair it was is that Justin performed at that same Grammys and took home two awards. No backlash. No outcries. He skated by totally unscathed in a way that is hard to imagine now. After a piss-poor apology, he was off the hook, and she's been twisting on it ever since. He could have defended her vigorously, taking the heat and absolving her of any wrongdoing, but he didn't because that is who he is. 

Before Britney slammed dunked on his return to music and his comeback that was eagerly awaited by no one except Timbaland, it was said that he was very concerned about Britney's book. He is so dumb that by making it seem like he was nervous, he made a lot of people more curious about what she would say. Justin was sweating even before it came out. A lot of people started thinking it must be something really bad. I don't think anyone expected what was revealed about him, though, and how wretched he behaved all those years ago. His lies came back to bitch slap him before knocking him flat on his ass, and I have cherished all of it. 

I suspect the fallout has been so bad and long-lasting because of his behavior throughout these years and the stupid songs he sang about their relationship, making it appear as though she was the one to blame for their public breakup. He played the victim and milked every drop of it to get his solo career established. I also suspect it hasn't let up because we believe it. He just seems like that kind of guy. That it was so easily accepted should give him pause. But his ego is so gigantic I don't think he is capable of self-reflection or has the ability to take responsibility for his past actions. He was this way with Janet, so it is hard to believe this isn't just poor behavior.  This is a deep character flaw.

Spears' revenge was served ice cold, on a glacier, with a frozen bitter chaser for extra pain and bites for good measure. For a man like Justin, this has to be torturous since he can't control the narrative.

This may be Britney's shining moment, and I find it is like watching the Homecoming Queen destroy the asshole Homecoming King at the 25th-year high school reunion. It is like being a spectator at a long overdue comeuppance. The schadenfreude has been two decades in the making, and it didn't disappoint. His reaction is just like watching a bully get his ass kicked in the public square while feebly fighting back because he can dish it aplenty but crumples and pouts when he gets what has been coming to him. No coveted movie career, no recent hit record, no relevance, and no answer for what was said.

I don't think Justin understood that he is a has-been without devoted fans or much pull or power anymore; his piss poor showing as an actor has tarnished his image. Now, he feels the wrath of a lot of the public and her devoted superstanley fans, and they are nothing if not dogged and fiercely protective of Britney. These dedicated worshippers will take anyone down who dares question anything Britney does, even when it is warranted. He had no answer for the allegations; in fact, he double-downed even after Britney offered an olive branch. Now they are trading words, and Britney, for once, has the moral high ground. 

I didn't even understand why she apologized in the first place; it was baffling, or was it? His refusal to apologize, saying to fans at his free concert in New York City that he apologizes to "absolutely fucking nobody," made him look even worse. Could she or her team be clever enough to extend a hand, knowing he would act like a thin-skinned, petulant toddler who refuses to potty train? If so, then they played Timberlake like a hillbilly with a new banjo at a mountain folk jamboree. Her 2011 song "Selfish" outperformed his single "Selfish," surpassing it to become number one on iTunes a few weeks ago.

So where does this all stand now? He's trying to release a new record, his latest turn on SNL gave a lot of people secondhand embarrassment, and this opaque black cloud is hanging over everything he does. I want it to grow until it engulfs him and his ego, thus becoming nothing more than a vapor, a flicker of memory, and an eventual trivia question. Whatever happened to that guy? What was his name? Oh yeah...I know who you mean, but I can't remember his name. Oh well. That's the future he has earned and the only one he so justly deserves. 

(photos: Reuters, Getty, Graham Norton, Instagram, WireImage)