WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Jon Stewart? Or Kelly Rowland? Or Barry Keoghan's Peen?

Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" We've got three nearly-mummified candidates positively begging for moisture, so let's dive right in, shall we? 

First up, we have Jon Stewart - giving his best "aw, shucks" look above - who must have been feeling extra-parched these past few years, since everything he did seemed to tank. There was his HBO animated series which HBO sadly dumped before it went on the air; a comedy tour with his good buddy Dave Chappelle which was sadly deemed "disappointing;" a movie he directed called "Irresistible" which critics sadly pronounced "lame brained" and "insulting;" and his Apple TV show, which, yes, sadly, nobody watched and was only recently cancelled (since, whoopsie, Apple didn't want him to go anywhere near touchy subjects like China because that's where their iPhones are assembled). What's a fallen Bro Idol to do? Especially when the dashing, dimpled, ultra-smooth Trevor Noah made everyone forget about him? Ouch! That had to sting. Where to go next? 

Luckily, once Trevor left "The Daily Show," this allowed Jon to make the totally bold and wildly creative decision to return to "The Daily Show," which he'd left a decade previous. He told the press that his return was all about giving viewers "a catharsis," and to "drive meaningful dialogue" with respect to the upcoming election, which is so altruistic of him! Even better, during his first show, he delivered a side-splitting comedy bit which stated that Biden and Trump are both old, yet failed to mention any other differences between them - like one's a rapist, for starters - because why not deliberately court controversy, as the thirsting are known to do? 

It worked. Jon's being slammed for his "both sides are the same" rhetoric, which many believe creates perilous voter apathy. In other words, the news is no longer about Biden or Trump, but about Jon himself. Sly move, Jon! Or maybe not, because just after, beloved, whip-smart Mary Trump pointed out the dangers of his false equivalency schtick. His response? It was surprisingly mealy-mouthed. "We're just talking here," he said on his next show with his "aw shucks" grin that absolutely worked with his mother when he was a kid because he's still deploying it now, then added, with some degree of desperation, "It was just one fucking show." But Mary was not having it. “He didn’t defend his false equivalency,” she hammered back, “he pretended my objection to his comment was that he had made a comment.” Will the tit-for-twat between them continue? For Jon's sake, let's hope so, because he's still dry as a bone. 

The verdict is in: Jon is thirsty!

Next up, it's Kelly Rowland, seen above blowing juicy poot-kisses to her haters. What's a Kelly Rowland, you ask? Only the world's staunchest Chris Brown defender who positively hates being compared to Beyonce. "I know that Bey's a light," she once proclaimed, "but I am a light, too!" For some time, she's wanted everyone to know that she's a really Big Stah. How big a stah is she? So big that she was once a judge on "The Voice," or, excuse me, "The Voice: Australia," a much teensier market, which I swear is no knock against Australia, and since she was renown for throwing hissy fits and furiously storming off-stage, no big loss to Australia that she was fired she's gone. Are you sensing a pattern? It sure seems like "hissy fits" and "storms off" are a thirsty theme, or a leitmotif, if you will, for the perpetually dehydrated Kelly. 

Only recently, Kelly made news when she, you guessed it, threw a hissy fit backstage at "The Today Show," where she was scheduled to be an hour-long guest host. She actually stormed off the set, leaving everyone's favorite wine o'clock gal pal, Hoda Kotb, scrambling to find a replacement just minutes before air-time. Why the hissy-fitting on Kelly's part? Because her dressing room "wasn't up to her high standards" (I'm not kidding), according to Kelly insiders. She demanded to be given the station's other dressing room, only to be told that is was occupied by perennial thirst trap, Jennifer Lopez. 

Oh, here go hell come! That's all it took; she hightailed it out of there. Hilariously, she was swiftly replaced by something called a Rita Ora. Please, someone remind Kelly that, while she is "a light" - like a maybe a kitty cat's laser pointer? - she's not Beyonce, she's not an A-level star, and she never will be, no matter how thirstily she behaves. 

The verdict is in: Kelly is thirsty!

Finally, there's Barry Keoghan's peen, which is so desperately dehydrated that it spurts dust, desperation and hissy fits (just like Kelly)! Frankly, I'm exhausted by the topic of Barry's peen, since it's connected to Barry, an otherwise capable actor who bears an unnerving resemblance to a Proboscis monkey (don't be a hater, you know I'm right!). Since I am not DTF simian primates (You: "Ha! Since when?"), the ongoing excitement surrounding his nudie dance scene in "Saltburn" mystifies me. 

When Barry coquettishly announced that he did not wear a peen prothesis for his nudie scene - the new "These are my real breasts!"/"I'm not on Ozempic!"/"What is this Botox you speak of?" - I swear I heard Generation Alpha's heads exploding worldwide. But think of it, we've gone from Michael Fassbender's spectacular pork sword to Barry's whatever-wang in a mere ten years. This makes me sad! Are there no standards? Must we downgrade? Do the young get delirious over any ol' dumbstick? And more importantly, when will Barry's peen get off the damn Thirst Train? Apparently never because there it was again at last Sunday's BAFTAs, in which a BBC reporter repeatedly asked actor Andrew Scott about Barry's peen - even though Andrew is not in "Saltburn." 

Why the pestering? Is Andrew, who's openly gay, supposed to know everything about every actor's peen? Would this same reporter ask Jodie Foster about Emma Stone's chocha? We want to know! Landing strip or full bush? And does she vajazzle? "How well do you know him?" the reporter asked Andrew with a salivating leer about Barry and his peen. Is this a British thing? Like bad teeth or Union Jack clothing or visiting India and complaining about all the poverty or Marmite on toast? Barry's Peen is the peen version of "fetch,” yet it keeps on keepin' on. 

The verdict is in: Barry's Peen is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched. 

Photo Credits: Sheika Daley/Instagram; MGM/Amazon; Comedy Central