WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is it Mark Ruffalo? Or Justin Timberlake? Or Drake's Wormy Peen?

Welcome, my chickens, to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, we have Mark Ruffalo, who's baring his man teats and arm pitties for all to see while posing like a bloated squid that's tranqued on benzos and ready for either a wee nap or a moment of lazy-I'll-just-flop-here-and-you-do-me sexytimes-while-my-tushy-burps-a-blaster. Is this thirsty? Oh, my goodness, yes it is. 

Also, what is "Perfect" magazine? And do they really think this dead-eyed crusty moose-knuckle is "perfect" or "sexy?" This picture screams raunchy unwashed ball stank, it screams a desperate combover to hide a beachball-sized bald spot, it screams a filthy hairy back sprouting mushrooms and infested with gnats and fermented feta cheese, it screams crutch tips and house slippers and dried earwax specks dotting a black turtleneck and power walking at the mall and nipple-high pants and enough nose hair to knit a sweater. 

"I'm 55 now," said Ruffalo to the "Perfect" interviewer, after which he coyly asked, "So, like, sex scenes, am I too old to be doing that kind of stuff?" No word on whether he next giggled like a kitten and flashed his cankles. If he also did a dance of seven veils, I wouldn't be surprised. In fairness, I like Ruffalo as an actor - he's very funny in "Poor Things" - and in the past, I've joined others in barking "Ruff-Ruff-Ruffalo! Rawwr!" whenever he's showed off his moobs. But this epically parched photoshoot and interview for "Perfect" is a reminder that young, nubile Instathots aren't the only dehydrated floozies around. Sometimes, like Ruffalo, you age into it.

The verdict is in: Ruffalo is thirsty!

Next up we have Justin Timberlake, featured above giving us his best "Yo, yo, yo, Im'a gangsta, so you bettah be scurred!" look to rival Trump's ridiculous mug shot. Poor Justin can't seem to catch a break these days, which is leading him to jump aboard the Thirsty Train. Upon releasing a new album, "Broken Promises," which nobody asked for - except for his swollen ego and his accountant - he released its first single, appropriately titled, "Selfish." And faster than you can say Triple Shot Vanilla Frappe with a dash of crazy and a soupcon of desperate, Brit-Brit's army moved in, hilariously tanking "Selfish's" chances of hitting the number one spot by sending Britney's thirteen-year-old single, also called "Selfish," up the charts to the number one spot. Cocked and blocked, Justin. What goes around comes around, amirite? Bye, bye, bye!

But right after, Britney played nice - for why? who knows? - apologizing for things she said in her bombshell biography that may have "hurt anyone from my past," meaning Justin, who eons ago pushed her to have an abortion when they were dating and acted the wigga fool with blonde cornrows. So we all good now, right? Haahahaha! Not quite. Last week, Justin a highly placed source told the tabs, "Justin's really not happy with how things have gone down!" Then Justin hollered out at a recent concert, "I have nothing to apologize for!" After which he sang "Cry Me A River," his long ago Britney diss track. OMG. Could you just? Justin's feeling all kinds of hate-shaked, ya'll. He just can't stop the feeling!

If this all weren't thirsty enough, just this week, Justin a highly placed source told the tabs that Justin is arranging to have a tell-all interview with everyone's favorite Ozempic Queen, Oprah ("Who does that tired-ass wigga think he is? Me?" - Meghan Markle, Duchess Of Sussex). No topic will be off limits, and it's promised that he'll finally tell "His Truth," which is yappy, fustercluck Hollywood-speak for, "Everything my publicist tells me to say so I can get all the attention 'cause I'm rebel, yo! For shizzle!" Good luck with that, Justin. I'd cry you a river, but you're already drowning in it. 

The verdict is in: Justin is thirsty!

And now in news no one wants, the internet was recently soiled with a video which shows Drake waving his noodle-peen in a mirror because his reflection is the only thing that gives him a chub (I kid, I kid) (no, I don't). Maybe the internet is cocktose intolerant, or at least unimpressed by Drake's piss stick because the reactions were decidedly mixed, with some on "X" and Reddit saying, "Need break," "Feel disgust," to more positive reactions like, "Stop it, I'm not finding it for you so stop asking me!" 

Let's not forget that if a video were released with a comparable female pop star fingering her chocha, the slut-shaming would be epical. But so far, for Drake, at least, it's mostly been a few shrugs, some "Whatevers," and one "I really thought it would be smaller." These are probably not be the reactions Drake was hoping for when he released the clip in order to goose sales for his current tour. What? You thought it was accidental? "The rumors are true," he squealed to his concert audience on February 8th, confirming, that, yes, it's him in the video playing with his lactating linguini and also confirming that, yes, though he's within sniffing distance of 40, he's still that annoying little toddler who wants to show you his peepee, make a doo-doo and smear it on the bathroom wall. 

The verdict is in: Drake is thirsty!

And there we have it, a cornucopia of thirst. But who - oh, who! - is this week's thirstiest?

Photo Credits: Perfect/David Baily; Getty Images; Epitome Pictures/Wild Brain