Welcome, hors, to the latest edition of "Nepo Watch!" Are you scared? You should be. Today we're all about Kelly Osbourne, a potty-mouthed goblin who was crotch-dropped by Sharon, her dethroned talk show hostess mother, and co-created with ooze from Ozzy, her now addled, dry drunk father who once enjoyed biting the heads off of live bats on stage with Black Sabbath. During this time, little Kelly toured the world with them - and was with them both when Ozzy was arrested in the late 1980s for attempting to murder Sharon by wringing her neck. Team No One?
Such incidents formed Kelly, who later achieved nepo-messy renown - many times over - and has only recently popped back up in the news.
"I'm a nepo baby and I'm proud to be a fucking nepo baby," she's exclaimed on more than one occasion. She's also proud to recount her starry-eyed childhood, like the time she told mama Sharon, "No, I'm not doing this for you. I am not shitting in dad's drugs again." Quick explanation: Sharon was trying to get Ozzy off the ganja, so whenever she found one of his hidden Ziploc baggies, she routinely asked, "Kelly, do you need to go to the toilet?" Stars! They're just like us! They set good examples for their children! That includes the time when little Kelly refused to do the deed and watched, presumably non-plussed, as Sharon did the honors herself, squeezing out her own dookie-bomb into Ozzy's baggie.
No longer content to be a mere child alongside her parents, Kelly next decided to enter Ozzy's domain by become a pop tart. To that end, she recorded an arguably painful version of Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach." But her piece de la resistance was surely "Shut Up!" which took five songwriters to come up with lyrics like, "Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah! Shut up!" For some reason, her music career did not take off, instead landing like a leaky puddin' pop in one of Ozzy's Ziplocs.
Still, teenage Kelly's career was flying high thanks to mommy and daddy, who terrorized horrified entertained the masses with "The Osbornes," one of the first successful reality shows which ran for four seasons from 2002 to 2005, and included stand-out moments for Kelly, such as her violent, knock-down-drag-out fight with her brother, Jack, who'd dared to dance at a party with Christina Aguilera, Kelly's sworn enemy, since, as Kelly claimed, Christina once called her "fat." Yet this was only after Kelly railed against Christina's singing voice on "The Osbornes," saying that it made her want to stab herself. Team No One?
When Christina soon after put on a few pounds, Kelly publicly called her a "cow," later adding, "Maybe she's just becoming the fat bitch she was meant to be." Careening into adulthood, or her version of adulthood, Kelly's nepo career continued, because by now, as she proudly stated, "I'm a brand." A brand of what, exactly, was not clear, and for reasons that are still not entirely clear, she was hired to be a co-host alongside our sainted Joan Rivers on "Fashion Police," despite having no verifiable fashion sense to speak of - unlike Joan and George Kotsiopoulos, for instance. There, she continued to lob insults at Christina Aguilera, who'd by this time moved on, and was given to opining, "I've always been very independent in my sense of style. It's just that not everyone gets it."
Sadly, Joan next departed for greener pastures, leaving the show adrift - then it was abruptly canceled after cohost Guiliana Rancic remarked that Zendaya's dreadlocks likely smelled of patchouli oil. "I don't condone racism!" cried Kelly. "I will never admit to liking Giuliana, because I don't." Again, Team No One?
Yet this was rich coming from Kelly, who created quite the stir on "The View" when she asked of Donald Trump, "If you kick every Latino out of this country, who is going to be cleaning your toilet?' only to clumsily backtrack - "I didn't mean it like that! Come on!" she protested - after a withering, DEFCON-4 glare from cohost Rosie Perez. Incredibly, during the next commercial break, producers asked Rosie to apologize to Kelly on-air. To which Rosie responded by quitting the show on the spot. This time? So easy. Team Rosie.
In the meantime, Kelly was in an out of rehab seven times, confined to two mental institutions, and now claims to keep herself busy by working as a club DJ - for who? where? no ones knows - just like her pal Paris Hilton. She's also been angrily denouncing various ex-boyfriends, such as Luke Worrall "He's been cheating on me for so many fucking years," she cried out furiously, pointing out that he once cheated on her with a transexual woman, which was meant as a smear. Today, Kelly is an unpaid spokesperson for Ozempic. "I think it's amazing," she says. "People who hate on it are just pissed off that they can't afford it."
This was after mother Sharon used the drug, turned into skelator and is speaking out against it. But Kelly's her own woman and, yes, still a proud nepo baby. "I've accepted the fact that I'm me," she's announced. "I never once thought in a million years that I'd be that healthy girl." Moreover, she's a new mom to her infant son, Sidney, whom she had with musician Sid Wilson. And, yes, she's very much hoping Sidney will follow in her family's showbiz footsteps. In this instance, easy: Team Sidney. Hold tight, little Sidney. If mommy makes you doo-doo in a Ziploc, call 911.
Photo Credits: Getty Images; E! via YouTube; HypeLine; Invision/AP; Kelly Osborne/Instagram
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