WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Alyssa Milano? Or Mindy Kaling? Or Whoopi Goldberg?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Hungry Jack Mashed Potato flakes (see: Madonna's desiccated skin), so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, we have everyone's favorite Poor Little Rich Girl Celebutart, Alyssa Milano, who posted a GoFundMe page a few months ago, soliciting funds from fans and strangers for her 12 year-old son's baseball team. Furious when her fans expressed disbelief that she and her husband, both multimillionaires, were begging like mere poors, she defended herself by snapping back, "I've thrown birthday parties!" Well now, that sure showed them. Then she promptly took her son to see the Super Bowl in Vegas - in prime seats, the cost of which could have paid for her son's baseball team's needs at least four times over. But haters gonna hate. Alysa is all things good, as she wants us to know, so please ignore stories that paint her in a bad light, including the recent revelation that she professionally backstabbed Shannon Doherty years ago by getting her fired from "Charmed." "I will just say that I'm so very sad," noted Alysa when news of her treachery broke this year. "I'm sad that people can't move past it." 

Also sad? The neediness of Alyssa's fake knockers, which are so parched that they're stealing focus from Alyssa and her husband in a picture she posted to her Instagram this week about her trip to a Cabo resort, where she paid $3,000.00 a night for a suite which included a private pool. Fine, fine, richies being richies, nothing to see here. Or is there? Her multi-picture post gushingly describes the resort as "absolute perfection" and raves about the "next level food," "yummy cocktails," while also noting that they had a "fantastic time with the staff, interacting with the private butlers in the cabanas! For a long term stay, a romantic getaway, or a family focused vacation, highly recommend!" 

If you're thinking, "Hold on, that sure does sound like a would-be influencer from the mid-2000s trading 'exposure' for goods and services." To which I respond, "If it walks like a clueless twat who wants the poors to pay for her son's Little League expenditures, then guess what? It also walks like a thirsty ho who, yes, paid for her own absurd-looking tatas, but conversely, see's no reason to pay for her vacations." Do I blame her for scoring a freebie? Absolutely not. But I will just say that I'm so very sad we had to see it. 

The verdict is in: Alyssa is thirsty!

Quick! What are two words which say, "Failing up?" If you guessed Mindy Kaling, who's parlayed her stint as a writer and actor on "The Office" into a multifaceted career of failed movies, such as "Late Night" and "Locked Down," and perpetually ratings-challenged TV efforts, like "The Mindy Project," along with outright fiascos, like "Velma," into something resembling an upswinging career, then you'd be right. Somewhere Satan wants to keep giving her shots, though after "Velma," you'd think even Satan would have said, "Naw, I'm good." 

To add to the fun, Mindy is a shapeshifting marvel, or a "white-facing, power-chasing" performer, as some have noted, who's also been j'accused of lightening her skin, engaging in plastic surgery at a ridiculously young age, and lately, of consuming a scary amount of Ozempic given her seemingly instant, slender-roo appearances on the red carpet these days. Allegedly! But really, if a celebrity wants to pull their face back so far that their nipples are on their back, to paraphrase Cher, so what? If they want to eat ice cream twice a day, then suck their body fat out surgically or medicinally, have at it. Should we care about any of this body transformation stuff? 

It's a question worth asking this week, since Mindy's just announced her new swimwear line, "Summer Camp," which, we're breathlessly told, is "size-inclusive and all about body positivity." Sounds great. Swimwear for everyone. And that "everyone" includes, as you'll notice in the swimwear's promotional articles, a somewhat plump Mindy. Holy Yo-Yo Dieting, Batman, does Mindy gain and lose weight that fast, or is she exploiting her former body size for swimsuit sales? I'm not sure whether this is tacky or thirsty (You: "Why not both?!"), though I will just say that it makes me so very sad - and hungry for ice cream, too. 

The verdict is in: Mindy is thirsty!

Finally, get a load of Whoopi Goldberg, who's giving us discount Weaves 'R' Us locs with bonus graying vadge pube tendrils. Whoopi, as we know, has for years played the part of a both-sides contrarian. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's not, or if we're splitting graying pube hairs, not-not. Who can forget her "It wasn't rape-rape" comment with respect to Roman Polanski's criminal conviction as a child rapist, her stunning reveal that the Holocaust "wasn't about race" - or "It wasn't race-race," if she were clarifying - or her poo-pooing of #OscarSoWhite, since, as she noted at the time, "I won once. So it can't be that racist," or "The Oscar's aren't racist-racist," if she thought to elucidate further 'n' such. 

This week, Whoopi has continued to prove that she's The Calm One on "The View," or everyone's adored Stupido Buddha, by wading into the NFL's Harrison Butker controversy. Butker, as you know, is making a name for himself just like Martin Luther King did, for while King may have said, "I have a dream," Butker is loudly proclaiming, "I have a peen," which loosely translates into being the nation's latest sexist, phobic knob du jour. He like a mansplaining Youtube comment come to life, or a Make-Me-A-Sandwich cum-dumping mess in his mother's basement, but with money. And guess what? Whoopi is here to defend him. Because she sees both sides. 

"I'm standing up for him!" she declared. "He’s at a Catholic college, he’s a staunch Catholic, these are his beliefs! We wanna give respect to people whose ideas are different from ours." Honestly, I was with her till that "respect" bit, because, call me crazy (You: "We've called you much worse!"), but I don't feel the need to "respect" anyone who wants to impose their skanky, outdated points of view onto others, which he very much wants to do. Yet incredibly, Whoopi likens him to Colin Kaepernick, who - what? - was given "respect" for his beliefs by the NFL? Nice try, Whoopi! I'm not going to say she's being an idiot-idiot, since just plain ol' idiot will suffice. Should Whoopi clam up from now on? Maybe, maybe not, though I will just say that I'm so very-very sad that her hairstylist at "The View" hate-hates her almost as much as Meghan McCain's. 

The verdict is in: Whoopi is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: milano_alyssa/Instagram; Getty Images; Getty Images/ABC