Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a cum-stained cock sock from a pimply teen tossed behind his bed four months ago, so they need all the moisture they can get.
First, we have Adam Nimoy, the financial beneficiary of Lucille Ball - whose company years ago financed the very first "Star Trek" series - by way of his deceased father, Leonard Nimoy, who played "Spock," the cool-headed, cat-loving scientist. He died in 2015, but that hasn't stopped many from making beaucoup bucks given all those "Star Trek" sequels and reboots, some of which feature Zachary Quinto, the restaurant waiter-hater and all-around pissy cuntress who portrayed "Spock" twice and thought it would jet-pack him to superstardom, only to be relegated to secondary supporting roles in Ryan Murphy's increasingly mangy TV extravaganzas (which on one hand is sad) (but on the other is exactly what he deserves for treating the poors like lessers).
Adam has already written "The Most Human: Reconciling With My Father, Leonard Nimoy," a book he's currently promoting and which I will not read because I don't really care that much about Adam - sorry/not sorry! - much less why he had to reconcile with his bold-named father. Honestly, unless there were swinging axes or wire hangers involved, why would I bother? What Adam still hasn't talked about, even in his book, is the relationship his father had with William Shatner. Legend has it that William and Leonard hated each other even more than I hate a certain Dr. Von ShitzInHisPants who was recently found guilty of 34 federal charges, but no one knows exactly why, or what prompted their decades-long feud.
Except for Adam, or so he said this week. “I know why!” he exclaimed to reporters, then coyly added that he refuses to elaborate any further and never will. Oh, we see you, Adam, counting down the days till William is toes-up in formaldehyde before you release your new book, "William and Leonard: The Truth Behind Their Highly Illogical Bitchfest!" This is a planning-ahead thirst for a book which is likely already written, but which I will not read, though I will scan for the good bits in online columns and reviews. If it involves swinging axes and wire hangers, so much the better.
The verdict is in: Adam is thirsty!
Remember Nikki Blonsky? She was in the movie "Hairspray," in case you've forgotten. Most people have tried to forget it, if only because of the head-spinning, what-the-fuck spectacle of John Travolta in drag. Not because he was in drag, per se, but because there was something so sorely baffling about a barely-closeted gay actor playing a supposedly straight actor playing a straight role in drag which was originally played by a proudly out, bone-yodeling gay actor who was also playing a straight role and in drag. It was like (sing with me, please) a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, like the circles that you find (deep breath) in the windmills of your mind...that I just put the entire performance out of my mind as fast as I could.
Nikki didn't get much work after "Hairspray," but before she skedaddled down the road to obscurity by becoming a licensed cosmetologist and working at a hair salon - "Good for her!" gif with Jessica Walters - she tried desperately to win friends in high places by sending near-identical Twitter messages to a variety of stars, including, of all people, Rita Wilson. "Hey, it's Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray!" was her overweening cry for attention and moisture. It didn't work, but something tells me that Nikki's still very parched. And I don't mean parched for press coverage of her messiness, like when she and her family got into violent, knock-down-drag-out fight at an airport with Bianca Golden, a Black, "America's Next Top Model" contestant whom Nikki also slammed with racist slurs. "We didn’t say those racist remarks!" Nikki furiously cried on her Instagram, which she swiftly deleted because several people who were actually at the airport when the fight happened wrote back, "No, girl—we heard you." But that's forgotten, right? Time for a brand new day and brand new thirst.
Ergo, nothing quite says look-at-meeeeee more than eloping with your "non-binary artist" girlfriend because you want "privacy," then blasting news of said marriage on every social media outlet known to exist - while also making sure to promote your "non-binary artist" girlfriend's special handcrafted Pride Month jewelry collection (which is now on sale!). Which is exactly what Nikki did this week. Mazel, I guess? And, yes, these two crazy kids met on TikTwat, because of course they did, which is also where Nikki first announced that she was a gayelle in 2020. Nikki says she never wanted to marry because "I was very content with my career!" adding of her life as a newlywed, "I’ve played plenty of 'characters in love' in my life and it has been a blessing!" No word on whether or not John Travolta has sent his blessing - as a gay or straight "character in love" - but if he did, let's all try to forget it. It's just too much and the windmills of my mind can't take it anymore.
The verdict is in: Nikki is thirsty!
Last, we have Evangeline Lilly, who is "so filled with joy!" as she announced this week. "For why?" you ask. Is it because she's a notorious dim-bulb Canadian anti-vaxxer who, at the height of COVID's deadliest wave, participated in a "body sovereignty" anti-vaxx rally in Washington D.C. with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., the Stupido Actor's bestest buddy ever? "Nobody should ever be forced to inject their body with anything!" she cried. "This isn't love!" Luckily, Marvel didn't seen to mind in the least. Evangeline even said that Marvel "was very respectful of my views." The public soon forgot. Which is terrific to hear - phew! - but also very confusing, since another Marvel starlet, Letitia Wright, was relentlessly and publicly called out for her anti-vaxx views, the result being that her career has since come to a dead halt. What's the difference between the two? Nothing, I'm sure! Besides, conservative blonde spokeswhore Tomi Lahren famously noted, "I don't see color," to which Trevor Noah asked, "So what do you do at a traffic light?"
No, Evangeline's joy has nothing to do with COVID, and everything to do with her new "humanitarian journey," wherein she hopes to become a major force for good in people's lives, presumably just like she was with COVID. To that end, the 44 year-old actor - or "food for worms" in Hollywood girl-actor years - has announced this week that she's retiring from the acting game. No, really. No more will she artistically portray a wasp or a Hobbit something-or-other. Which is surely our loss, but not in Evangeline's eyes, since she's hoping to share her many benevolent opinions, as she has about masculinity. "Why do we feel the need to vilify a man driving a pick-up truck who's not afraid to punch someone in the face?" she opined, then added, "Why is a man who loves make-up valiant?" This is the wisdom we've come to expect from Evangeline, who follows likeminded brain trusts, such as Tulsi Gabbard, on social media, though honestly, I've never heard of anyone advocating for more face punching, but you go, Evangeline.
Please realize that retiring has nothing to do with Hollywood being done with the reasonably pretty, but now long-in-the-tooth actor - "Fucking her would be like fucking a cadaver!" said a 63 year-old MBA Hollywood executive who drives a pick-up truck and is not afraid to punch someone in the face - and everything to do with helping us. "Praise God, I feel so grateful for my blessings!” the self-proclaimed "devout Evangelical" announced this week. “Stepping away from what seems like the obvious choice - wealth and fame - can feel scary at times. I might return to Hollywood one day, but for now, this is where I belong, perfectly articulating how I feel about life!" Read that quote back carefully, because this is how a terminally parched actor announces their new journey as a "lifestyle guru." I don't know if Evangeline will soon be selling vagina-scented candles, but if we're lucky, maybe Odeur de la Chevy Silverado Exhaust Fumes, because when I think of Evangeline Lilly, I think of gas discharges, don't you?
The verdict is in: Evangeline is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, so choose one, or if you like, rank this week's three in descending order of 1) mega-thirsty to 2) thirsty-thirsty to 3) thirsty. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credits: Desilu/CBS/Getty Images; Twitter Photo Collage; Getty Images
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