It's About Time: Blake Lively Edition

I will say upfront that she is not a favorite and has never been, so if you are a superstanley, please exit the article because this will hurt your delicate sensibilities. Shoo. Save yourself some tears and hurt feelings. I ask this earnestly, already knowing the answer, but I will ask this question anyway...Is there anyone on the planet who can make the case that Blake wouldn't have disappeared long ago, a forgotten cable TV actress who may or may not have rubbed on Leo DiCaprio's plastic Ken bump if she hadn't married B list Ryan? Can they say without falling into a fit of giggles that she was headed for several acclaimed starring roles? Blake was never good; she was demi-okay, but she never nailed a role or showed any fantastic range or reason that she even had a career after Gossip Girl.

As for Leo, she did go on an obligatory bike ride with him, so I feel like that was a signal that Leo tried to get his reportedly impotent teenie weenie to play with Blake's girly bits. He isn't gay; he's asexual with a load of hangups and bisexual spurts of behavior, and for Blake, that was a bridge too far and a dead end. On this, I applauded her; when she fell into bed with married Mooby Dick Affleck, I got her number. I know this woman. One eye is always on the main chance. Hungry like a starving viper, having grown up in the shadow of fame and Hollywood and raised by wannabe parents, this Valley cheerleader would get her name in lights one man at a time. 

When Ryan came on the scene, you will never convince me she didn't see what he could do for her; she found some footing on the inside. Ryan flirts with A list, slips to B, does Deadpool, gets to A again, makes some shitty movies as followups, slips back to B, and then after every Deadpool does it again. He has yet to prove he is a brilliant actor or massively talented, but neither is she so in that they are matched. It can be argued he has more going for him. He can be funny at moments. He has a little charm. On screen. Off-screen, he has a reputation for having enormous dickhead moments, and that, indeed, most definitely, explains his career. A few years ago, I read a quote from an anonymous man who said out of all the stars he has worked with, and the list was long, Ryan was by far the most unpleasant biggest asshole he had ever met. If true, then the Reynolds deserve each other. They aren't fascinating as a couple and seem more interested in busting out babies than making good films. (I can't denigrate, as I almost have a starting 5 for a basketball team)

When this whole thing with Justin Boldoni exploded, all these things came rushing back into my mind. She and Ryan started blanketing the tabloids, with her camp weighing in as "sources," trying to wrestle away the narrative by throwing their weight into smearing Justin and making Blake seem like the victim. Blake's charges aren't even all that creative and highlight what an enormous ego the middling woman has and what a warped view of herself she possesses. In her assertions, Justin's kisses lingered too long, like he was a creeper who couldn't control himself around this dime-store Aphrodite. I don't believe her, but in her elementary intellect, it sounded good, and you know, all women know a creeper or two. We are supposed to relate and toss Justin, body and soul, under a runaway bus. We got ya, Blake. We women have your back!

Usually, 99 percent of the time, I side with women first. I just do. I do because I know how it is to be harassed, demeaned, condescended to, sexualized, objectified and pushed aside just because I have a set of ovaries and don't look like I crawled out of the depths of some fetid sewer. I think men would act the same if I were unattractive, only they would find a way to make sure I knew I wasn't up to par and should be grateful for any attention I received.  I love men, but when they are chauvinists, misogynists, entitled, or massively insecure about their masculinity, they are unpleasant and sometimes violent against us. This dynamic can also lead to mind games and power plays meant to put us in our place and remind us who has the most power in certain situations. Our collective stories are always eerily similar.

However, I instantly didn't trust the story Blake was telling. I don't believe her take because it is transparent and precisely how a woman like her would behave if she didn't get her way. I see through her. When I read she made an opposing cut of the movie, wresting the director's power from Justin by bringing in Ryan and his Deadpool contacts to make their own undercover movie, I was supremely appalled and profoundly disgusted. Who the fuck does Antebellum Barbie think she is? If I were Justin, I would have lost my mind and shanked her in the liver. But then Blake likes throwing her adjacent power around, which inevitably shows us her myopic view of herself, her gigantic tone-deaf ear, and her pathological lack of ability to read a room. 

I would list her sins, but we are familiar already, the tacky behavior in the interview, those 50-dollar jeans masquerading as an 18,000 dollar pair (feed some children bitch, save a tree or a cat, donate you feckless asshole), her public coziness with Woody Allen and of course, her hit of hits, her antebellum magazine and plantation wedding with the ghosts of slavery giving it extra panache. This imbecile isn't even from the south. In 2016, she claimed to have an LA face with an Oakland booty. Only a quasi-blonde could possibly be this blind and up their own ass like this. Something in that dye makes some blondes feel far more attractive than they are and much more appealing, like it smooths the flaws, and we can't see that they are average. That is a subject for another article, another blonde, and some insight into the power of that hair color. 

Blake tells us she is brave enough to be her own stylist. Bravo. She desperately wants to be a fashion
icon, and her people push this narrative down our throats. Her expensive outfits look cheap, and they wear her instead of the other way around. Her taste level is questionable and that's me being kind. 

The tide turned so fast against Blake that I knew we were legion, and I felt like a part of the silent majority that always wondered why she was a thing. Why, after loads of nothing films and wasted budgets, did she still star in anything? We woke up one day, and our moment had arrived. Once the blood was in the water, we confessed our true feelings loudly on every comment section and blog we could find; YouTube and TikTok had gleeful takedowns with more to come. We are enjoying it too much to let her off the hook. Ever. 

For her previous crimes, she deserves to suffer, and for her lack of talent, she deserves to disappear from pop culture. She has shown she isn't decent and lacks the depth of character to withstand this onslaught. When she disappears, will we even notice? This, for Blake, will burn the most. For all her parading and thirst, when it is all boiled down, no one will miss Blake Lively when she fades; she won't be fondly remembered. She won't even be a trivia question. 

Photos: Getty, INF, Invision, CTMG