WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? - SPECIAL EDITION - The Ugly, Dangerous, Laughing-Boy Sanctimony Of George Clooney

Danger ahead! It's called George Clooney. The man, the myth, or at least the myth-in-his-own-mind. He's pictured above with his new store-bought teefs, along with evidence that he may well need a re-do of his under-eye surgery - the only cosmetic tweek he'll admit to - since those bags definitely won't fit under the seat or in the overhead bin. 

George, as you know, likes to think of himself as both a regular funny-bunny guy and Lord Almighty of The High Church of Hollywood. Beware of both. In terms of the former, his eyes frequently glisten with an aw-shucks twinkle when he jokes about his longtime bestie, Brad Pitt, whom he calls "Pretty Boy Brad," or when he mocks his nipple-dee-do-da, 1997 "Batman" outfit, or mentions how often he likes to play pranks while on set. See? He's just a regular guy. So rascally! Such a scamp!

Except when he's not. When Quentin Tarantino recently told the press that George is "not a movie star," George was no longer the funny-bunny we've come to know, instead furiously firing back, "Quentin said some shit about me recently. Dude, fuck off! Movie star? That's kind of like my whole fucking career!" Except it's not. A television phenom who parlayed his fame into a few early movie hits? Absolutely. But otherwise, unless he's paired with a real star, like Sandra Bullock in 2013's "Gravity," or finds himself in an ensemble of stars, such as Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts in the "Ocean's 11" series, no one has ever beaten a path to his movies - and that includes the ones he's directed, all of which have bombed. His resume is littered with movies that have barely broken even, or worse. 

Even a brief nude scene was not enough to save 2002's "Solaris," one of many Clooney box-office failures, including 2003's "Intolerable Cruelty," 2006's "The Good German," 2008's "Burn After Reading," and many more. No female star's career has ever been able to sustain so many box office bombs.

Likely because of this, George has branched out - just like Gwyneth Paltrow! -  into products sales, such as a tequila company which he sold for over $400 million, and product endorsements for the likes of Nespresso, for which he's paid $45 million annually. This leaves him with plenty of time to pursue his other passion, that of Lord Almighty for the aforementioned High Church of Hollywood. This reached its nadir when he wrote an I'm-a-Smarty-Pants New York Times Op-Ed urging President Joe Biden to drop out of the Presidential race. 

This was payback, several DC wags say, for Biden refusing to publicly support his wife Amal Clooney's International Criminal Court case. In a  "pay-attention-to-meeeeee!" move, George even called The White House to angrily complain - and was outraged when he was not connected to Biden, but instead to Steve Ricchetti, counselor to the President. No word on whether Clooney then screamed (in his best "do you know who I am?" voice), "Dude, fuck off! Movie star? That's kind of like my whole fucking career!" Just a scant few weeks later, after a lavish Biden fundraiser, George dropped his Op-Ed. 

Clooney, his wife Amal, Pitt and his girlfriend Ines de Ramon, who's almost 30 years his junior, at the Venice Film Festival

Yet just this past week at the Venice Film Festival, where he was promoting "Wolfs," an already poorly-reviewed movie with Pretty Boy, he demurred, flashing his brand-new pearlies. He had nothing to do with Biden dropping out, he said with a hardened gleam in his eye, he has no political ambitions whatsoever to be President, despite credible reports to the contrary, and he testily snapped back against the report that he was paid $35 million for "Wolfs," saying only that it "was less than that." But mostly, he posed for photos with Pretty Boy like a parched, needy thot, and mentioned that he would soon be starring on Broadway in a play he wrote, based on his film, "Good Night And Good Luck," his only limply-effective 2005 directorial debut which unceremoniously tanked. 

All of this might just be harmless frivolity - a briefly A-level, now B-level actor straining to be taken seriously - but George is a danger. Don't believe me? Amidst the gee-whiz posturing in Venice, George was asked about his Biden Op-Ed. He bypassed it expertly, instead stating that Biden is a President on par "with George Washington," a whopping bit of over-baked hyperbole which provided plenty of snarky blowback from the likes of FOX News - but not, crucially, from the Democratic powers-that-be. And therein lies the danger. George, long a major contributor to Democratic politicians and causes, is very well liked by the party's establishment. Should he decide to run for President on the Democratic ticket, he'll have a lot of support. 

We already know how disastrous it can be when a Hollywood actor with puffy-headed certitude becomes President. We're still living in the hellscape Ronald Reagan created. But I doubt matters will be any better under a Clooney presidency, in which he'll surely become an easily manipulated puppet of the center-right, neo-liberal, economically conservative wing, the same group which President Bill Clinton cow-towed to in the final years of his Presidency, delivering a staggering windfall of cash and tax breaks to corporations. If you don't believe President Clooney can happen, consider a Democratic nominee landscape which includes Clooney and the usual Democratic players. Let's toss in a gifted underdog, like President Obama was when he was a newbie nominee. Clooney, with that newly-paid for smile, twinkle in his eye and smooth as butter delivery, would knee-cap the likes of a relative unknown like Obama, or any new talent which dared interfere with his coronation.

Clooney has been a baby-hugging, ass-kissing politician his entire life, a long-coddled nepo baby whose career wasn't certain at the start. Until, that is, he learned to play the game. He is all persona, carefully calculated to put Joe Lunchbox at ease, but "self-aware" enough to appeal to the "cool kids," the Democrats and their power brokers. Case in point, his previous support of his wife's International Criminal Court case. Why, you may wonder, if George was so very determined to support her cause, did he not take his case to to his adoring public? Because the cause in this case was to support a warrant for the arrest of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and three Hamas leaders for committing war crimes. Messiness. Controversy. And also a very real possibility that publicly voicing his support would enrage both Jewish people and Palestinians. It was also an empty gesture - a performative, placard-waving maneuver which the pragmatic Biden had no time for, but which is a preview of things-to-come should Clooney become President. 

No doubt fearing that he might face the fate of Susan Sarandon, another would-be Democratic political braintrust, or the loathing of college-aged pro-Palestine protesters, he tried to work his practiced charms behind the scenes on Amal's behalf. It didn't work - this time. And make no mistake, he's only beginning. Maybe if we tell George that he's every inch a "fucking movie star," like, say, Pia Zadora or Megan Fox, he'll go away, though I somehow doubt it. The danger is already here: in eight years or less, Democratic Presidential-candidate George Clooney will arrive. George is the thirstiest, most perilous of hors; he won't be satisfied until we're all calling him our leader. 

Photo Credits: Getty Images; Warner Bros; Fox News; Sony Pictures