THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "The Most Hated Christmas Songs" by GlamourDoll!

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Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's seasonal entry is from Glamour Doll!

I unabashedly love it when local radio stations start playing Christmas music in November. I even have a Christmas playlist I start playing while cooking for Thanksgiving. Recently, I was groovin' in my car to the Christmas station when "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Martina McBride came on, I immediately - Grinchly - frowned and changed the station to protect my sanity.

See, I despise that song because it's dreadfully slow and boring. I grew up watching "Meet Me in St. Louis", where the song was debuted by Judy Garland herself. And yes, literally every time I watched that movie, I fast-forwarded through that song (remember doing that?). I have never heard a rendition of it I can tolerate. Judy's is about 2.5 minutes, Martina's drags on for over 4 minutes. Who decided we needed a longer version of it?




I have others I hate even more.

Coming in at #3, "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. Deeply unpleasant. This one is 100% on Bing. Other versions, like Ella Fitzgerald, Darlene Love, The Drifters, are delightful. But Bing's version is tedious and feels like watching paint dry. Whenever I watched "White Christmas", I would fast-forward through the opening credits, and whoops! Oh goodness! I've accidently fast-forwarded through Bing singing the title song, oh no! Nothing I can do to go back!

In a very close race, #2 is "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. This song is irredeemable. What even is this song? The lyrics are lazy and repetitive. Even bad lyrics can sometimes be saved by a melody or a beat. Not here! This is pure, ear-bleeding nonsense. Paul is a talented songwriter, which makes this abomination more baffling. How did he go from:

“Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky…I know this love of mine will never die" and "yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away…now it looks as though they're here to stay..."

to:

"The choir of children, sing their song, they practiced all year long, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong." I once heard (years ago, source lost to time) that “Wonderful Christmastime” consistently ranks as the worst Christmas song ever, which checks out.



But coming in at #1, my most despised Christmas song of all time is: "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by John (Lennon) & Yoko Plastic Ono Band + Harlem Community Choir. Is the war really over when this song is such a crime against humanity? I cannot listen to this song for more than a few seconds without having a visceral reaction. 

I can't even fully articulate why it's so unbearable. It feels 6 hours long and you can practically feel the smugness radiating from John's voice. But let’s not encourage another celebrity sing-along.



After doing some research, I found 2 Worst Christmas Songs lists: Jazzfuel
Here are some of the contenders, in no particular order:

"Funky, Funky Xmas” by New Kids on the Block
“All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” by Spike Jones & His City Slickers
“Last Christmas” by Wham!
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey
“Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte
“Santa Baby” by various artists
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” by Band Aid
“Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy
“The Christmas Shoes” by NewSong
"The Little Drummer Boy" by Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)" by Alvin and the Chipmunks

So there you have it. Do you disagree with my most hated songs? Are there any songs on the lists that don't deserve the hate? When it comes to Christmas songs you hate, is it the song itself, or the person singing it? Does your tolerance for holiday music improve or worsen depending on how much you actually enjoy the season? And finally, what makes a Christmas song truly "bad"? Overplayed? Too cheesy? Religious? Boring? Grating repetition? A butchered cover?

Which song - or songs! - turns you into a full-blown Christmas Hobgoblin?

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