PECKERWOOD'S WEEKLY LUNOCRACY POST! The Assassination Attempt Industrial Complex: A Guide to 47’s Gamechanger Scheme For the Week of 4/27/2026

Listen, I'm not saying these assassination attempts on 47 are faker than his burnt Turkish apricot tan, but I've seen more convincing death scenes in a rural Arkansas high school’s production of Romeo and Juliet. They couldn’t even get hired to wear a Goofy suit at Disney World because they are so unconvincing. The facts don’t add up. Their performances are so lazy that the effort to hard sell these narratives only works on the feverish indoctrinated cult members. You need MAGA atrophied brain matter to not give yourself a concussion with eye rolls. Let’s break this down because it is too much. They are doing too much. 

The Butler Rally: A Masterclass in Melodramatic Timing

Let's start with the pièce de résistance: Butler, Pennsylvania, July 13, 2024. We are to believe that a 20-year-old with a rifle can climb onto a rooftop 400 feet from a former president during a campaign rally, and no one notices until he starts shooting.  Yes, some guy just gets up on a rooftop with gear, and the Secret Service, whose literal job description is “keep bad things from happening to the president,” somehow missed a guy scaling up the ladder like Peter Parker in his Spiderman garb. How? 

47 allegedly gets grazed by a bullet, bleeds melodramatically, and instead of being tackled to the ground by the Secret Service as they are trained to do and immediately whisked away, he gets to stage a pause for what is supposed to be an iconic photo op. Fist raised, American flag waving, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" echoing across the Pennsylvania MAGA farmland. It's so perfectly staged that even Hollywood took notes because on the surface, it was a brilliant execution of patriotic optics. It was pure theatre, except it was supposed to be real. Too bad Life magazine is defunct because this was legendary collector’s edition cover material. 

These aesthetically minded Secret Service agents, who are professionals trained to protect, apparently decided this was the perfect moment for a really rad campaign poster. Make the target bigger, why don’t you? He’s an orange beacon that can be seen from the next state, so their best move was to give him center stage. What if there is a second shooter? Isn’t that what they should have been thinking? Because nothing says "active shooter situation" like letting your principal pose for Getty Images. Standard protocol dictates you evacuate immediately, and they didn’t. 

The Ear That Wouldn't Scar

Now, about that infamous ear injury. 47 claims he took a bullet for democracy, but skeptics noticed something odd: his ear healed faster than a superhero’s. It smelled a little off, so some people started comparing photos from before and after, and shockingly, they couldn't find the kind of permanent damage that should be there from that kind of gunshot wound. Nothing. Nada. 

The conspiracy theorists, who are sometimes a little too wild in their takes, immediately claimed he used a "blood pill." To be fair, that sounds outlandish.  But so does missing every vital organ, all that fleshy orange real estate when shooting from 400 feet away and only grazing an ear. At that distance, my great-grandma could have had a better aim, and she's been dead since the 20th century. The FBI confirmed he was indeed struck by a bullet, but the complete lack of visible scarring or major damage has people asking questions that no scientist can effectively answer. Or does 47 have special super duper fast healing blood? 

The Shooter Who Didn't Fit the Narrative

Thomas Matthew Crooks was a 20-year-old registered Republican who curiously somehow had detailed knowledge of the rally site layout despite never having been there. Again, he’s 20 years old. I haven’t read that he was a geography prodigy. Did you know that Tommy flew a drone over the venue hours before the event and that it didn’t raise any concerns? 

We are also supposed to believe that although the local police spotted him with a rangefinder, they simply somehow lost track of him before he got on the roof. No alarms were raised. Just a shrug and a “whatayagonnado?”  Finally, when they do see him up there, it "didn't occur" to one officer to radio 47’s detail with a warning. No abort the mission! I guess it simply slipped their minds, and they were all collectively picking their underwear out of their asses after they were struck down by a rare form of amnesia mixed with debilitating ADHD.

And this tidbit is why none of this makes sense. The Secret Service and local police were using different radio channels and had to communicate via cell phone calls, like it's 1995. In 2024. At a big public presidential security event, with unlimited budget and resources, this was the choice. How? Motorola sponsorship? 

The Convenient Silence

Here's what really doesn't add up: a man who once spent three days tweeting insults at Meryl Streep barely mentioned Thomas Crooks afterward. This is the same guy who coined "Sleepy Joe," "Crooked Hillary," and probably has a nickname for his pinky toe. But the man who allegedly tried to kill him? Radio silence. It doesn't compute. Where was "Crazy Crooks"? Where was the three-week revenge tour? The man who can't let anything go decides the time he’s just going to let this go?

The Congressional Clown Show

The congressional investigations into Butler revealed failures so spectacular they'd be funny if they weren't terrifying. It is ludicrous that the Secret Service received threat intelligence 10 days before the rally and did nothing with it. Former Director Kimberly Cheatle straight-up lied to Congress, claiming no resource requests were denied for the Butler rally when multiple requests had consistently been denied. 

Intelligence briefings authorized counter-snipers at all outdoor rallies the day before Butler, but somehow, they weren't at the July 9 Doral rally. Either someone can't read a calendar, or security protocols are more like security suggestions. Mere hints. Despite all these failures, nobody got fired. Not one person. Zero consequences. Do we believe that if it had been real, 47 wouldn’t have fired everyone in the most sadistic way possible? 

Florida: The Sequel Nobody Asked For

Then came Ryan Routh at the Florida golf course in September 2024. This one was so anticlimactic that they could barely squeeze a headline out of it. Guy shows up with a gun, gets arrested, and then, well, nothing happens. No shots fired. No dramatic photos. Just a standard "we caught him before anything happened" situation.

Routh got life in prison in February 2026, which seems harsh for a guy who technically didn't do anything except show up armed at a golf course. Then again, this is Florida, you can get the death penalty for looking at someone too long.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner: 

April 2026 brings us Cole Tomas Allen and the White House Correspondents' Dinner shooting. Let me paint you a picture: 47 hasn't attended this event in years. His approval ratings are in free fall over the Iran situation. A judge just ruled against his proposed ballroom event. By golly, wouldn’t you know it, someone tries to shoot him at the exact moment when a distraction would be politically convenient. 

Here is where it becomes obvious. Allen allegedly reserved a room at the Hilton hotel for the event. That wouldn’t mean anything except that those reservations have to be made over a year in advance. 47’s decision to attend was uncertain then, and his presence hadn’t been publicly announced yet. Yet Miss Cleo of the Assassin World, Allen, knew to book a room for an event that 47 hadn't committed to attending? How? 

Allen bum rushes a checkpoint "like an NFL running back," according to 47 himself. Secret Service stops him cold. You shall not pass. He is quickly thwarted, and nobody dies. That part hurts because had things been different…my tears run bitter. Immediately, 47 tweets about how this proves we need his ballroom idea. You see, we need this, or people might lose their lives. MAGAland echoes the same message within hours. It's almost like they had the talking points already. Almost has a kind of has a Roger Stone/Steve Bannon feeling about it. Almost.

The Curious Case of the Living Assassin

Here's the thing that makes no sense. Cole Tomas Allen is alive. Thomas Crooks? Shot dead within 16 seconds of opening fire. Ryan Routh? Arrested, but at least an attempt was made to take him down. Allen charges a checkpoint, there's gunfire, a Secret Service agent gets hit in the chest (thank God for bulletproof vests), and Allen only gets arrested.

No shots to neutralize the threat? No immediate takedown? Just a polite arrest worthy of a royal afternoon tea and a hospital visit? Just a wee bit performative, aren’t we? Maybe they are bringing back flash mobs, but with a dark, murderous twist. 

What has to be the weirdest detail? Allen's manifesto specifically excluded FBI Director Kash Patel from his target list. Yes, Drunky Patel wasn’t on the list. He wrote out which administration officials he wanted to harm and specifically noted that Patel wasn't one of them. Like he made it a point. Nothing suspicious about that level of specificity. It’s as if Drunky said during a clandestine planning meeting, yeah, name those bastards, but you know, leave me off. Because it isn’t a good look. It’s bad for my brand.

The MAGA Civil War

So now even 47’s own supporters think Butler was staged. Joe Kent, a former administration official who resigned over the Iran conflict, went on Fucker Carlson and claimed investigations were halted prematurely with no evidence. Trisha Hope, an RNC delegate, noted that 47 "seldom mentions it; it's as if it never occurred, except when he claims he took a bullet for us."

Comedian Tim Dillon suggested the president should just admit "we staged the assassination attempt in Butler to show people how important it was to vote for me." When your own base starts questioning your martyrdom narrative, it is notable. 

The Pattern Recognition Olympics

Let's look at the timeline, shall we?

• Butler attempt: Happens during campaign season when 47needs a boost. Creates an iconic photo. Polls improve.

• Florida attempt: Convenient reminder that 47 faces danger. No actual danger occurs. Arrests made. Security looks competent this time.

• Correspondents' Dinner attempt: Happens when approval ratings drop, right after an unfavorable court ruling, during 47’s first appearance at the event in years. Immediately used it to justify his ballroom proposal.

It's almost like there's a pattern. Almost like someone realized that attempted assassinations are great for sympathy points without the messy consequences of actual assassinations. Surely that's just a coincidence.

The Uncomfortable Questions We Are Left With:

Believing in conspiracy theories can make you sound like you live in your mom's basement, surviving on Mountain Dew and pork rinds. But the "there" is there. 

Why does a man who branded everything from steaks to universities barely mention the people who tried to kill him? He loves to plead persecution, and he gives nothing here?

Why did the Secret Service have two separate communication centers at Butler using different radio channels when standard protocol requires unified communication?

Why were resource requests denied for 47’s security detail throughout 2024, yet the director lied to Congress about it?

Why does every attempt happen at politically convenient moments, campaign rallies, approval rating drops, and unfavorable news cycles?

How did Cole Tomas Allen know to reserve a hotel room for an event Trump hadn't publicly committed to attending?

Why was Allen taken alive when Crooks was killed within seconds, despite Crooks never getting close to Trump while Allen charged a checkpoint?

Maybe I'm just connecting dots that aren't there. Maybe the world is genuinely this chaotic and coincidental. Or maybe I am just saying, I am just keeping it real, someone realized that nothing boosts poll numbers quite like surviving assassination attempts. 3 on the same president is unheard of and frankly not plausible. Normal liars would run this play once, but these gluttons have no restraint. Things look dire, so let’s get a patsy to pretend to shoot 47. How many more times will they pull this out of their asses during darker times? Because you and I know they will do it again. They can’t help themselves.