Peckerwood Manor

Look, it's Amanda Lepore Madonna celebrating the holidays by flashing her stench trench with a cheap Sears Santa by her side during her "Celebration" tour. At least I think that amalgamation of skin, plastic and viscous peen gravy is Madonna, but who knows? Stars! They're just like dried nut custard! Or at least the ones who want you know how desperately - and I mean desperately - they're enjoying the holiday season. Because nothing says hor for the holidays like horing yourself out for you Instagram feed.  Speaking of hors, Nick Canon wants us all to know that he rully-rully cares about all the crotch-droppings of the world, half of which are his, by disguising himself as a Keepin' It Trashy Santa™ at a children's cancer ward in Orange County - because nothing says "Kill me now" like cancer and Nick Canon. Please note the lack of a proper Santa beard, since Nick wants all the children and his fans on the 'gram to know that it's him. Wh

How I long for the bygone days of couch-jumping and maniacal laughter. No, for reals. Ever since the writers and actors went on strike, all of your favorite celebs are no longer on the promotional ho stroll making fools of themselves or being tacky. Ergo, celebrity gossip isn't just in the crapper, it's an unsinkable molly brown - or a brown trout of, let's say, the Piers Morgan variety. Eeeow! No one wants that.  How do we know this? Because all the gossip sites are straining really hard to come up with stuff now that the stars are hunkering down - or protesting, God help us, like Susan Sarandon . Take "Page Six," which today has this earth-shattering news: "Barbara Walters' Last Words!" Which are the none-too-earth-shattering, "No regrets. I've had a great life." That's not just a crumb parading as a story, it's your grandfather's flaky beard dandruff and sputum dotting his dark blue shirt. What else does "Page Six&q