How I long for the bygone days of couch-jumping and maniacal laughter. No, for reals. Ever since the writers and actors went on strike, all of your favorite celebs are no longer on the promotional ho stroll making fools of themselves or being tacky. Ergo, celebrity gossip isn't just in the crapper, it's an unsinkable molly brown - or a brown trout of, let's say, the Piers Morgan variety. Eeeow! No one wants that.
How do we know this? Because all the gossip sites are straining really hard to come up with stuff now that the stars are hunkering down - or protesting, God help us, like Susan Sarandon. Take "Page Six," which today has this earth-shattering news: "Barbara Walters' Last Words!" Which are the none-too-earth-shattering, "No regrets. I've had a great life." That's not just a crumb parading as a story, it's your grandfather's flaky beard dandruff and sputum dotting his dark blue shirt. What else does "Page Six" have? More on alleged child abuser Ruby Franke. That's not gossip, thats a fuck-me-sideways-with-a-monkey-wrench horror show and it doesn't count. Neither does their lead story about Derek Hough canoodling with his wife. His wife! WTF? And Derek Hough? Cue *Harpo, who's this woman* gif.
Even TMZ, a usually reliable source of celebrity fuckery, is straining. They're reporting on Travis Barker - such glamour! - who had to cut his tour short with "Blink 182" because of an unspecified family emergency. But c'mon, unless this emergency is a complete head transplant for Travis, I'm not interested. And, oh, yes, there's another story in which "a source" claims that Britney Spears will not be doing OnlyFans, because, let's be honest, save a camera showing her cooter stretched wide with a speculum, we've seen it all.
The only celebrities allowed to speak and potentially give us some decent goss or asshatary are those appearing in SAG-waiver, non-AMPTP productions, like Adam Driver - again, the glamour! - who's promoting "Ferrari," a Michael Mann movie already getting tepid reviews. And what is he talking about? The strike! How he's totally behind it and really supports...huh? Wha? Sorry, but gossip right now is like an awkward sexual advance. You may want it, but it's so clumsy and skird you just want to slap it upside the head.
Which means the best gossip right now is no gossip. It's Kylie Minogue and her verifiably batshit new music video, "Tension." I've no idea what's going on here - someone please explain (or not) - but Kylie looks fantastic and if she's intending to bring back trippy mid-90s club beats, she's succeeded. It's just no substitute for TommyGirl™ jumping on couches and this makes me sad emoticon. For our own sanity, I hope the strikes end soon.
The Reagan era — a time when the American Dream got a perm, Wall Street got high on its own supply, and compassion was drowned in a jacuzzi at Studio 54. This was the decade when *greed* wasn’t just good — it was federally endorsed. When your country told you that if you weren’t rich, healthy, or white with a good TV smile, you probably deserved whatever hell you were living through. AIDS? Ignore it. Crack epidemic? Criminalize it. Union workers? Fire ‘em. Trees? Cut ‘em. Poor people? Trickle something on them and call it economics. Ronald Reagan sold optimism the way televangelists sell salvation: loud, rehearsed, and with a suspicious bank account offshore. “It’s morning in America,” he beamed, like some kind of demented cheerleader for a dying empire — while actual Americans were waking up to layoffs, homelessness, and lethal indifference. Don’t have healthcare? Bootstraps. Can’t afford college? Bootstraps. Your rent is half your income? Pull harder, baby. Meanwhile, Nanc...
Siren's Curse is the newest roller coaster ride at Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio. The attraction, which opened at the end of June, is the first tilt coaster in the USA. This means that it has a section of track that disconnects from its starting position, turns 90 degrees, and attaches to a steep decline track. But last week, the ride came to a stop mid-tilt, stranding its passengers. This is the fourth time that this has happened since the ride opened! The park's spokesman says that this is due to the ride's safety system restarting, and says it's the equivalent to a check-engine light. Riders had to safely exit the coaster before it could resume. Would you ride on Siren's Curse after so many incidents in its first month of operation? Are you a roller coaster junkie or do you prefer safer amusement park rides? Source: UPI, Cedar Point amusement park
"GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!" If you've ever heard the phrase, "The nose knows" and wondered to yourself, "What exactly DOES the nose know?" , be sure as fuck not to ask this guy! That's because he's the Burbank Serial Butt-Sniffer, otherwise known as Calese Carron Crowder, and he's got a really shitty way of getting information. First arrested in 2023 for sniffing ass at Barnes and Noble, he was arrested again last week for sniffing ass at Walmart - fucking WALMART, where all of the ass I've ever smelled was against my will! Can you even imagine?? I can, I did, and I wish I hadn't! Anyhor, his bail is set at $100,000, and he's expected to go before a judge today. Let's just hope Goopy isn't inspired with any new ideas...
Comments
Post a Comment