WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Shakira? Or Jared Leto? Or The Bey-Hating Lily Allen?
Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than that mangy package of rice cakes you bought but never ate because they taste like cardboard, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Shakira, seen above wearing incense coils on her diminutive sparrow teets, because why not? The "Hips Don't Lie" singer who I am very tempted to call a one-hit wonder (but I won't because I'm eating dark chocolate covered mini-pretzels, so: happy) is known far and wide for a little "oopsie" tax evasion and genuinely messy relationships. Just recently, she's begun humping on Lucien Laviscount, that fine piece of British chocolate from "Emily In Paris" whom she featured in her new music video as a strapping, bare-chested centaur. Very subtle, Shakira! I hope she's riding that mythological horsey-hunk only 16 years younger than her till her hips fracture...