WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Shakira? Or Jared Leto? Or The Bey-Hating Lily Allen?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than that mangy package of rice cakes you bought but never ate because they taste like cardboard, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, we have Shakira, seen above wearing incense coils on her diminutive sparrow teets, because why not? The "Hips Don't Lie" singer who I am very tempted to call a one-hit wonder (but I won't because I'm eating dark chocolate covered mini-pretzels, so: happy) is known far and wide for a little "oopsie" tax evasion and genuinely messy relationships. Just recently, she's begun humping on Lucien Laviscount, that fine piece of British chocolate from "Emily In Paris" whom she featured in her new music video as a strapping, bare-chested centaur. Very subtle, Shakira! I hope she's riding that mythological horsey-hunk only 16 years younger than her till her hips fracture. Why? Because Lucien has been regularly upgrading his girlfriends along with his acting gigs - from heiress Chloe Green to Kiki Palmer and more. But then what do we expect of a former "Big Brother UK" contestant who's never met a ladder he didn't want to climb while chomping on a muffin?

In the meantime, Shakira cares for her tween sons Sasha and Milan. This week, in a wide-ranging interview with Allure magazine, she had a few pointed things to say about her sons and the movie "Barbie." Sasha and Milan, she says, absolutely hated the movie - they found it "emasculating" - and she very much agreed with them. She wants her sons to feel "empowered" and not dissed by some silly doll movie which "robs men of their possibility to be men, to protect and to provide." I'm not sure when Shakira mind-melded with Megyn Kelly, or maybe she's ready to move on from Lucien to Ted Cruz or Ben Shapiro. But perhaps more startling is that her tween sons actually know the word "emasculating." 

The interview is also chock-a-block with what Shakira calls her "she-wolf" brand of feminism. "Connect with the woman inside of you," she coos. "With those womanly needs." Moreover, she reveals her vital beauty tips. “I do the craziest thing," she says. "I massage my face very vigorously because I believe in circulation.” This is indeed brand new, jaw-dropping information. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to the inevitable "bolt" part of Lucien's bang-and-bolt, since the always moisture-seeking songstress will no doubt have even more to say about feminism, her own circulatory system (which she believes in!), and those damn emasculating dolls. 

The verdict is in: Shakira is thirsty!

Next up, we have "yikes" incarnate, and by that I mean Jared Leto, the fun-loving star and would-be musician who's known for sexually assaulting women, including underage girls - allegedly! - and routinely terrorizing his co-workers with his would-be "Method Acting" techniques - not allegedly! - like the time he played "The Joker" and delivered his cast mates a dead pig, then sent co-star Margot Robbie a rat, anal beads, used condoms and sticky porn magazines. He later insisted that he was "just joking." No word from Margot on whether or not she's still yucking it up, or if Jared has secretly been mentoring Ezra Miller. 

This week, Jared almost gave your aunties and memaws a heart-attack on April Fool's Day when he stepped out arm-in-arm with Vanna White as the surprise host of "Wheel Of Fortune" in a shiny back shirt, jacket, and slacks with long, "Just For Men"-dyed tresses in a color which I'll charitably call "Waitress Black," but which he likely regards as "punk" and "eDgY gIrL." Naturally, the audience shrieked with horror and disbelief, and honestly, it might have been a decent April Fool's gag if he'd bothered to stay and host the show. But after only a few minutes, and once his thirst cup was filled, he teehee'd and skip-to-me-lou'd away, leaving a confused Pat Sajak to meander out and continue. 

This was when your aunties and memaws scrambled to check their medications, because they were certain they hallucinated a greasy-haired, donkey-raping turdpipe trying for late-80s goth in place of Sajak, the show's usual MAGA turdpipe. From a coolio wangsta to a withered Trump-lover in just a blink! Your memaw just swore off those pear-flavored CBG gummies you gave her and isn't speaking to you (at least until lunch because she's making you her famous 7-layer salad with chicken and bacon bits). As for Jared, I'm sure he's still tittering in a corner somewhere with used anal beads and a BlowMotion Heated Auto-Masturbator, but sadly, he's still parched, though only until he enacts his next "just joking" fun-loving gag. Let's hope that emasculating Margot Robbie has a restraining order. 

The verdict is in: Jerod is thirsty! 

Finally, we have the demure Lily Allen, here being dragged off by a bodyguard after arriving a drunken mess at Glamour magazine's "Women Of The Year" Awards, though she was actually "falling into a K hole" as she later clarified, since presumably that's much cooler than being drunk like a regular. What's a Lily Allen, you ask? She's a one-time British pop-tart and full-time thirsty sloot whose career, she says, was "totally ruined" when she had kids, since she's had to care for them. No confirmation yet on whether or not the kids are pleading with her to immediately, pretty-please-with-a-cherry-on-top, return to her career full time, but they can dream, can't they?

Lately, Lily has been earning press more for her desperation than for what's left of her alleged career, and by desperation I mean attacking Beyonce, since every proper thirst hor knows that it's easier than a dead whore to garner press by stirring up the Beyhive. Just this week, Lily opined on a podcast - because of course a podcast - that Beyonce may well be getting some "help" in order to look more youthful. "She makes me quite excited about entering my 40s," she snarked, then coyly backtracked; golly, she said, she didn't mean to imply that Beyonce has undergone any plastic surgery. Not exactly well played on Lily's part, but then she was just getting started. 

From there, she blasted Beyonce's country album as a cold, machine-tooled commercial endeavor, and further blasted Jay Z for his recent Grammy's speech where he derided the award's head honchos for failing to bend over and give his wife her awards due. But wait, Lily wasn't finished. She also slammed Beyonce for covering and partially rewriting "Jolene," calling it "very weird" that she would sing one of country music's most beloved songs - failing to realize, perhaps, that Saint Dolly Parton, the songs's writer, gave her permission to do so (because ka-ching, since despite the ka-ching she earned from Whitney's cover of her song, "I Will Always Love You," she needs more cash for her many charities and book drives) (saints are that way). No matter, because Lily is getting the press she craves and doesn't even have to leave the house, much to the rumored ire of her children, who are now looking into something called a "K hole" and making plans. Allegedly, of course. 

The verdict is in: Lily is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: Emmanuelle Monsalve for Allure; Getty Images; Billboard via Getty Images