Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Hor?" Today's trio are drier than J.D.Vance's surprise cornholio - "Ouch! No lube?!" - while wearing his demure dinner wig because:  fashun , so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Demi Moore, an old hand at thirst-trapping who first caught our attention in 1982 by showing off her extra-furry chocha when she was only 19 years-old. Whatever it takes, right? I want to know what she fed that thing! For the kiddies in our audience, this was back when vaginas weren't shaved and waxed, but only lightly trimmed, the pubes resembling an upside-down triangle or a jumbo, furry pizza slice, though if I'm being honest, Demi's looked more like a small bear cub about to attack. Roar! I wouldn't want to get on its bad side, would you?  Thinking about a minge-binge? Open wide, but have plenty of dental floss for after.   From there, Demi's sha...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than all those Doritios crumbles between J.D. Vance's couch cushions - 'cause he's always snackin' after sexytimes - so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have  Billie Joe Armstrong , the front man for Green Day, a cosmeticized, faux-punk group from the early-90s which aped the moves, sound and attitude of their predecessors, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and their front man,  Anthony Kiedis - sans the Peppers raw talent, innovative discography, and charming socks . I said what I said and shan't be convinced otherwise. Everything about Billie is tricked up, including his sexuality. He's noted that he's in a straight, M/F marriage, but bisexual, which is fine and good, expect when you're tacky about it. This includes the time at an industry party where he allegedly walked up to a long-ago boyfriend with his wif...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a forgotten cat dookie left behind the litter box,  so they need all the moisture they can get. First, behold one of many sobbing pictures recently posted to Instagram by Jennifer Garner , who   wants everyone to know that she's down-in-the-dumpity-doo. "Why?" you ask. "Does it matter?" I answer. In other words, isn't it enough that she's sharing her chopping onions face with all of us commoners and poors? But then with Jennifer, never doubt her stealth agenda, since she's made a very lucrative second career out of being The Good Mom who routinely alerts the paps when she's walking her kids to school and posts videos of herself cleaning her cat's butt, all while telling  People Magazine , "My favorite role is mommy! I make sure everyone has a note in their lunch box every day!"  Never mind that she...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Hungry Jack Mashed Potato flakes (see: Madonna's desiccated skin), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have everyone's favorite Poor Little Rich Girl Celebutart, Alyssa Milano , who posted a GoFundMe page a few months ago, soliciting funds from fans and strangers for her 12 year-old son's baseball team. Furious when her fan s expressed disbelief that she and her husband, both multimillionaires, were begging like mere poors, she defended herself by snapping back, "I've thrown birthday parties!" Well now, that sure showed them. Then she promptly took her son to see the Super Bowl in Vegas - in prime seats, the cost of which could have paid for her son's baseball team's needs at least four times over. But haters gonna hate. Alysa is all things good, as she wants us to know, so please ignore stories t...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a gnarled stick of beef jerky (see: Madonna), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, what's a little felony bankruptcy fraud worth to you? For table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member,  Teresa Giudice , it’s worth about eleven months behind bars, which is where she first took up yoga, she says, because "I just had to get my mind-space clear!" Seen above with brand new inner-tube lips and custom head transplant - created exclusively by Bobbleheads 'R' Us - Teresa has kept busy selling her branded sparkling wine called "Fabelllini," supporting Donald Trump's re-election campaign, and lately, attending Coachella, because of course she was at Coachella. And, yes, she bum-rushed every celebrity and "influencer" within spitting distance to get a selfie with them.  She s...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than your Great Auntie's chocha, so they need all the moisture they can get.  First up, we have Justin Bieber , whom many believe is driving off a cliff in slow-motion - like Amy Winehouse  once did and Britney Spears is doing now - especially after he posted pictures on Instagram this week which featured him shedding a few tears while wearing a porkpie hat in lime green (which is completely unacceptable and makes him look like an infected peen polyp). But let's look closer. Is he shedding real tears or glycerin tears? Or rather, is he troubled or twat-ish? Disturbed or douchey? Tired or tweaky? Down in the dumps or dick-smacking dumb? Before you call out, "All of the above!" or "I'd only smack him with Diddy's dick 'cause he's used to it!"  let's consider another option. Dude is majorly parched.  But when h...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than all those nasty couch cushion crumbs you've yet to vacuum up, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, someone forgot to tell me that April was Clam Bumping Month™, because this week, not one, but two, female tarlets proudly announced that they're Lawrence Welk fans, if'n you get me drift. The first, Sophia Bush, a 40-ish actress formerly married to someone named Chad Michael Murray, and someone else named Grant Hughes, made headlines by announcing that her new lesbean lover is retired soccer star, Ashlyn Harris.  "Sophia Bush Hard-Launches New Relationship!" announced The Daily Beast  in a boner-shock headline that missed the ham wallet point by a mile. But whatevs. Welcome to the alphabet club, Sophia. Is Sophia thirsty? I don't think so, since she's not simultaneously promoting a new book, album, or sex toy...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a used, three-week old tea bag stuck to the floorboard next to your trashcan, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, a familiar parched face, Hollywood's darlingest scab , Drew Barrymore, who is once more here to remind us that her cute-wittle-girl routine is well past its sell-by date. To be honest, it’s been that way for a while, or ever since she began hosting her own talk show where slobbering over her guests like an over-eager puppy, crying and holding their hands became her "winsome" trademark - something she sometimes does while wearing overalls (which is unacceptable!).  Of course, most of mankind and galaxies beyond already know that Drew had a rough childhood which included drugs, more drugs, and, yes, more drugs. I feel like it's been drilled into our subconscious by now - along with Lindsay Lohan’s drunk dri...