Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Hungry Jack Mashed Potato flakes (see: Madonna's desiccated skin), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have everyone's favorite Poor Little Rich Girl Celebutart, Alyssa Milano , who posted a GoFundMe page a few months ago, soliciting funds from fans and strangers for her 12 year-old son's baseball team. Furious when her fan s expressed disbelief that she and her husband, both multimillionaires, were begging like mere poors, she defended herself by snapping back, "I've thrown birthday parties!" Well now, that sure showed them. Then she promptly took her son to see the Super Bowl in Vegas - in prime seats, the cost of which could have paid for her son's baseball team's needs at least four times over. But haters gonna hate. Alysa is all things good, as she wants us to know, so please ignore stories t

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a gnarled stick of beef jerky (see: Madonna), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, what's a little felony bankruptcy fraud worth to you? For table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member,  Teresa Giudice , it’s worth about eleven months behind bars, which is where she first took up yoga, she says, because "I just had to get my mind-space clear!" Seen above with brand new inner-tube lips and custom head transplant - created exclusively by Bobbleheads 'R' Us - Teresa has kept busy selling her branded sparkling wine called "Fabelllini," supporting Donald Trump's re-election campaign, and lately, attending Coachella, because of course she was at Coachella. And, yes, she bum-rushed every celebrity and "influencer" within spitting distance to get a selfie with them.  She s

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than your Great Auntie's chocha, so they need all the moisture they can get.  First up, we have Justin Bieber , whom many believe is driving off a cliff in slow-motion - like Amy Winehouse  once did and Britney Spears is doing now - especially after he posted pictures on Instagram this week which featured him shedding a few tears while wearing a porkpie hat in lime green (which is completely unacceptable and makes him look like an infected peen polyp). But let's look closer. Is he shedding real tears or glycerin tears? Or rather, is he troubled or twat-ish? Disturbed or douchey? Tired or tweaky? Down in the dumps or dick-smacking dumb? Before you call out, "All of the above!" or "I'd only smack him with Diddy's dick 'cause he's used to it!"  let's consider another option. Dude is majorly parched.  But when h

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than all those nasty couch cushion crumbs you've yet to vacuum up, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, someone forgot to tell me that April was Clam Bumping Month™, because this week, not one, but two, female tarlets proudly announced that they're Lawrence Welk fans, if'n you get me drift. The first, Sophia Bush, a 40-ish actress formerly married to someone named Chad Michael Murray, and someone else named Grant Hughes, made headlines by announcing that her new lesbean lover is retired soccer star, Ashlyn Harris.  "Sophia Bush Hard-Launches New Relationship!" announced The Daily Beast  in a boner-shock headline that missed the ham wallet point by a mile. But whatevs. Welcome to the alphabet club, Sophia. Is Sophia thirsty? I don't think so, since she's not simultaneously promoting a new book, album, or sex toy

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a used, three-week old tea bag stuck to the floorboard next to your trashcan, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, a familiar parched face, Hollywood's darlingest scab , Drew Barrymore, who is once more here to remind us that her cute-wittle-girl routine is well past its sell-by date. To be honest, it’s been that way for a while, or ever since she began hosting her own talk show where slobbering over her guests like an over-eager puppy, crying and holding their hands became her "winsome" trademark - something she sometimes does while wearing overalls (which is unacceptable!).  Of course, most of mankind and galaxies beyond already know that Drew had a rough childhood which included drugs, more drugs, and, yes, more drugs. I feel like it's been drilled into our subconscious by now - along with Lindsay Lohan’s drunk dri

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than OJ's crusty prostrate, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, let's talk about Matthew Perry, who's still dead, by the way, and still making headlines, which relatively young, famed, has-been drug addicts from your fledgling years are wont to do upon their demise. When Matthew kicked it, a large chunk of Gen X felt their mortality and obsessively played and re-played the "Friends" episode where he delivers the laugh line, "I guess I'll be the one who dies first!" It was hilarious at the time. Oh, so long ago. Misty, watercolored memories. If you're a little younger, he's that guy on that show without cellphones that you binged repeatedly on Netflix, playing it in the background while you texted and played Pokemon Unite, until it was yanked and put on Max which you refuse to subscribe to but wat

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than that mangy package of rice cakes you bought but never ate because they taste like cardboard, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Shakira, seen above wearing incense coils on her diminutive sparrow teets, because why not? The "Hips Don't Lie" singer who I am very tempted to call a one-hit wonder (but I won't because I'm eating dark chocolate covered mini-pretzels, so: happy) is known far and wide for a little "oopsie" tax evasion and genuinely messy relationships. Just recently, she's begun humping on Lucien Laviscount, that fine piece of British chocolate from "Emily In Paris" whom she featured in her new music video as a strapping, bare-chested centaur. Very subtle, Shakira! I hope she's riding that mythological horsey-hunk only 16 years younger than her till her hips fracture

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than that busted, six-year-old sleeve of Ritz Crackers you forgot about in the back of your kitchen cabinet, so they need all the moisture they can get. Let's start with Griffin Dunne. What is a Griffin Dunne, you may ask (especially if you're under 40)? Pull up a seat, darlin', I'll tell you. Griffin is an unattractive nepo-baby producer and sometime-actor born of  Dominick Dunne, a  celebrated author and late-in-life ghey, and Ellen, Dominick's activist/wife. His sister Dominique was tragically murdered as a teenager, which drove Dominick's later work as a true-life crime writer, most notably concerning the O.J. Simpson trial. Griffin's also the nephew of writer Joan Didion, so, yeah, despite his face, which I shall charitably describe as guinea pig-like, he managed to use his connections to star in a few decent movies in the 1