Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a forgotten cat dookie left behind the litter box, so they need all the moisture they can get.
First, behold one of many sobbing pictures recently posted to Instagram by Jennifer Garner, who wants everyone to know that she's down-in-the-dumpity-doo. "Why?" you ask. "Does it matter?" I answer. In other words, isn't it enough that she's sharing her chopping onions face with all of us commoners and poors? But then with Jennifer, never doubt her stealth agenda, since she's made a very lucrative second career out of being The Good Mom who routinely alerts the paps when she's walking her kids to school and posts videos of herself cleaning her cat's butt, all while telling People Magazine, "My favorite role is mommy! I make sure everyone has a note in their lunch box every day!"
Never mind that she's been craftily monetizing her mommyness for years - which includes her pricey line of organic baby food, "Once Upon A Farm," valued at over 100 million; her wholesome and momsy Capitol One adverts, for which she’s paid a cool 20 million annually; and her unending string of mom-friendly Netflix movies, such as "Mrs. Claus" - because there's nothing to see here and you're just being anti-mom and hateful for thinking otherwise. Never will you ever hear Jennifer complain about looking after her and Ben Affleck's children, because she's made of apple juice and sunshine, and so what if she trots those same children out for the paparazzo on the regular? She's a working mom. What is she supposed to do? Not leak her schedule to PageSix? You seem really mean! Do you hate your mom? By golly, it sure sounds like you do.
This week was a special milestone for Jennifer and for all moms everywhere - because Jennifer is just that relatable and real and common, but with a net worth of $88 million. See, Jennifer was in tears because her and Ben's daughter graduated from high school. Jennifer cried and cried and took multiple pictures of herself doing so - before, during, and after the ceremony - but wait, or record-scratch, as they say. Where was Ben? Not in any of the pictures, and apparently, not at the ceremony, either, which is kind crappy - but wait, or record-scratch, as they say. At least Jennifer was there. Team Mom! And message received: Jennifer will always be there for her kids no matter what cheap 'n' leaky slag Ben is currently banging and by that she totally means Jennifer Lopez. "I'm so with you!" wrote Gwyneth Paltrow on one of Jennifer's sobbing posts. "Oh, honey, I know!" wrote Reese Witherspoon. No word on whether or not Jennifer's string of sobbing mom posts will inspire yet another one of her new Netflix mommy movies, but let's hope so, since it seems "America's Favorite Mom" (actual People headline) is perpetually dehydrated.
The verdict is in: Jennifer is thirsty!
Next up, we have Jessica Biel, also known as Justin Timberlake's Trad Wife. I kid, I kid (or do I?). Posed above while giving us her best "I'm a Cool Mom" look, Jessica made a dramatic, earth-shattering announcement this week. She cut her hair. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, what a wonder that the planets do not cease to spin, but it's true - and I know it's true because she posted all about it on her Instagram page with before, during, and after pics. But then Jessica is a mom, which means she's always caring and sharing, like that time she met with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. to lobby against mandatory vaccinations for children attending public schools. But don't you dare call her an anti-vaxxer - she considers that a slur! - since moms like her should be able to make their own "educated decisions" about very easily preventable childhood illnesses currently ravaging the nation, like measles and the mumps. Obvi! That's how moms roll, and if you argue otherwise, I have to ask: Do you hate your mom? By golly, it sure sounds like you do.
"Brought back the fuck ass bob!" is what Jessica wrote to the accompanying pictures of her new do (I'm not joking), and the smartypants amongst you will recognize this as a darling nod to Justin's song, "Sexyback." Justin responded to her post with a fire emoji, so he either loves it or wants to set her on fire. Some may regard Jessica's radical hair change as a precursor to her breaking-up with Justin, but remember, even though she's said many times that her marriage to Justin is "challenging," she hasn't yet said that he's ever encouraged her to have an abortion, nor has he ever written a diss-track about her being a cheating whorey-whore. Conversely, she hasn't called him a money-losing talent-free twat given his latest album's conspicuous nosedive on the charts, along with the sudden cancellation of tour dates for his ongoing "Forget Tomorrow" tour since aged-out former fans from the early 2000s have, as a matter of fact, forgotten yesterday, or namely him.
But back to that fuck ass bob. Some cultures say cutting your hair short is a "trauma response," while others consider it a natural step for moms tired of caring for long hair since they barely have time to sleep, much less wash all that crusted baby vom out of their long, wavy, waist-length tendrils. Ain't nobody got time for that, amirite? Relatable! Still others look at Jessica's fuck ass bob and see "Karen," and maybe that's not fair, but if the anti-vaxx wife of a perpetually cheating spouse shoe fits, then the Sketchers Go-Walk slip on mom shoe fits. Wear them with pride, Jessica! Stand by your man! And the next time you get your nails done in a nice, short, manageably round mom shape, please post before, during, and after pics on Instagram. Make fuck ass nails happen.
The verdict is in: Jessica is thirsty!
Lastly, we have an old picture of Ben Affleck. Or is it a picture of things to come? It might be, because in addition to getting two pizzas with all the fixings delivered to his temporary, $100,000.00 a month, Jennifer Lopez-free rental mansion just yesterday afternoon, Ben has also been testing the waters this week in terms of what a post-Jennifer life might look like, or more to the point, testing how he might properly blame the failed marriage on Jennifer - and Jennifer only. When they were first together and engaged in the early 2000s - oh, so long ago - Ben blamed their break up on the paparazzo and the public's pushy, oogling fascination with their differences. "I think it has to do with race and class, the fact that I'm white and she's Puerto Rican," he opined. This assessment was big news, of course, since everybody else just thought they were exhausting.
But now, Ben has to come up with something new, and since he can't again blame it on Jennifer for being Puerto Rican, or blame it on America's Mom, Jennifer Garner, whom he married shortly after Jen 'n' Ben Part Une, and since he can't, God forbid, blame himself - even though his shameless, Pay-Attention-To-Me press shenanigans with Ana de Armas were remarkably similarly to both Jen 'n' Ben Part Une and Jen 'n' Ben Part Deux - he now has no other choice but to blame it on Jennifer's pussy. “If there was a way to divorce on grounds of temporary insanity, he would,” a supposed insider (Hi, Ben!) said to the press this week, the "insanity" being code for Ben's state-of-mind when he was bushwhacked by Jenn's juicy Puerto Rican poon. It's been a "fever dream," Ben goes on to say, "and he’s come to his senses now and understands there is just no way this is going to work.” Translation: he's had enough of Jennifer's magical cock sock and wants out.
Relatable, right? Who hasn't fallen hard for peen or puss, only to realize that they're actually connected to thinking, breathing, biological beings, who, in Jennifer's case, also have a chronic case of CameraUpMyAss-itis? Lost in the shuffle? The kids from Jennifer's and Ben's previous marriages. Luckily, some of them are being cared for by America's Mom, or as Ben refers to her, The Other Jennifer, White Meat Edition. Strangely, Jennifer's press-shy mother Guadalupe, has yet to make her own feelings known about her daughter's pending divorce, and Jennifer herself has been equally silent, perhaps plotting her own Blame-Ben escape hatch. And Ben? Just last month, he called Jennifer "The greatest performer in the history of the world!" From "The greatest performer" to "Pussy so good I lost my mind!" in just a few short weeks. It's quite a turnaround, but then when you're that parched for the public's approval post-divorce, anything goes.
The verdict is in: Ben is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
Photo Credits: Jennifer Garner/Instagram; Jessica Biel/Instagram; Backgrid
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