WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Jennifer Lopez And Her Madre? Or Lukas Gage? Or Lady Gaga?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are so dry, they're fossilized, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, we have Jennifer Lopez, a perennial thirst-hor, of course, but today, we get the added bonus of her mother, Guadalupe, who's best looked upon as a discount Dina Lohan, or just a notch or two above Bradley Cooper's mom, Gloria Capano, on the look at meeeee scale. Guadalupe, as you'll recall, let it be known far and wide during Jen 'n Ben, The Original Recipe™ that she adored Ben, especially his drinking and gambling, because she liked drinking and gambling, too - and she loved getting papped while doing so. When Jen 'n Ben split up, Guadalupe sorely wished for them to reunite. She didn't say this to Jennifer's face, of course, but to the press. "This is the first I'm hearing about it," responded Jennifer in a genuinely surprised moment when a reporter asked her about Guadalupe's hopes for Jen 'n Ben 2.0 only weeks after they broke up.

Luckily, Guadalupe got her wish, and in time, I'm sure we'll see a disheveled Ben 'n Guadalupe giggling, slumped behind a Dumpster and passing a bottle of Wild Turkey back and forth. But until then, the present day is filled with problems. Not with Guadalupe, silly, but with Jennifer's new album - called "This and That" or "Dumb and Dumberer" or "Honeymoon with Autotune" or something - which has very conspicuously tanked, according to our Few Words, along with her concert sales. What's a gal to do to drum up business and satisfy the thirst? Blame mom, of course! Everyone does it in therapy, right? 

This week, Jennifer did just that, confessing to the world that she did not receive enough love as a child...because Guadalupe was a narcissist. Le gasp. This was revealed in her just-dropped documentary, "The Greatest Love Story Never Told" (not to be confused with "This Is Me...Now: A Love Story," which already dropped) (who can keep track?). Jennifer goes on to note that she was ignored in her family because she "wasn't the oldest (or) the youngest, I was in the middle." Besides, Guadalupe had no time for Jenny since she was so busy being "the life of the party." This, Jennifer says while batting back tears (I'm not kidding), explains her own work-ethic, since she's long believed that by working hard she'll finally be noticed. Guadalupe hasn't commented on this yet, but she's getting the attention she wants - and so is Jennifer. Maybe now they'll both be noticed. 

The verdict is in: Guadalupe and Jennifer are thirsty!

Remember Lukas Gage? He was that nice guy struggling actor who got shamed during a Zoom audition by a sleazy Hollywood producer who said that Lukas' apartment looked cheap and chintzy. Everyone rallied behind poor Lukas - and really, for a struggling actor, his apartment looked just fine. Luckily, fame found Lukas shortly after when Murray Bartlett tongue-whipped his ass in the first season of "White Lotus." Good for him, his fans proclaimed. From cheap and chintzy to Daddy Bartlett eating out his culo, and on premium cable to boot. It's the American dream! 

But faster than you can cock sneeze on Lukas' face, it turned into an American nightmare. In half a wink, Lukas married some uber-thirsty hairdresser whose turtleshell six-pack looked like it was achieved with liposculpture (or Abdominal Etching, for those in the know). Even worse, they were married in an overblown Vegas ceremony officiated by the hairdresser's main client, Kim Kardashian. I know. From a nice guy to a dried up cum rag left out in the sun. They divorced two seconds later, and now Lukas is letting everyone know - why is the press reporting this? - that he's eager to bone something named Archie Madekwe (the token Black twink from "Saltburn," a movie I never want to hear about again). Then a few days later, he clarified that he's actually not dating Archie. "I'm dating myself!" he squealed, which makes sense. Lukas is so dehydrated these days that he's tossing his own salad. 

The verdict is in: Lukas is thirsty!

Finally, Lady Gaga, who recently posted about National Women's Day on her socials, along with a picture of herself and trans activist Dylan Mulvaney. That, at face value, is not news, but this is Gaga, the Queen of wringing her fans dry of moisture and courting feeble controversy. She knew exactly what she was doing by posting on Women's Day with Dylan, or the same Dylan who recently made MAGAs' heads explode nationwide when she quite innocently posed in a Bud Light advert. Yes, Gaga used Dylan - shamelessly, I might add - to quench her own bone dry puss. 

But then this is the same Gaga who'll do anything to get attention, including, of course, ripping off entire looks and even music riffs from other artists like Grace Jones, Bowie, Madonna and countless more. Hell, she'll even pose aside club goers in Black face at a "jokey" slave auction if she thinks anyone will look. And she's long co-opted Madonna's LGBTQ+ activism, perhaps noting how much attention Madonna received as one of the few celebutarts in the late-80s and 90s to raise money to fight AIDS. After posting about Women's Day, Gaga put up yet another post, because, predictably, the haters littered the first one with ugly anti-trans comments - which is exactly what she was counting on. 

"It's appalling to me," she wrote, "that a post about National Women's Day with Dylan Mulvaney and me would be met with such vitriol and hatred!" Trick, please. You wrote that second post before posting the first. And Dylan, sweetheart, run - as fast as you can. Gaga may say she's Mother Monster (which sounds all cute and funzi), but she's really like Mother Guadalupe. Narcissistic. Determined to be the "life of the party." And somewhere making little Jenny cry. 

The verdict is in: Lady Gaga is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits: LA Times/Getty Images; HBO; Lady Gaga/Instagram