Peckerwood Manor

  Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Darkside! § It's happening! Pull out the  Kleenex, fire up the Adele and defrost that 64 ounce tub of Haagen-Dazs you've been keeping special, because the  "True Love Is Dead" monument just received another brick in the mausoleum wall. Jennifer Lopez-Noa-Judd-(Almost Affleck)-Anthony-(Almost Rodriguez)-(Finally Affleck) and her husband, Ben Affleck-Damon-Garner-Lopez (nee Dunkin Donuts Coffee, his real true love) announced that after a little over two years, they've decided their marriage just won't hunt and are taking it to Kristi Noem's gravel pit for a shotgun blast to the head. It's the second divorce for him and her fourth. Two more gems and her Divorce-a-Me Gauntlet will be complete! And, yes, Jennifer went there first, filing her legal documents and suchlike today. Allegedly there's no prenup,

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Glen Powell's  look-at-me lumpy cum gutters, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, a nepo half-sibling with no discernible talent except for hitching his wagon to his famous half-sister's ratchet ponytail. Yes, I speak of Frankie Grande , the professional gay who has every gay whipping out their vellum fans, aerating their nipples and huffily intoning, "We don't know her." The straights don't know him, either, but ever since outing himself as the hungriest of attention hors on 2012's "Big Brother 16," in which he proclaimed himself a "social media mogul," made racist comments about Black contestant Devin Shepherd and said, "Lesbians choose to be gay, while men do not," Frankie's been scratching and crawling and guzzling anything within reach to quench his desperate thirst.

The end is near. But how near, exactly?  It hasn't even been a full year since these two walking thirst hors got married for the second time. Why? Because Jennifer still hasn't learned a lesson from her better, Elizabeth Taylor: you don't marry a galumphing former addict nincompoop like Larry Fortensy more than once. Oh, and if that marriage doesn't happen with Michael Jackson and Bubbles at Neverland Ranch, why even bother? Both of them: amateurs! Here's where your part comes in. Please guess how long it will take for the two of them to publicly announce their divorce (not to actually be divorced legally, since that could take much longer). Choose from the following. Ben 'n' Jen will publicly announce their second divorce in: a) Two Weeks or Less (from 6/3/2024)  b) Six Weeks or Less c) 3 Months d) Six Months e) A Year f) Pick an EXACT DATE g) Never The winner, in order of comment date and winning vote, will be given a special prize. I don't now what

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are so dry, they're fossilized, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Jennifer Lopez, a perennial thirst-hor, of course, but today, we get the added bonus of her mother, Guadalupe, who's best looked upon as a discount Dina Lohan, or just a notch or two above Bradley Cooper's mom,  Gloria Capano , on the look at meeeee scale. Guadalupe, as you'll recall, let it be known far and wide during Jen 'n Ben, The Original Recipe™ that she adored Ben, especially his drinking and gambling, because she liked drinking and gambling, too - and she loved getting papped while doing so. When Jen 'n Ben split up, Guadalupe sorely wished for them to reunite. She didn't say this to Jennifer's face, of course, but to the press. "This is the first I'm hearing about it," responded Jennifer in a genuinely surprised moment

Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are particularly embalmed and in need of moisture.  First, we have Tori Spelling, so go ahead, cue the "Tori" gags, i.e. "SupposiTORI" and "Sob sTori" and "Barely AmbulaTORI," etc. Now that we've got that out of the way, brace yourselves, because the press are once more delivering urgent missives (fed to them by Tori). And, yes, I eagerly read them all, 'cause she's the low-hanging, Tupperware-tittied Dumpster fire I've long adored and I shan't apologize for it.  This never-ending slop-tart saga seemed to reach a nadir when Tori packed up her chirruns and left sleazy, money-grubbing Deaner.  But lo, Tori's opus continued to offer delirious twists and turns. This included an extended stay with her crotch-droppings at a mangy RV park, then at several dilapidated, $100-a-week roadside hotels. And this was after tox

Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" We've got three nearly-mummified candidates positively begging for moisture, so let's dive right in, shall we?  First up, we have Jon Stewart - giving his best "aw, shucks" look above - who must have been feeling extra-parched these past few years, since everything he did seemed to tank. There was his HBO animated series which HBO sadly dumped before it went on the air; a comedy tour with his good buddy Dave Chappelle which was sadly deemed "disappointing;" a movie he directed called "Irresistible" which critics sadly pronounced "lame brained" and "insulting;" and his Apple TV show, which, yes, sadly, nobody watched and was only recently cancelled (since, whoopsie, Apple didn't want him to go anywhere near touchy subjects like China because that's where their iPhones are assembled). What's a fallen Bro Idol to do? Especiall

Welcome, my chickens, to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, perennially-parched stunt queen, Beyonce, who last Sunday gave everyone a confusing case of "Harpo, who's that new Kardashian and why is she wearing a tiny metal heart on her cha-cha hole?" when she dropped a commercial and two new songs during the Super Bowl for her forthcoming country album. Yes, you read that right, "country," the last bastion of greedy pop stars hoping to find a new revenue stream besides this . It worked out so well for Justin Timberlake  and Steven Tyler . Yippee ay yee!  When she inserted herself into TaylorBowl, many wondered if Beyonce was showing her "Look at meeeeee!" jellyness. Others asked if she was stealing the spotlight from Usher's halftime show and his own forthcoming album. The answer is a joyous, "Yes, to all of this!" And when you scorch that much earth, boy, do you need moisture. And since someone on Bey