WHO’S THIS WEEKS THIRSTIEST HO? Is it Tori Spelling? Ben Affleck? Or Martha Stewart’s Panties?
Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are particularly embalmed and in need of moisture.
First, we have Tori Spelling, so go ahead, cue the "Tori" gags, i.e. "SupposiTORI" and "Sob sTori" and "Barely AmbulaTORI," etc. Now that we've got that out of the way, brace yourselves, because the press are once more delivering urgent missives (fed to them by Tori). And, yes, I eagerly read them all, 'cause she's the low-hanging, Tupperware-tittied Dumpster fire I've long adored and I shan't apologize for it.
This never-ending slop-tart saga seemed to reach a nadir when Tori packed up her chirruns and left sleazy, money-grubbing Deaner. But lo, Tori's opus continued to offer delirious twists and turns. This included an extended stay with her crotch-droppings at a mangy RV park, then at several dilapidated, $100-a-week roadside hotels. And this was after toxic mold drove her from her swanky Hidden Hills house. No word yet on whether that toxic mold was coming from Tori - "The call is coming from inside the house Tori's saggy store-bought chichis!" - but she was clearly in trubs and low on cash.
Luckily, things have turned around for our Little Girl Lost Up Her Own Sphincter, because in the latest press headlines this week (fed to reporters by Tori) (obvi), we've learned that she has a brand new home - and this ain't some tin can RV or no-tell-motel. It's a whopping $15,000-a-month, five bedroom, 3,000-square-foot house with a pristine new pool and spa in the San Fernando Valley, home to fellow thirst hors, Jennifer Lopez (her gargantuan mansion is "eco-friendly!" we're breathlessly told), Denise Richards, George Clooney and fellow Tupperware-titted galpal, Kylie Jenner. Neighbors, they're just like her!
But let's read between the lines, shall we? I posit this: we're not the primary audience for this latest story, but merely one. The other is Dean - stay with me here - in a maneuver surely orchestrated and paid for by Tori's mother Candy, whose loathing for Dean and his rank yearning for the Spelling's billions is well known. It's thirst trap for us, and also a firm bitch-slap to Dean courtesy of Candy and Tori, complete with glowing pictures, helpfully released to the press, of Tori lounging poolside behind her spacious new abode. "I'm Aaron Spelling's daughter," she once said. "I know how to spin a yarn." Keep spinning, Tori, you're not wet yet.
The verdict is in: Tori is thirsty!
Speaking of not yet wet, is there anyone thirstier than our next subject? Psych! I speak not of Jennifer Lopez, but of Ben Affleck, her demure, press shy husband. Cue the tire screeches! Ben? Press shy? That’s what he’s saying now. No, really. I’m so confused, aren’t you? I may even be kerflummoxed. Is this the same Ben who's been splashed across more magazine covers throughout the decades than I care to count, with headlines like, "Ben Tells All About Romance With Gwyneth!" and "Big Ben Bellies Up To Stardom!" and "Ben is Armageddon's Rocket Man!" while going on endless pap walks with Ana de Armas, Jennifer Garner and Lindsay Shookus (You: "Shook who?" Me: "I know, right?")
And really, who can forget, as much as we want to, his whirlwind romance with Lopez the first time around in which he willingly - willingly! - appeared in her 2002 "Jenny From The Block" video (hilarious sample lyrics: "I stay grounded! I've really been on Oprah! That's just me!")? You know the one I'm talking about, where he mauls her fatty-back log cutter on a yacht. Again, he did this willingly. This is press shy?
Yet here we are, with the stunning news this week in which Ben states, presumably with a straight face regarding his 2nd go round with Lopez: "One of the things I don't want is a social media relationship." Screaming Jesus on a ferris wheel that's funny. His entire career has been about opening up his quacker, and, oh, yes, making his own movies like "Argo" (in which he played a true-life Latino) (I'm not kidding). Ben went on to say that he later realized his press shy routine wasn't going to work with Lopez Part Deux, since that would be like "marrying a boat captain and being afraid of water." Superbly moist metaphor, Ben! "We're learning to compromise," he added, which means that they're both quite eager to soak in it as long as possible.
The verdict is in: Ben is thirsty!
Lastly, we have Martha Stewart, seen above as the victim of a very poorly-aimed bukkake sesh - the face and bewbs, not the hair, you dingdongs! - who is no stranger to being thirsty, and damn, she's grown a lot more droughty since entering her 80s. Currently in her Get Down With Memaw™ phase, she's posted numerous Instagram thirst traps which feature her jiggly, well-hoisted nipple cakes, her patented come-hither glances, and, yes, her full pouty lips which promise a hot 'n sloppy bj behind the Werther's aisle at CVS (look the other way, BaconSlut!). She's the horned up GILF - well, not "I," personally - we seemingly all deserve or want. Or maybe she's simply being foisted upon us like grocery store sticker shock prices. You want how much for Chunky Monkey? Either way, she's in it to win it. Personally, I can't wait to see what she does with crutch tips.
Which brings us to her latest craving for moisture. This week, she coquettishly announced that she does not wear panties and never has. Is this late-stage Zipless Fuck-ism? Au contraire, you rube. After whetting our appetite with this reveal - although whose appetite are we really talking about here (don't answer that!)? - she goes on to say that she's always worn her bathing suit under her clothes, since she wants to be ready to take a dip in her pool anytime of the day.
She further adds that ladies cotton underwear is nasty and a playground for vaginal yeast, fungi and bacteria, forgetting, apparently, that ladies undies are also available in nylon, just like bathing suits. But whatever. Martha gets to headline articles about not wearing panties and peepaws everywhere get to splooge because they can't read past the headline without a magnifying glass. She also gets to hang with Snoop Dog, who recently announced that he has "nothing but respect and love" for Trump. Let's not dwell on that, and for that matter, let's not dwell on Martha's free-range vage.
The verdict is in: Martha is thirsty!
Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutions, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.
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