Peckerwood Manor

  Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Darkside! § It's happening! Pull out the  Kleenex, fire up the Adele and defrost that 64 ounce tub of Haagen-Dazs you've been keeping special, because the  "True Love Is Dead" monument just received another brick in the mausoleum wall. Jennifer Lopez-Noa-Judd-(Almost Affleck)-Anthony-(Almost Rodriguez)-(Finally Affleck) and her husband, Ben Affleck-Damon-Garner-Lopez (nee Dunkin Donuts Coffee, his real true love) announced that after a little over two years, they've decided their marriage just won't hunt and are taking it to Kristi Noem's gravel pit for a shotgun blast to the head. It's the second divorce for him and her fourth. Two more gems and her Divorce-a-Me Gauntlet will be complete! And, yes, Jennifer went there first, filing her legal documents and suchlike today. Allegedly there's no prenup,...

The end is near. But how near, exactly?  It hasn't even been a full year since these two walking thirst hors got married for the second time. Why? Because Jennifer still hasn't learned a lesson from her better, Elizabeth Taylor: you don't marry a galumphing former addict nincompoop like Larry Fortensy more than once. Oh, and if that marriage doesn't happen with Michael Jackson and Bubbles at Neverland Ranch, why even bother? Both of them: amateurs! Here's where your part comes in. Please guess how long it will take for the two of them to publicly announce their divorce (not to actually be divorced legally, since that could take much longer). Choose from the following. Ben 'n' Jen will publicly announce their second divorce in: a) Two Weeks or Less (from 6/3/2024)  b) Six Weeks or Less c) 3 Months d) Six Months e) A Year f) Pick an EXACT DATE g) Never The winner, in order of comment date and winning vote, will be given a special prize. I don't now what ...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a forgotten cat dookie left behind the litter box,  so they need all the moisture they can get. First, behold one of many sobbing pictures recently posted to Instagram by Jennifer Garner , who   wants everyone to know that she's down-in-the-dumpity-doo. "Why?" you ask. "Does it matter?" I answer. In other words, isn't it enough that she's sharing her chopping onions face with all of us commoners and poors? But then with Jennifer, never doubt her stealth agenda, since she's made a very lucrative second career out of being The Good Mom who routinely alerts the paps when she's walking her kids to school and posts videos of herself cleaning her cat's butt, all while telling  People Magazine , "My favorite role is mommy! I make sure everyone has a note in their lunch box every day!"  Never mind that she...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are so dry, they're fossilized, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Jennifer Lopez, a perennial thirst-hor, of course, but today, we get the added bonus of her mother, Guadalupe, who's best looked upon as a discount Dina Lohan, or just a notch or two above Bradley Cooper's mom,  Gloria Capano , on the look at meeeee scale. Guadalupe, as you'll recall, let it be known far and wide during Jen 'n Ben, The Original Recipe™ that she adored Ben, especially his drinking and gambling, because she liked drinking and gambling, too - and she loved getting papped while doing so. When Jen 'n Ben split up, Guadalupe sorely wished for them to reunite. She didn't say this to Jennifer's face, of course, but to the press. "This is the first I'm hearing about it," responded Jennifer in a genuinely surprised moment...

Welcome, sloots, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are particularly embalmed and in need of moisture.  First, we have Tori Spelling, so go ahead, cue the "Tori" gags, i.e. "SupposiTORI" and "Sob sTori" and "Barely AmbulaTORI," etc. Now that we've got that out of the way, brace yourselves, because the press are once more delivering urgent missives (fed to them by Tori). And, yes, I eagerly read them all, 'cause she's the low-hanging, Tupperware-tittied Dumpster fire I've long adored and I shan't apologize for it.  This never-ending slop-tart saga seemed to reach a nadir when Tori packed up her chirruns and left sleazy, money-grubbing Deaner.  But lo, Tori's opus continued to offer delirious twists and turns. This included an extended stay with her crotch-droppings at a mangy RV park, then at several dilapidated, $100-a-week roadside hotels. And this was after tox...

Are stars "just like us?" Are actors their roles? And are they consistently playing out their own psycho-dramas on screen and in public? In the case of Charlize Theron, it's a fair question to ask. Or put it this way: throughout the years, there may be a reason we haven't seen her playing any of those cute, funny-bunny leading lady roles like Jennifer Lopez or Cameron Diaz (not that there's anything wrong with that), with the exception of a few "pretty girl" roles early in her career in forgettable movies like "Trial and Error" and "Sweet November."  First coming to critical notice in "Monster," in which she obliterated her "pretty girl" looks with weight gain and no make-up in order to portray true-life serial killer, Aileen Wuornos, for which she won a Best Actress Oscar, Charlize has become Hollywood's go-to actress for kicking ass - particularly male ass - either literally, or, in the case of "Bombshel...