"It's Official! Bennifer Is Over!" By Darkside!

By


 
Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Darkside!

§


It's happening! Pull out the Kleenex, fire up the Adele and defrost that 64 ounce tub of Haagen-Dazs you've been keeping special, because the "True Love Is Dead" monument just received another brick in the mausoleum wall. Jennifer Lopez-Noa-Judd-(Almost Affleck)-Anthony-(Almost Rodriguez)-(Finally Affleck) and her husband, Ben Affleck-Damon-Garner-Lopez (nee Dunkin Donuts Coffee, his real true love) announced that after a little over two years, they've decided their marriage just won't hunt and are taking it to Kristi Noem's gravel pit for a shotgun blast to the head. It's the second divorce for him and her fourth. Two more gems and her Divorce-a-Me Gauntlet will be complete! And, yes, Jennifer went there first, filing her legal documents and suchlike today. Allegedly there's no prenup, so those hoping for an "I love mess!" situation may get their wish. 

For some, the decision for the two to them to flush their marriage comes as a shock, as the relationship was seen as a modern Hollywood fairy tale...Straight Outta Hallmark! After a brief, but very public, fling as "Bennifer" in the early 2000s that resulted in no marriage, but endless tabloid attention, plus two epically terrible movies, and a cringe-y "Jenny From The Block" video, the two parted ways - only to reunite and rekindle the relationship in early 2021, marrying a year later. A pair of lovers drifting apart and reuniting decades later when they're both older, wiser, and more mature? That has "tear-stained love confessions delivered in an immaculately decorated Nancy Meyers kitchen" written all over it. The Edison lamps and Le Creuset cookware were already being delivered.

For others, however, the only shock was that they reunited in the first place, or were even together at all, as they were seen as an unbelievably mismatched couple. J.Lo embodies the Type-A workaholic hustle culture mindset every regional middle manager on LinkedIn refuses to shut the hell up about... acting, singing, producing, and launching a laundry list of products ranging from booze to skincare to her famous clothing and perfume lines. Ben, by contrast is...a mess. It was probably more shocking that she was able to tolerate being in his presence for any length of time: "We've been sitting here 15 whole minutes and you haven't launched a single new product line! Get out of my sight!"

I still firmly believe the only reason they ever drifted back into each other's orbit was a desire for Jennifer to settle her score. Ben existed as "the one that got away" for nearly twenty years. Even as he stumbled through his own relationship woes with Jennifer Garner and dances with infidelity, rehab, and horrible tattoo choices, Lopez likely still saw him slipping through her fingers the first time as a black mark on her dating history, one she wanted to erase. Once she fixed her record, much like Blanche and Ham Lushbough, it was only inevitable she would toss him out the door with a "Beat it, Tubbo."


So pour out a Delola Spritz Bella Berry Vodka Cocktail...


...to Bennifer 2.0 and lament the end of "Twu Wuv" as we know it. 

Photo Credits: Jennifer Lopez/Instagram; NBC; DelolaLife

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peckerwood Manor's ELECTION PANIC-A-GOGO!

By
Image
It's happening right now! This is place to scream about the election; to vent, to rejoice, to grumble, then scream again. I swear, your throat will feel like sandpaper once this day is done. Have you voted yet? Are you in line? Post pictures! Is your heart skipping beats? Do you fear for the future? Of course you do! But crucially, do you have enough booze and pills to get through this? What, exactly, are you taking or drinking? We want to know. And what are you eating? Are you a sugar or salt whore? We want to know that, too.  Leave those who'd rather not discuss such matters to our special Election-Free Open Post , since today, for one day only, we're gettin' real and gettin' dirty  in our own gasping, shrieking, blood-soaked election post. Hold tight.   
Read more

OPEN POST: We Will Survive!

By
Image
Rise up, my chickens. We're all worth fighting for.  It won't be easy, it won't be fun, but through the long dark of night and on to a new day, it will surely be worth it. We don't regularly refer to politics in our Open Posts, but today, I think it's worth noting that many of us got through eight long years of Ronald Reagan - and it was a nightmare, and for many of my contemporaries, deadly. But here we are, we're still standing. We'll get through this, too, I promise.  What does this mean in the short-term? Tears, fury, booze, pills, or weed, of course. You have my permission - not that you need it - to comfort yourself however you like for the rest of the week. But come Monday, all bets are off. Bitches won't even see us coming. 
Read more

OPEN POST: Monday Music At The Manor With DJ Li'l Scratch!

By
Image
Are you freaking out about the election tomorrow? Me, too. Or maybe you're having a more generalized "It's Monday, oh-my-fucking-gawd" freak out? In either case, please allow Peckerwood Manor's esteemed DJ Li'l Scratch to take you away. Many of you already know about Li'l Scratch, as he regularly lays tracks at "Heavy D's," the Manor's exclusive after-hours club.  Today he's spinning Teri Thornton, a vibrant, husky-voiced jazz singer and piano player who hailed from Detroit. In 1961, she exploded onto the scene with her debut LP, "Devil May Care," demonstrating show-stopping vocal prowess. The reviews were through the roof and so was the public reception, yet just as suddenly - poof - she vanished after a few more LPs, her career thwarted by market changes given the rise of rock 'n' roll. And that was that. She was all but forgotten, reduced to driving a taxi to make ends meet.  But in a jaw-dropping comeback, she re
Read more