"It's Official! Bennifer Is Over!" By Darkside!

 
Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Darkside!

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It's happening! Pull out the Kleenex, fire up the Adele and defrost that 64 ounce tub of Haagen-Dazs you've been keeping special, because the "True Love Is Dead" monument just received another brick in the mausoleum wall. Jennifer Lopez-Noa-Judd-(Almost Affleck)-Anthony-(Almost Rodriguez)-(Finally Affleck) and her husband, Ben Affleck-Damon-Garner-Lopez (nee Dunkin Donuts Coffee, his real true love) announced that after a little over two years, they've decided their marriage just won't hunt and are taking it to Kristi Noem's gravel pit for a shotgun blast to the head. It's the second divorce for him and her fourth. Two more gems and her Divorce-a-Me Gauntlet will be complete! And, yes, Jennifer went there first, filing her legal documents and suchlike today. Allegedly there's no prenup, so those hoping for an "I love mess!" situation may get their wish. 

For some, the decision for the two to them to flush their marriage comes as a shock, as the relationship was seen as a modern Hollywood fairy tale...Straight Outta Hallmark! After a brief, but very public, fling as "Bennifer" in the early 2000s that resulted in no marriage, but endless tabloid attention, plus two epically terrible movies, and a cringe-y "Jenny From The Block" video, the two parted ways - only to reunite and rekindle the relationship in early 2021, marrying a year later. A pair of lovers drifting apart and reuniting decades later when they're both older, wiser, and more mature? That has "tear-stained love confessions delivered in an immaculately decorated Nancy Meyers kitchen" written all over it. The Edison lamps and Le Creuset cookware were already being delivered.

For others, however, the only shock was that they reunited in the first place, or were even together at all, as they were seen as an unbelievably mismatched couple. J.Lo embodies the Type-A workaholic hustle culture mindset every regional middle manager on LinkedIn refuses to shut the hell up about... acting, singing, producing, and launching a laundry list of products ranging from booze to skincare to her famous clothing and perfume lines. Ben, by contrast is...a mess. It was probably more shocking that she was able to tolerate being in his presence for any length of time: "We've been sitting here 15 whole minutes and you haven't launched a single new product line! Get out of my sight!"

I still firmly believe the only reason they ever drifted back into each other's orbit was a desire for Jennifer to settle her score. Ben existed as "the one that got away" for nearly twenty years. Even as he stumbled through his own relationship woes with Jennifer Garner and dances with infidelity, rehab, and horrible tattoo choices, Lopez likely still saw him slipping through her fingers the first time as a black mark on her dating history, one she wanted to erase. Once she fixed her record, much like Blanche and Ham Lushbough, it was only inevitable she would toss him out the door with a "Beat it, Tubbo."

So pour out a Delola Spritz Bella Berry Vodka Cocktail...

...to Bennifer 2.0 and lament the end of "Twu Wuv" as we know it. 

Photo Credits: Jennifer Lopez/Instagram; NBC; DelolaLife