WHO'S THE THIRSTIEST HO? Is it Beyonce? Or Jennifer Lopez? Or The King's Cancer?

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Welcome, my chickens, to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, perennially-parched stunt queen, Beyonce, who last Sunday gave everyone a confusing case of "Harpo, who's that new Kardashian and why is she wearing a tiny metal heart on her cha-cha hole?" when she dropped a commercial and two new songs during the Super Bowl for her forthcoming country album. Yes, you read that right, "country," the last bastion of greedy pop stars hoping to find a new revenue stream besides this. It worked out so well for Justin Timberlake and Steven Tyler. Yippee ay yee! 

When she inserted herself into TaylorBowl, many wondered if Beyonce was showing her "Look at meeeeee!" jellyness. Others asked if she was stealing the spotlight from Usher's halftime show and his own forthcoming album. The answer is a joyous, "Yes, to all of this!" And when you scorch that much earth, boy, do you need moisture. And since someone on Beyonce's team said, "You told everyone that you were singing House music in tribute to your dead gay Uncle for your last album and it worked so let's find another dead relative of yours who was into country," here we are. But don't you dare count Miss Bey out. Even though some country music stations initially refused to play her new songs - gee, I wonder why? - they're already charting bigly, which means the buzzing Beyhive is keeping that Knowles-Carter holy donation plate pinging with coins.

The verdict is in: Beyonce is thirsty!

For our next candidate, we're going to need several fire hoses going at full blast, because Jennifer Lopez needs deep irrigation. Have you heard? Jennifer has a new movie out, and a new album, too, both entitled "This is Me...Now!" The movie itself sounds like a doozy. It features stars as varied as Jane Fonda and Post Malone as "Zodialogical Guides" who advise Jennifer from inside her "Mind Palace," a place I'll venture to guess is as big and bloated as the most gaseous planet in our solar system. This is beyond narcissism, beyond self-congratulatory. Any more of this nonsense and she'll be disappearing up her own asshole. 

But that's not enough for Jennifer, who takes her thirst game seriously. Regarding her "This Is Me...Now!" album, she just announced, "This may be my last album ever!" This stunning revelation surely made her fans quiver. If she does make another album, I truly hope we get lyrics like this ditty from her latest single: "The is me now. Love me as I am! I love who I am. I do it for myself!" At last chronic fappers have a theme song. Jill that juice-wallet, Jennifer - but do it public, do it on camera. It's the only way you'll really get wet. 

The verdict is in: Jennifer is thirsty!

Cancer sucks. But can it also be thirsty? Why, yes, it can, but only if it latches onto the perennially freeze-dried. King Charles, pictured above showing off his swoon-worthy British Teefs™, recently announced that he has cancer. Condolences. I wish this on no one. But this announcement wasn't enough for Chuckles, who for years moped about by mummy's side, hoping that she'd pop off so that he could finally wear that sparkly hat and floofy robe. Unfair! He's also the same fop who was incensed for years - outraged, really - that his first wife, Diana, received more press attention than he did. If ever there was a poster child for "Look at meeeeee!" it's our own little Chuck-Chuck. 

You see, after Chucky announced that he had cancer - of what kind, we don't know, and that's his business, do carry on - his spokeswhores next went out of their way to announce to the world that he does not have prostate cancer. Why? Are we supposed to guess what kind it is? Take bets? What sort of person does a dance-of-seven-veils with cancer? "Teehee," says his cancer, flashing its ankle. "Don't look this-a way, it could be colorectal. Teehee. Don't look that-a way, it could be pancreatic." It's so thirsty it's practically desiccated. 

But this is in keeping with the current British Royals, including The Royal Karen Kate, Princess of Wales, who announced around the same time that she'd just had "planned abdominal surgery." Fine, your business, do carry on. But then her spokeswhores went out of their way to announce to the world that it was "non-cancerous." And so we have another dance of seven veils, this time, presumably, with her womb and cervix doing the Hysterectomy Hoedown. I do hope Chuck-a-luck and Karen recover from their ailments. But if, God forbid, there's a next time, shut up or put up, you clumsy, thirsty thots. No one needs this kind of teasing flash. 

The verdict is in: King Charles is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched. 

Photo Credits: Columbia/Parkwood; Getty Images; AMP

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