Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are so dry, they're fossilized, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, we have Jennifer Lopez, a perennial thirst-hor, of course, but today, we get the added bonus of her mother, Guadalupe, who's best looked upon as a discount Dina Lohan, or just a notch or two above Bradley Cooper's mom,  Gloria Capano , on the look at meeeee scale. Guadalupe, as you'll recall, let it be known far and wide during Jen 'n Ben, The Original Recipe™ that she adored Ben, especially his drinking and gambling, because she liked drinking and gambling, too - and she loved getting papped while doing so. When Jen 'n Ben split up, Guadalupe sorely wished for them to reunite. She didn't say this to Jennifer's face, of course, but to the press. "This is the first I'm hearing about it," responded Jennifer in a genuinely surprised moment...

Welcome, my chickens, to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, we have Mark Ruffalo, who's baring his man teats and arm pitties for all to see while posing like a bloated squid that's tranqued on benzos and ready for either a wee nap or a moment of lazy-I'll-just-flop-here-and-you-do-me sexytimes-while-my-tushy-burps-a-blaster. I s this thirsty? Oh, my goodness, yes it is.   Also, what is "Perfect" magazine? And do they really think this dead-eyed crusty moose-knuckle is "perfect" or "sexy?" This picture screams raunchy unwashed ball stank, it screams a desperate combover to hide a beachball-sized bald spot, it screams a filthy hairy back sprouting mushrooms and infested with gnats and fermented feta cheese, it screams crutch tips and house slippers and dried earwax specks dotting a black turtleneck and power walking at the mall and nipple-high pants and enough nose hair to knit a sweater.  "I'm 55 no...

Welcome, trollops, to another, very parched edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, we have America's favorite hot-flashing ingenue, Julia Roberts, who posted a picture this week on her Instagram account celebrating her husband Danny Moder's 55th birthday. Please marvel at the framing and positioning of its subjects, with Julia in a demurely submissive, yet dead-center, position, and Danny, in a higher, yet ignorable, position.  The photo doesn't celebrate Danny, much less his birthday, it celebrates Julia cosplaying a Tradwife . Some stunt, trick! I give an added slow-clap for her yearning, cutesy expression and Danny's serious, manly-man mug, his hand resting paternally on her shoulder, as if to say, "My lovable, dim-bulb wife." The Tradwife theme was echoed when Julia gushed like a Mormon virgin - no chocha, lots of anal! - about Danny and their family to Hoda Kotb, "He's the captain of our ship. Truly. It all starts with Dann...

Welcome to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho? (formally known as "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty?" because change is good).  Today's candidates are a starry lot, and you can't get any starrier than our first candidate, Camilla Parker Something-Something-Homewrecking-Whore Bowles, who is justly celebrated for playing an awe-inspiring gold-digging game better than anyone with a face like a scrotum ever has before. No, really. Slow clap, Camilla. I mean, imagine that face going down on you. She has to be good at something, right?  No gag reflex, perhaps? Or maybe she's  a much-coveted "3 car garage," as the kids say, who likes oral, vaginal and anal. The mind reels (and the mouth hurls).  Just this week, Camilla called "The Daily Mail"  "The Daily Mail"  exclusively reported that this formally double-dipping sex bomb is about to release a documentary concerning domestic violence and sexual abuse. "Why?" you ask. ...

Welcome to the latest edition of "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty!" First up, we have sixty-year-old Brad Pitt - the movie star New Orleans loves to hate - and his adoring girlfriend, Ines De Ramon, who's a whopping 30 years his junior. But honestly, who's counting when you're an aging, juiced-on-Viagra star and a much younger "jewelry professional" (cough) who's also actor Paul Wesley's divorced, smash-and-trash leftover slop? A girl's gotta keep that money train going, and if this means riding a limp, cum-sputtering meat noodle (she cries "Timber!" whenever he whips it out) so be it.  The moisture-seeking couple were recently spotted on a "special date night" at a Beverly Hills art exhibit. Gossip sites called this a "rare sighting!" of the duo (who of course have them all on speed dial). Yet they weren't the only thirsty star whores at the gathering. There was also Jon Voight - shocker! - and, no, they didn't c...

Welcome, fellow tricks, to the latest edition of Thirsty Or Not Thirsty. And hoo-boy, have we got some bone dry bitches up in these parts today. First up, T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach, TV's Darlingest Daytime Cheaters, who were once chucking the bone behind their spouses backs. You know the ones. At first they acted all, "Who me?" and "Giggle-giggle" and "Respect my horgasms!" Since then, they've become America's Darlingest Dick Sauce 'n' Gusher - the Unemployed Edition! - by giving interviews about their sex lives with any member of the presstitute they can find, and also by revealing all on their podcast, because of course they have a podcast. They've already whined (repeatedly) about how much money they've lost after being fired from their network gigs, paying divorce lawyers and selling houses and such. Oh, and they're recovering alcoholics, too. Fun! But here's the kicker: they claim it's all been worth it becaus...

Welcome to today's edition of "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty," in which we judge the relative thirstiness - or not - of various celebutarts. First up, everyone's favorite memaw chef, gardener and wacky weed enthusiast, Martha Stewart, who just posted the picture above for her adoring fans on her Instagram page. Note her carefully mussed-up  wig hair and her (relatively) perky titty-balls.  This is Hard-Core Thirsty (for those who are blind), made even more so by her moist, parted lips, also known as her Polish soup coolers if she's serving sauerkraut borscht, as every proper Polish trollop is wont to do. Blow, Martha, blow. I'm willing to hear about why this picture is not thirsty, but honestly, it's pretty damn unquenchable, and I'll be frank, I admire her game. Martha is 83 and doing what Madonna should be doing at 65, but then peek-a-boo knockers is too subtle for Vadge, who these days is more interested in showing-off her Inflate-A-Ho keister. But I digr...