WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Could It Be Julia Roberts? Sexy Jesus? Or Peckerwood Reddit Trolls?

Welcome, trollops, to another, very parched edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, we have America's favorite hot-flashing ingenue, Julia Roberts, who posted a picture this week on her Instagram account celebrating her husband Danny Moder's 55th birthday. Please marvel at the framing and positioning of its subjects, with Julia in a demurely submissive, yet dead-center, position, and Danny, in a higher, yet ignorable, position. 

The photo doesn't celebrate Danny, much less his birthday, it celebrates Julia cosplaying a Tradwife. Some stunt, trick! I give an added slow-clap for her yearning, cutesy expression and Danny's serious, manly-man mug, his hand resting paternally on her shoulder, as if to say, "My lovable, dim-bulb wife." The Tradwife theme was echoed when Julia gushed like a Mormon virgin - no chocha, lots of anal! - about Danny and their family to Hoda Kotb, "He's the captain of our ship. Truly. It all starts with Danny, you know." Honestly, this is some of Julia's finest acting. 

Actually, scratch that. It's a stellar performance, but it doesn't begin to equal Julia's finest as "Thunder Cunt Karen." You know, when she first started riding Danny's jizzknob even though he was married to another woman, Vera Steimberg? And then - oh, here's where it became glorious - she became irate when Vera didn't immediately divorce Danny, which prompted her to publicly pressure Vera to do so by wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with, "A Low Vera." That, my chickens, is standing ovation-worthy thirst, and Grade-A cuntiness to boot. 

The verdict is in: Julia is thirsty!

Are you that type of gay? Does the picture above make you dribble before you shoot? Are you wondering why BelAmi and Sean Cody have yet to nab this twinkliest of twinks as their newest boom-boom-pow powerbottom? You are not alone. But hold on: psych! It's actually Jesus, hereafter known as Thirsty Jesus™, giving you boom-boom-pow powerbottom realness. Which is a terrific way to refill the pews with horned-up elder gays and confused, but moist, teen girls ("But I can change him!" they squeal) ("Just like you did with George Michael," say the elder gays with a phlegmatic chortle).  

Actually, double-psyche, because your filthy, dirty-minded thoughts are not what the Spanish artist, who created the poster for the upcoming Holy Week festivities in Seville, intended at all. "To see sexuality in my image of Christ," he said this week, "you must be mad." Unfortunately, Spain's far-right knobs are turned on appalled by Thirsty Jesus™, calling him "absolutely shameful," "an abomination," and "effeminate." No word yet if this was before or after their man-mayo went flying. And no word or objection to Thirsty Jesus™ looking like he was born in Prague. 

The artist is particularly appalled since the model for the picture was his own son, whom he says is "gentle, elegant and beautiful." Spoken like a priest to the alter boy with a hitch in his git'along, amireet? Or is this a family-with-benefits? I kid, of course, but this loving mack-daddy's objections are falling on deaf ears to those wondering why BelAmi and Sean Cody have yet to nab this twinkliest of twinks as their newest boom-boom-pow powerbottom. But really, the Catholic Church has always sexualized Jesus. Men in the Renaissance needed something for their spank bank, after all, and those horned up ladies weren't buffin' the muffin for St. Francis (who, though holding cute animals, which is always a plus, always wore a musty robe which covered everything, the prude). In this sense, Spain's latest Jesus is right on brand. 

The verdict is in: Jesus is thirsty!

Oh here come hell go. Thirsty Reddit Peckerwood Trolls are miffed that the Manor isn't chock-a-block with countless posts a day, even though everyone working on this site are doing so for free and otherwise have full-time jobs and families and such. Merde! A thousand lashings upon our tushies. Yet leodog13 isn't alone in their outrage. We're far too "cliquish," many opine, and delete posts about celebrities we like, something that I, in particular, do since I'm supposedly a celebrity publicist and protective of my client list. This is actually true. As I've told Madame Fleur many times, whenever I see a negative post about Sam Smith, I promptly delete-delete-delete! 

First off, darling trolls, I am not a publicist (though if I were, I'd like to think I'd be Shauna Roberts, thankyew). Second, we delete racist, phobic and misogynist comments, or those off topic. Obvi. Do we make mistakes? Sure. Do comments sometimes not post, but end up in the "Spam" column of our Disqus mod page? All the time. Mods at the Manor are unspeakably glamorous, but we don't catch everything. Remember, precious trolls, you have our email if you'd ever like to report an error. Try using it sometime. 

Note that in the screen capture above, leodog13 initially misgendered me as a "she," then hastily corrected the post after realizing their oopsie. This amusingly led to fellow Peckers asking if I'd transitioned (not yet, hors, but I'll always be strictly-dickly). Though really, if I find out that leodog13 and their ilk don't even know who the real "Bree Daniels" is, there will be violence. Yet what can one expect when another troll claims that we've banned "RichBitch." But then, as our sainted Shonali, who valiantly keeps the otherwise delightful DListed Reddit sub in check, notes: 

The verdict is in: Peckerwood Reddit Trolls are not thirsty (but they are sad) (which is funny).

So there we have it, our three worthy candidates: Julia, Jesus and Reddit Peckerwood Trolls. Who is the most parched? Whom will you chose as this week's Thirsty Supreme?

Photo Credits: Julia Roberts/Instagram, Salustiano Garcia/Instagram, Reddit