Welcome, fellow tricks, to the latest edition of Thirsty Or Not Thirsty. And hoo-boy, have we got some bone dry bitches up in these parts today. First up, T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach, TV's Darlingest Daytime Cheaters, who were once chucking the bone behind their spouses backs. You know the ones. At first they acted all, "Who me?" and "Giggle-giggle" and "Respect my horgasms!" Since then, they've become America's Darlingest Dick Sauce 'n' Gusher - the Unemployed Edition! - by giving interviews about their sex lives with any member of the presstitute they can find, and also by revealing all on their podcast, because of course they have a podcast.
They've already whined (repeatedly) about how much money they've lost after being fired from their network gigs, paying divorce lawyers and selling houses and such. Oh, and they're recovering alcoholics, too. Fun! But here's the kicker: they claim it's all been worth it because they're still "very much in love," i.e., doing everything for cash short of popping out a "Pay Attention To Meeeeeee!" crotch critter or releasing a sex tape. Clearly they're leaning towards the latter, since just last week on their podcast, they told their special guest, OK Cupid's Head of Communication, that they're "really getting into shower sex" and love "post-work-out sex" and enjoy the actual sex-sex part "more than foreplay." They also into "cuffs over ropes," which Amy followed up with a demure titter. "Stop!" she said. "My parents don't even know that!" Please, Amy, if they don't know you're a public cum-dump by now, they're either dead or they haven't seen the gif above where T.J.'s nearly grabbing your chocha at last month's Jingle Ball fundraiser. Ho-ho indeed.
The verdict is in: T.J. and Amy are thirsty!
Funny-bunny Jennifer Lawrence - or the one who's "jes folks" 'cause she talks about farting and loves the Housewives franchise - was at last weeks Golden Globes, and for once she was actually amusing. Why, you ask? Because she mouthed to the camera that if she didn't win, she was leaving. She was joking, of course, acting the part of a pampered twat. But wait, that was just the set-up. Here's the punchline: Taylor Swift didn't win and did leave. And there was no "acting" the twat required. Now that's comedy! Overall, I'm inclined to cut Jennifer some slack these days, as she's been relatively quiet and seems to be rationing her try-hard Goofball Gal routine. Or so I thought.
On the red carpet after the Globes ended - she couldn't even wait a day! - Jennifer chatted with the press, who were clearly hoping she'd trip and fall or let loose with a really rank tushy-cough. Instead, she proceeded to throw Robert De Niro under the bus by describing how stressful her wedding rehearsal dinner was five years ago because "Bobby looked bored" and "was kind of wandering about, and I thought, this isn't what he wants to be doing." You think? Color me surprised to learn that this 80 year-old Oscar winner - who doesn't do any "heavy lifting," he says, with his newborn child's daily care (because that shit got old decades ago) - might have preferred napping or drinking Ensure from a sippy cup instead of eating yet another goddamn rubber chicken dinner with a bunch of obnoxious whippersnappers. Still, the story has a happy ending. She told him he could leave if he wanted and he did. But thanks, Jen, you've managed to make De Niro look like a drooling, doddering methuselah and yourself like a tired Look At Me! gal. Again.
The verdict is in: Jennifer is thirsty!
Can you hear the sizzle? That's the sound of Katt Williams burning down the house. And the neighbor's house and the whole block and the subdivision and the entire goddamn city. Can the world and galaxy be far behind? This stand-up comic and actor is no stranger to speaking his mind - sometimes with his body; he once leaped off the stage to pummel a heckler - but last week on the "Club Shay Shay" podcast, because of course it was a podcast, he carpet-bombed just about everyone. And by that I mean that he let us know what he really thinks of his fellow comics and actors. Clutch your pearls, because this self-professed "good Christian" made even Black Jesus squeal, "Oh, no he di'nt!"
After claiming that Harvey Weinstein once offered to "suck my penis" - let's get that image out of our noggins pronto! - Katt went in on Kevin Hart, claiming that he's a talent-free "industry plant" whom no one had ever heard of before he popped up, and whose movies are full of "Steppin Fetchit shit." Then he railed against Cedric The Entertainer, dubbing him "a walrus (who) steals jokes, can't sing, can't dance, and never wrote anything" and whose comedy specials are so awful, they're no longer available to watch on any platform anywhere. As for Steve Harvey, he says he flat-out lied about being homeless to get sympathy, and failed to become a movie star since not a single script in Hollywood is asking for "a Black dude who can't talk good and looks like Mr. Potato Head." On Michael Blackson, he calls the Ghana-born comedian "a real African doing a fake African accent," while Ludicrous, he says, is a member of the Illuminati. Oh, and Tyler Perry? He "can't play a man to save his life." So, yeah, Katt's probably not getting invited to the cookout this summer. Or maybe he will, because if Black Twitter is any indication, he's just telling the "bare-ass naked truth."
The verdict is in: Katt is messy - and how! - but not thirsty.
Do you agree or disagree with the learned assessments above? Let's discuss, shall we? And, please, pray for those whose thirst is unquenched. It's a hard knock life being dry as deadly popcorn fart (hi, Jennifer!) and no one should have to go through that.
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