THIRSTY OR NOT THIRSTY? Brad Pitt & Sam Asghari, Plus Boy George and Rebel Wilson! Who's This Week's Thirstiest?

Welcome to the latest edition of "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty!" First up, we have sixty-year-old Brad Pitt - the movie star New Orleans loves to hate - and his adoring girlfriend, Ines De Ramon, who's a whopping 30 years his junior. But honestly, who's counting when you're an aging, juiced-on-Viagra star and a much younger "jewelry professional" (cough) who's also actor Paul Wesley's divorced, smash-and-trash leftover slop? A girl's gotta keep that money train going, and if this means riding a limp, cum-sputtering meat noodle (she cries "Timber!" whenever he whips it out) so be it. 

The moisture-seeking couple were recently spotted on a "special date night" at a Beverly Hills art exhibit. Gossip sites called this a "rare sighting!" of the duo (who of course have them all on speed dial). Yet they weren't the only thirsty star whores at the gathering. There was also Jon Voight - shocker! - and, no, they didn't commiserate about their joint loathing of Angelina Jolie, who Brad, in the past, affectionally referred to as "Kitty" and now likely calls "That Demon Queef Pocket."

But wait, there's more! Brad was also spotted chatting it up with one of the event's cater-waiters/paid pieces, and by that I mean Britney Spears' divorced, smash-and-trash leftover slop, Sam Asghari, because you can't convince me that he wasn't there working the event with a tray full of deviled eggs. They even posed for a cute picture for Sam's Instagram page in which Brad showed off his burn-victim-smooth-brow-lift and Sam his closer-to-God-closer-to-Trump tan in the dead of winter. Adorable! 

The verdict is in: Brad and Sam are thirsty!

Meanwhile, remember Boy George, the seriously meh 80s pop star who was (only briefly) incarcerated for handcuffing a trick to his apartment radiator, brutally assaulting him, then keeping him imprisoned there for days? Yes, that's the one! Well, I guess he has a car payment due or something, because he's still flogging his second autobiography, "Karma" (when clearly one was enough) (or not even necessary), which hit stores last November. Boy knows how to get all the look-at-me attention. Can you guess how? By trashing his betters in print, that's how. So easy! And yes, he gave many interviews last week to point out the deets, in case we were wondering or forgot. 

Boy does not hold back. He lambastes Janet Jackson, since in the 80s, she didn't recognize him out of his clown-store drag costume at one of her shows. Later, when he was in costume - honestly, I've seen impoverished kids do better on Halloween with bedsheets, Grandma's good church wig and damp bathmats - he says she "looked right through me." The injustice! Attica, Attica! In the 90s, he encountered Prince at a Paris restaurant and Prince dared to keep eating his meal in silence and didn't even look up - even though Boy was seated directly across from him. Such rudeness and incivility! 

Everyone, it seems, gives Boy the cold shoulder - past and present - including Tina Turner and Adele, and Boy is not having it. He will not be ignored, and in a recent interview, cried out, "It's easier to be nice." I'll remember that when I see "Karma" on sale for 50 cents (or best offer!) on eBay next week. I'll be nice. I won't say a word. I'll look right through it. I might not even recognize it. 

The verdict is in: Boy is thirsty!

I know, I know, you're wondering why I didn't warn a bitch before you scrolled down to what we'll charitably call a collection of ratty extensions, bones, alleged skin and the finest store-bought chompers. Do you recognize who it is? Why, it's that darling, two-steps-away-from-oblivion Rebel Wilson, the fast-fading starlet of yesteryear. You're already signaling "Past Tense" for her in charades (pointing backwards with your thumb over your shoulder), and whispering, "Harpo, who's that woman?" when you see her pictures on the internet. Tale as old as time, true as Jonathan Majors, Rebel and the Rapist (sing along with me!). 

Brave Rebel is fighting against all that, of course. Just this week, she made the gossip rounds to share vital news. She's gained thirty pounds - or something in "stones" for you snogs across the pond - because of "incredible stress" caused by her "busy work schedule," which, you guessed it, included writing her autobiography, "Rebel Rising," a book which will surely be on sale for 50 cents (or best offer!) on eBay next week (I'll be nice. I won't say a word, I'll look right through it, I might not even recognize it). Weight loss is "not linear," she's now telling her fans, adding, "I've lost focus on my healthy lifestyle," much as her fans have lost focus in terms of who she is, what she's known for, and what season of Britain's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" she'll likely appear on. Honestly, Pebble, or, sorry, Refill, or sorry, Mouthful, or - wait, who? - it's all so very blurry. 

The verdict is in: Rebel is thirsty!

Now it's your turn! Which of the three above is the thirstiest? Do you agree or disagree with the assessments? Let's discuss, shall we? And, please, pray for those whose thirst is unquenched. It's a hard knock life being dry as a nun's crotch and no one should have to go through that, amirite?

Photo Credits: Sam Asghari/Instagram, ITV, News Intl