THIRSTY OR NOT THIRSTY? With Martha Stewart, Ariana Grande And Barack Obama!

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Welcome to today's edition of "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty," in which we judge the relative thirstiness - or not - of various celebutarts. First up, everyone's favorite memaw chef, gardener and wacky weed enthusiast, Martha Stewart, who just posted the picture above for her adoring fans on her Instagram page. Note her carefully mussed-up wig hair and her (relatively) perky titty-balls. 

This is Hard-Core Thirsty (for those who are blind), made even more so by her moist, parted lips, also known as her Polish soup coolers if she's serving sauerkraut borscht, as every proper Polish trollop is wont to do. Blow, Martha, blow. I'm willing to hear about why this picture is not thirsty, but honestly, it's pretty damn unquenchable, and I'll be frank, I admire her game. Martha is 83 and doing what Madonna should be doing at 65, but then peek-a-boo knockers is too subtle for Vadge, who these days is more interested in showing-off her Inflate-A-Ho keister. But I digress. 

The verdict is in: Martha is thirsty!

Next up, Ariana Grande, who's been in production on "Wicked" for the last 40 years, or so it seems. She's pictured above as Glinda during her Ozempic Years (sans eyebrows and pants), accompanied by her "What Me Worry?" Alfred E. Neuman boytoy and "Wicked" co-star who I assume is playing a member of The Lollipop Guild (and who's also known as Ethan-something). Just yesterday, Ariana posted a "Story" on her Instagram page in which she slammed all those awful, jealous haters making "assumptions" about her divorce, her relationship and her life by "putting whispers together." Side note: "Putting whispers together” is fairly poetical writing from a songwriter whose most famous lyrics are "Fuck me 'till the daylight! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But I digress. 

Ariana goes on to say how wonderfully fulfilled she is in her life and her work - but without offering any details, because she's private that way. "I feel more human than ever!" she says, which is quite the stunt coming from someone who looks like a squeaky Bratz Doll (sans eyebrows and pants) who's yet to learn how to properly enunciate when she sings so that we can understand whatever the hell she's saying, like "Fuck me 'till the daylight! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Why is this thirsty? Because there's no reason for it. She's not actually telling us anything about her life or her work. She just wants us to know that she's, like, so rully-rully happy, and happier than her haters (who are these haters? who bothers to think about her?) would have you believe. 

The verdict is in: Ariana is thirsty!

Remember when Presidents were both skilled and classy? You don't? Maybe it was in a galaxy far, far away. Anyway, for your thirsty consideration, Barack Obama, who just announced his yearly Oprah's Favorite Things Best Of Lists. This includes his favorite books, music and films, the latter of which include "Rustin" and "Leave The World Behind," which by sheer coincidence, were both fairly mediocre and produced by Barack and his wife Michelle via their trillion dollar Netflix-funded production company. Again, total coincidence! But I digress. 

I'm torn here (not really), because there's making meh movies and promoting your favorite things - including, inexplicably, a song performed by Rita Wilson - while, conversely, there's building houses for the homeless with Habitat For Humanity, eradicating deadly tropical diseases, and working with the Human Rights Action Center and Amnesty International. Sure, the latter will earn you peanuts (oh, no, I di'nt!) instead of trillions, but Barack, in addition to his own charity work, desperately wants to be a funzi ex-president, too, or the sort who kicks back with Julia Roberts and gets down to Shakira. 

The verdict is in: Barack is thirsty!

Do you agree or disagree with the learned assessments above? Let's discuss, shall we? And, please, pray for those whose thirst is unquenched. It's a hard knock life being as dry as a nun's crotch or a deadly popcorn fart and no one should have to go through that.

Photo Credits: The Image Direct, Martha Stewart/Instagram

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