Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Chrissy Teigen's fashionable "underwear dress" at the Olympics Opening Ceremony, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, the Internet's favorite critter-infested pass-around-peen. I'm referring, of course, to Pete Davidson , who's been linked to countless Hollywood camel toes thirsting for publicity, or so it seems, because unless Pete's diseased tube steak is irresistible, than I, for one, do not get what's going on here - and probably don't want to know for my own mental health. Pete is the Fred Durst  of comedians, the Jaden Smith of actors, and, yes, the ass from which the worm escaped and nibbled on Robert F. Kennedy, Jr's  brain matter. Given his girlfriend track record - which includes the alleged model,  Emily Ratajkowski ; nepo-nothing throw cushion,  Kaia Gerber ; doughnut enemy,  Arian...

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Glen Powell's  look-at-me lumpy cum gutters, so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, a nepo half-sibling with no discernible talent except for hitching his wagon to his famous half-sister's ratchet ponytail. Yes, I speak of Frankie Grande , the professional gay who has every gay whipping out their vellum fans, aerating their nipples and huffily intoning, "We don't know her." The straights don't know him, either, but ever since outing himself as the hungriest of attention hors on 2012's "Big Brother 16," in which he proclaimed himself a "social media mogul," made racist comments about Black contestant Devin Shepherd and said, "Lesbians choose to be gay, while men do not," Frankie's been scratching and crawling and guzzling anything within reach to quench his desperate thirst....

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Justin Timberlake's future career prospects, so they need all the moisture they can get. First, we have Jonathan Bailey , Hollywood's gay du jour , who, fresh from spreading his legs wider than a four-lane crosswalk for Matt Bomer in "Fellow Travelers," has decided to "do good" for his fellow sausage jockeys. He wants to "fight stigma," he squealed this week, with his spanking new charity, The Shameless Fund, yet what it will do, exactly, remains a mystery, though he vaguely claims that it will contribute funds to other, already long- established LGBT+ charities. So it's - what, exactly? Kind of like a middle-man? A lazy, unwelcome third in a lubed-up booty train? So many questions remain to be answered, the most urgent being why is this charity even needed? It's a question which can only be answered one w...

Welcome to today's edition of "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty," in which we judge the relative thirstiness - or not - of various celebutarts. First up, everyone's favorite memaw chef, gardener and wacky weed enthusiast, Martha Stewart, who just posted the picture above for her adoring fans on her Instagram page. Note her carefully mussed-up  wig hair and her (relatively) perky titty-balls.  This is Hard-Core Thirsty (for those who are blind), made even more so by her moist, parted lips, also known as her Polish soup coolers if she's serving sauerkraut borscht, as every proper Polish trollop is wont to do. Blow, Martha, blow. I'm willing to hear about why this picture is not thirsty, but honestly, it's pretty damn unquenchable, and I'll be frank, I admire her game. Martha is 83 and doing what Madonna should be doing at 65, but then peek-a-boo knockers is too subtle for Vadge, who these days is more interested in showing-off her Inflate-A-Ho keister. But I digr...

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from  filthy  esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Saucy Kitty! Plastic surgery: we’ve come such a long way from the days when people smeared arsenic, lead, nightshade, and all sorts of other delightful chemicals on their faces to look desirable. Of course, we can't all be Pure Glamour & Subtlety like Jocelyn Wildenstein, but if you feel like you’re getting, say, a little jowly, or if you just want an actual chin/bewbs/butt/cute perky nose, there is surgery to be had. Tons of it. Forget the poisons or the patience to wait for your retinol to start working; just undergo a “little” procedure and risk your life while under anesthesia! I’ve never quite understood why some of these celebs think we’re so dumb as to not notice when they’ve had work, especially when they obviously look different. Kylie Jenner (I know, I know, but she’s the most recent heaux to play the “I’ve never had pla...

These two thought they could keep their messy business to themselves. What have we known all along? That these liars have lied about the timetable. We knew they didn't get together after he supposedly separated from his wife. We knew Ginger Garbage Boy and the Donut Licker had been sloppy, so we knew someone would catch them. Did they even try to keep it quiet? Were there any attempts not to hurt his wife or humiliate their spouses? The answer would be a big fat NO. Usually, when people have affairs, they try to be discreet, but there is something extra egregious about these two.  Messy and Messier were caught in a bar months before Ethan told his wife he was leaving her and their baby. Things were a little murky before, but since my last report, these are the things that have come out and a refresher: -A cast member told Lilly about the affair. Horrible.  -They were messing around in December before Ariana split from her husband. If they were cozy in March in public, then com...

So old Ethan Slater's friends are afraid Ariana Grande will break his heart, and I can assure them that he will rue the day he ever met her because Ariana could give a master class in messy. Her relationships have a short shelf-life, and she hops from one dick to another dick as if she cannot be alone. Apparently, any dick will do, judging from this uninspired desperate choice. He will look back and realize their romance was suspended in a fairytale-like atmosphere in the on-set bubble. Their real lives don't encroach on this bubble, and artificial feelings grow into something unsustainable in the real world. Hence, actors' romantic relationships are hard to maintain since they may have natural chemistry with a co-star, and their loyal partner back home isn't there, so they don't factor in a cheater's decision to have a passionate lusty affair. It is an old trope. Yet, it happens over and over. These two aren't even original; they're cliche.  Lily Jay, E...

Some truths are becoming more apparent, which don't look good for the donut licker. Now my lovely hors, we know this is why the demise of her marriage timeline was pushed back to the very beginning of the year. I thought he was the one who cheated on her because there was something there that felt like Ariana was trying to save face. But I was so wrong. She is dating a very married man with a tiny infant who isn't even a year old. Yes, she is dating her co-star from Wicked, Ethan Slater, which has been going on for months! I asked for a gossip gift, and we received one. Ariana has always been messy and bangs messy men, so this is on brand. No wonder this breakneck speed of declarations and blah blah blahs were coming in daily. They were trying to get ahead of this sordid story. It looks like her team was caught flat-footed and has scrambled to play down what is shaping up to be a very different story than the one they had been pushing in the media. This is where the blah blah b...

  This past Sunday, Ariana Grande was photographed at Wimbledon with Jonathan Bailey looking like she was having a fantastic time without a care in the world, but a look closer showed she wasn't wearing her hundred thousand dollar wedding ring and made damn sure we saw her naked finger; celebrity-speak for it's over. They know what they are doing when they do this. Her fans tried to make it seem like she and Bailey were a hot new item, and they were getting cozy, but the man is openly ghey , so nice try. Yes, Anthony Bridgerton is ghey ghey ghey; accept that your dreams about him banging the life out of your vagine will never come true. However, it is more believable that he and Andrew Garfield are the real story, and she's their cover. Wait, I am really warming up to this idea; gods of gossip give us a gift, throw us poor souls a bone, and please let this be true. Just as I am picturing Jonathan and Andrew walking hand in hand, picking out bedding for their chic little pi...