THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "This Week in 'Who Do You Think You’re Kidding' News: Plastic Surgery" By Saucy Kitty!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Saucy Kitty!

Plastic surgery: we’ve come such a long way from the days when people smeared arsenic, lead, nightshade, and all sorts of other delightful chemicals on their faces to look desirable. Of course, we can't all be Pure Glamour & Subtlety like Jocelyn Wildenstein, but if you feel like you’re getting, say, a little jowly, or if you just want an actual chin/bewbs/butt/cute perky nose, there is surgery to be had. Tons of it. Forget the poisons or the patience to wait for your retinol to start working; just undergo a “little” procedure and risk your life while under anesthesia!

I’ve never quite understood why some of these celebs think we’re so dumb as to not notice when they’ve had work, especially when they obviously look different. Kylie Jenner (I know, I know, but she’s the most recent heaux to play the “I’ve never had plastic surgery” card, and I’m trying to be topical here; I’ll get to some other celebs.) last week again declared that she has never had plastic surgery on her face, just some lip fillers. 

Her statement from an episode of that reality show was, “I’ve never touched my face.” Let’s take a quick look-see for posterity, shall we?

Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that chins shrink as one grows older. Not to mention, she sure is going heavy on the spray tan. Woof! I dare say she had some kind of work done to her eyes, as well. It takes a lot of work to go from “Marla Hooch at 15” to generic, yassified “influencer”’ in the looks department. 

Next on my list of “how dumb do you think we are” is Charlize Theron. Like the rest of us, she is aging. That’s cool. What’s the saying about wrinkles reflecting a life well lived, or something we all tell ourselves when we start to sag a little? However, she posted a statement to Facebook in August stating: 

“They’re like, ‘What did she do to her face?’ I’m like, ‘Bitch, I’m just aging!’ It doesn’t mean I got bad plastic surgery.” Yes, but, c’mon, you can’t tell me that she hasn’t had some work done, at least on her eyes? Let’s not forget, she used to be a smoker, and in my experience, those crows’ feet tend to show up a little earlier on those of us who spent some years puffing on a ciggie. Or the bong. Or partying all night at a rave while ingesting dubious substances.

Next dissection, er, celebrity: Bella Hadid. Bella notably informed us in May 2018 that she had not had plastic surgery. Her exact quote was, “People think I got all this surgery or did this or that. And you know what? We can do a scan of my face, darling. I'm scared of putting fillers into my lips. I wouldn't want to mess up my face.” 

Four years later, darling Bella owned up to having a nose job. I would venture to say that she’s had some other work, as well, but at least she owned up to her very obvious rhinoplasty. And you know what they say, nepo babies aren’t just born into it…turns out, they’re manufactured into it as well! 

Lastly – I know, I’m hitting you with stars who are more obnoxious than not, but hey, I didn’t put you through Tori Spelling, so there’s that – we have Ariana Grande. Ariana’s mouth full of BS consisted of the statement, “That's why I'm on the cover of [a] magazine, and they're saying I got plastic surgery. Goddamn, puberty went nice.” 

I dunno, I have a difficult time buying that puberty made her go from the pic on the left to the one on the right. That’s some heavy eyebrow-lift action, possible nosejob, and a chin reshape, not to mention – again! – that spray tan (which Pete Davidson notably ragged on in one his stand-up specials).  

I understand. Truly, I do! Maintaining a career as a STAH is hard work, so why not have a little work to help out a starving artist’s career. Just…DON’T LIE ABOUT IT. We have eyes. Why lie? Why not just say, “Yeah, I didn’t like the way I looked/my agent told me to get some work/it’s difficult getting work as an actress if you look even remotely over 30.” 

Frankly, if I ever win the lottery, I’d be looking into a slight lift in the face or maybe just some facial-lasering. (cystic acne and the resulting scars suck.) And ya know what? If someone asked me if I had work done, I’d say, “Yes, don’t I look awesome?” What are these celebs going to tell us about their new face shape next, that it’s all due to eating Japanese sweet potatoes? Oh, wait…

Photo Credits: Getty Images, Alberto Pizzoli/AFP