WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is It Pete Davidson? Or Gus Kenworthy? Or Facial Fitness Gum?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than Chrissy Teigen's fashionable "underwear dress" at the Olympics Opening Ceremony, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, the Internet's favorite critter-infested pass-around-peen. I'm referring, of course, to Pete Davidson, who's been linked to countless Hollywood camel toes thirsting for publicity, or so it seems, because unless Pete's diseased tube steak is irresistible, than I, for one, do not get what's going on here - and probably don't want to know for my own mental health. Pete is the Fred Durst of comedians, the Jaden Smith of actors, and, yes, the ass from which the worm escaped and nibbled on Robert F. Kennedy, Jr's brain matter. Given his girlfriend track record - which includes the alleged model, Emily Ratajkowski; nepo-nothing throw cushion, Kaia Gerber; doughnut enemy, Ariana Grande; and the incredibly vanishing, tits on a stick, Kate Beckinsale - I'm surprised they haven't collectively created a deadly superbug virus resistant to all known antibiotics. The only thing that kills it for good is being banned from PageSix. It just shrivels up and dies. 

Pete hasn't been in the press a lot lately, which means he's taking his bipolar meds, thank God, not threatening suicide, thank God again (no, really) (even idjits deserve to live), and not breaking up, or hooking up, with anyone new. Ergo, Pete is catastrophically dehydrated, because this week, he started blabbing to the press, insisting that he's truly dunzo with cocaine, ketamine and any non-prescribed dolls within reach. Which is so cool and brat and fetch of him to share and I'm sure we're all relieved. Are you relieved? Just nod. "yes." But there's one drug he simply cannot quit - and darn it, he wants everyone to know. Can you take an Alice B. Toklas guess as to what it is? 

If you guessed the devil's lettuce, than you and Pete - shudder!- are simpatico. "I can't quit weed yet!" he shrieked this week. "It's all I have left." Still, he assures us that he knows when to take breaks so he can "focus on himself" and "better deal with his PTSD issues," and when he's not smoking or popping gummies, he's still going to rehab for "periodic tuneups." So basically, he's using pot to stall or delay his road to presumed sanity. But, what, exactly, will that look like? Will he, like newly assholio, "recovered addict," Russell Brand, nuzzle up to Fox News and right wing succubus, Piers Morgan? Honestly, I can't wait for him to get his bug-crawling salad tossed by Meghan "My Father Is John McCain!" McCain. Then we'll never hear from him again. 

The verdict is in: Pete is thirsty!

Moving on, we have Gus Kenworthy, the ghey former Olympic skier who makes the baby gheys explode with cocksnot given his countless YouTube and Instagram thirst traps. Questions abound. Should anyone really earn the moniker of "daddy" if they're under 35? And how many scribbles do you add to your body before it looks like your tattooist did an eightball of bath salts and meth and couldn't stop? Since trying and failing to win gold at the Olympics, Gus has tried out acting by appearing shirtless and in very tight shorty-shorts in Ryan Murphy's "American Horror Story: 1984," playing, get this, a straight guy. Because in Ryan's universe, irony is just another word for stunt queen. How was he? I forgot he was there, and apparently, casting directors did, too, because he's scarcely appeared in anything since. 

Still, Gus has managed to keep himself in the press through his requisite shirtless and near-nudie pics for his ghey fans, dalliances with a string of boyfriends who frequently appear with him shirtless and near-nudie in shots for his ghey fans, by accepting awards for being an "out athlete" at various "that chicken they're serving tastes like rubber" charity award ceremonies, and by raising quite a bit of moolah for the fight against AIDS/HIV. So all in all, the typical life of a professional ghey celebrity with just a teensy bit more cred than your typical influencer - and lately, one who's smart enough to nab a CAA agent as his boyfriend du jour.

Still, parched will be parched, and this week, given the Olympics, Gus wants us all to know that, dammit, he was an Olympian once, too, and so in the picture above, he's posed demurely in a cropped Olympic T. Even better, and much to the envy of every influencer everywhere, it's a sponsored post. "They say an outfit is a reflection of the person wearing it," squeals Gus in the text accompanying the pic, "and I’ve truly never found a piece of clothing that says 'that gay sports guy' more than this American Eagle cropped Olympics tee. Obsessed!" Really, Gus? You're obsessed with a trashy, fast-fashion clothing brand with "poor labor standards" with "high or extreme risk of labour abuse," according to the Fashion Transparency Index? More to the cropped-T point, why work with a company whose stores have faced countless charges of homophobia and anti-Semitism nationwide? I guess he really is "that gay sports guy." But at least he's getting press. 

The verdict is in: Gus is thirsty!

Finally, yet another reason to laugh at, loath, or feel sorry for Gen Z and Alpha. Why, you ask? Because all the young dudes, it seems, want to have natural, super chiseled cheekbones like drop-dead gorgeous Manny Jacinto, and, really, who can blame them? But where there are suckers, there's a "hot-selling" TikTwat product ready to snatch their cash and make them look the fool. In this case, it's Jawliner, one of several companies which promises to help young lads with their "Facial Fitness" and give them the sharp cut, Jacinto jawbones of their dreams. How? With unusually stiff chewing gum, or "Hard Gum," which they promise will give their mouth and jaw "a real workout." 

“Say goodbye to that weak chin and hello to a jawline that commands attention!” screams Jawliner, which recommends that you chew their hard-as-a-rock gum for at least 8 hours a day. God bless the mostly under-25 dimbulb dude customers, because they're falling for it in huge, million-dollar numbers, since 60 pieces of the gum costs nearly $30.00. It's all part of a larger Gen Z and Alpha dude trend called "looksmaxing," which I'm sure will soon be rebranded "bratlooking" or "fuckmyface" because that's so much kEwLeR. Does it work? Of course not, you silly, but that hasn't stopped Jawliner - and Jawcko and Stronger, and other companies which sound like gay porno titles from the 80s starring Tom Brock - from making beaucoup bank. 

In a way, this all sounds pretty harmless, doesn't it? Like those old-timey comic book ads which promised to turn you into a manly man so muscle dudes would stop kicking sand in your face and you could get some puss. Only this time around, dentists nationwide are reporting a rash of young male patients with shattered crowns and janked up jaws, along with severe cases of TMJ. Unsurprisingly, this trend is huge amongst INCELS, but it's fast-traveling to the mainstream. "Everyone’s wanting to get girls and look the best they can,” say the TikTwat ads hosted by popular influencers. “It kind of makes you wonder, ‘Oh, maybe I need to get a jawline, too!’” So keep an eye out. If you see a young guy spitting out a crown or a bicuspid or two, they're hard at work on their Facial Fitness, 'cause they want both the look and the cooter. 

The verdict is in: Facial Fitness Gum is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched!

Photo Credits: SplashNews; Gus Kensworthy/Instagram; Jawliner