WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is it Mark Ruffalo? Or Justin Timberlake? Or Drake's Wormy Peen?
Welcome, my chickens, to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho?" First up, we have Mark Ruffalo, who's baring his man teats and arm pitties for all to see while posing like a bloated squid that's tranqued on benzos and ready for either a wee nap or a moment of lazy-I'll-just-flop-here-and-you-do-me sexytimes-while-my-tushy-burps-a-blaster. Is this thirsty? Oh, my goodness, yes it is.
Also, what is "Perfect" magazine? And do they really think this dead-eyed crusty moose-knuckle is "perfect" or "sexy?" This picture screams raunchy unwashed ball stank, it screams a desperate combover to hide a beachball-sized bald spot, it screams a filthy hairy back sprouting mushrooms and infested with gnats and fermented feta cheese, it screams crutch tips and house slippers and dried earwax specks dotting a black turtleneck and power walking at the mall and nipple-high pants and enough nose hair to knit a sweater.
"I'm 55 now," said Ruffalo to the "Perfect" interviewer, after which he coyly asked, "So, like, sex scenes, am I too old to be doing that kind of stuff?" No word on whether he next giggled like a kitten and flashed his cankles. If he also did a dance of seven veils, I wouldn't be surprised. In fairness, I like Ruffalo as an actor - he's very funny in "Poor Things" - and in the past, I've joined others in barking "Ruff-Ruff-Ruffalo! Rawwr!" whenever he's showed off his moobs. But this epically parched photoshoot and interview for "Perfect" is a reminder that young, nubile Instathots aren't the only dehydrated floozies around. Sometimes, like Ruffalo, you age into it.Next up we have Justin Timberlake, featured above giving us his best "Yo, yo, yo, Im'a gangsta, so you bettah be scurred!" look to rival Trump's ridiculous mug shot. Poor Justin can't seem to catch a break these days, which is leading him to jump aboard the Thirsty Train. Upon releasing a new album, "Broken Promises," which nobody asked for - except for his swollen ego and his accountant - he released its first single, appropriately titled, "Selfish." And faster than you can say Triple Shot Vanilla Frappe with a dash of crazy and a soupcon of desperate, Brit-Brit's army moved in, hilariously tanking "Selfish's" chances of hitting the number one spot by sending Britney's thirteen-year-old single, also called "Selfish," up the charts to the number one spot. Cocked and blocked, Justin. What goes around comes around, amirite? Bye, bye, bye!
And now in news no one wants, the internet was recently soiled with a video which shows Drake waving his noodle-peen in a mirror because his reflection is the only thing that gives him a chub (I kid, I kid) (no, I don't). Maybe the internet is cocktose intolerant, or at least unimpressed by Drake's piss stick because the reactions were decidedly mixed, with some on "X" and Reddit saying, "Need break," "Feel disgust," to more positive reactions like, "Stop it, I'm not finding it for you so stop asking me!"
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