WHO'S THE THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Camilla Parker Bowles? Common & Jennifer Hudson? Or Armie Hammer & Brittany Schmitt?

By

Welcome to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho? (formally known as "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty?" because change is good). 

Today's candidates are a starry lot, and you can't get any starrier than our first candidate, Camilla Parker Something-Something-Homewrecking-Whore Bowles, who is justly celebrated for playing an awe-inspiring gold-digging game better than anyone with a face like a scrotum ever has before. No, really. Slow clap, Camilla. I mean, imagine that face going down on you. She has to be good at something, right? No gag reflex, perhaps? Or maybe she's a much-coveted "3 car garage," as the kids say, who likes oral, vaginal and anal. The mind reels (and the mouth hurls). 

Just this week, Camilla called "The Daily Mail" "The Daily Mail" exclusively reported that this formally double-dipping sex bomb is about to release a documentary concerning domestic violence and sexual abuse. "Why?" you ask. Have a seat, chickens, I'll tell you. Because Camilla's endless road to PR redemption and sainthood will never be complete, despite becoming a "Consort Queen" (You: "Why don't they just call her a 'Whore Queen?'") (Me with a heavy sigh: "Why, indeed"), plus it's good to keep busy in your dotage by being the star of a documentary about abusive spouses. Whether said abuse will encompass wretched cheating spouses and snaggletoothed side pieces is not yet known, but Camilla promises that it will be "gritty." She also promises, I'm sure, to get as much fawning press as she can. In other words, as far as PR games go, it's on Meghan, and Camilla plays to win. 

The results are in: Camilla is thirsty!


I have a soft spot for out next two candidates, Jennifer Hudson and Common. Jennifer because she's talented and seems sweet; Common because he's talented and I want to sit on his face (oh, stop it, like you wouldn't!). Neither are known for being particularly thirsty, but recently, they transformed into A-level parched tricks when Jennifer had Common on her talk show and coyly asked him, "Dating anyone?" Yes, you guessed it, Jennifer and Common are dating - which they just had to announce on her nationally syndicated show for everyhor to see. Common even gave her an oversized bouquet of flowers for the occasion, then he really yanked our chains by sheepishly muttering, "We keep it private." 

On second thought, maybe Common has been thirsty all along, because mantart has never met a famous trick who isn't worth boinking for the pap stroll. Or so it seems. I speak of Common and Eryka Badu, I speak of Common and Serena Williams, I speak of Common and Taraji P., I speak of Common and Tiffany Haddish. What's the matter, Common, no love for Jada? Actually, there was, because he once appeared on her now-cancelled "Red Table Talk" show to plug his memoir - because of course he wrote a memoir! - and announced he'd "like to be a husband" one day. Sure Jan gif, after you dump Jennifer and hop on Miss Debbie Allen, because fame costs, my dear - and here's where you start paying in sweat. 

The results are in: Common is thirsty!
The results are in: Jennifer is thirsty!


And now for something really dark-sided from a "Harpo, who's that woman?" stand-up comic, aka Brittany Schmitt, who just shot a new special and apparently needs to drum up some vomit-inducing pre-publicity. This week on a podcast appropriately called "This Is The Worst," Brittany revealed that she once dated everyone's favorite alleged rapist/cannibal, Armie Hammer. But don't worry about Brittany. Everything she experienced with Armie was "positive."

What's "everything?" Oh, you know, on their first date, he "branded" her, or carved out tats on her hands with a knife, giving her what he called "Cannibal Ink." "They're cute," she said on the podcast. "It was just stick and poke. My bad in not noticing a red flag!" As they continued to date, he ordered a tattoo gun and was very open about his cannibal kink, which included biting her "really fucking hard." But he would stop when she asked him to. "I was consensual with everything," she said, adding that they liked to have sex talk about him putting it "inside her" and her sticking "a finger up his butt." This, kiddies, is crab-infested, bottom-feeding thirst. On one hand, I feel sorry for this dim bulb. On the other, aren't there better ways to promote her so-called comedy "career?" Excuse me while I take a Silkwood shower and find a baby bunny to kiss. 

The verdict is in: Brittany is thirsty!
The verdict is in: For the sake of his inevitable comeback, Armie would like to be excluded from this conversation, but still wants that finger up his butt.


So let's have it! Who's the thirstiest ho of the week? Let's discuss, shall we? 

Photo Credits: Shutterstock, Telepictures/Warner Bros., Brittany Schmitt/Instagram

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peckerwood Manor's ELECTION PANIC-A-GOGO!

By
Image
It's happening right now! This is place to scream about the election; to vent, to rejoice, to grumble, then scream again. I swear, your throat will feel like sandpaper once this day is done. Have you voted yet? Are you in line? Post pictures! Is your heart skipping beats? Do you fear for the future? Of course you do! But crucially, do you have enough booze and pills to get through this? What, exactly, are you taking or drinking? We want to know. And what are you eating? Are you a sugar or salt whore? We want to know that, too.  Leave those who'd rather not discuss such matters to our special Election-Free Open Post , since today, for one day only, we're gettin' real and gettin' dirty  in our own gasping, shrieking, blood-soaked election post. Hold tight.   
Read more

OPEN POST: We Will Survive!

By
Image
Rise up, my chickens. We're all worth fighting for.  It won't be easy, it won't be fun, but through the long dark of night and on to a new day, it will surely be worth it. We don't regularly refer to politics in our Open Posts, but today, I think it's worth noting that many of us got through eight long years of Ronald Reagan - and it was a nightmare, and for many of my contemporaries, deadly. But here we are, we're still standing. We'll get through this, too, I promise.  What does this mean in the short-term? Tears, fury, booze, pills, or weed, of course. You have my permission - not that you need it - to comfort yourself however you like for the rest of the week. But come Monday, all bets are off. Bitches won't even see us coming. 
Read more

OPEN POST: Monday Music At The Manor With DJ Li'l Scratch!

By
Image
Are you freaking out about the election tomorrow? Me, too. Or maybe you're having a more generalized "It's Monday, oh-my-fucking-gawd" freak out? In either case, please allow Peckerwood Manor's esteemed DJ Li'l Scratch to take you away. Many of you already know about Li'l Scratch, as he regularly lays tracks at "Heavy D's," the Manor's exclusive after-hours club.  Today he's spinning Teri Thornton, a vibrant, husky-voiced jazz singer and piano player who hailed from Detroit. In 1961, she exploded onto the scene with her debut LP, "Devil May Care," demonstrating show-stopping vocal prowess. The reviews were through the roof and so was the public reception, yet just as suddenly - poof - she vanished after a few more LPs, her career thwarted by market changes given the rise of rock 'n' roll. And that was that. She was all but forgotten, reduced to driving a taxi to make ends meet.  But in a jaw-dropping comeback, she re
Read more