WHO'S THE THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Camilla Parker Bowles? Common & Jennifer Hudson? Or Armie Hammer & Brittany Schmitt?

Welcome to the latest edition of "Who's The Thirstiest Ho? (formally known as "Thirsty Or Not Thirsty?" because change is good). 

Today's candidates are a starry lot, and you can't get any starrier than our first candidate, Camilla Parker Something-Something-Homewrecking-Whore Bowles, who is justly celebrated for playing an awe-inspiring gold-digging game better than anyone with a face like a scrotum ever has before. No, really. Slow clap, Camilla. I mean, imagine that face going down on you. She has to be good at something, right? No gag reflex, perhaps? Or maybe she's a much-coveted "3 car garage," as the kids say, who likes oral, vaginal and anal. The mind reels (and the mouth hurls). 

Just this week, Camilla called "The Daily Mail" "The Daily Mail" exclusively reported that this formally double-dipping sex bomb is about to release a documentary concerning domestic violence and sexual abuse. "Why?" you ask. Have a seat, chickens, I'll tell you. Because Camilla's endless road to PR redemption and sainthood will never be complete, despite becoming a "Consort Queen" (You: "Why don't they just call her a 'Whore Queen?'") (Me with a heavy sigh: "Why, indeed"), plus it's good to keep busy in your dotage by being the star of a documentary about abusive spouses. Whether said abuse will encompass wretched cheating spouses and snaggletoothed side pieces is not yet known, but Camilla promises that it will be "gritty." She also promises, I'm sure, to get as much fawning press as she can. In other words, as far as PR games go, it's on Meghan, and Camilla plays to win. 

The results are in: Camilla is thirsty!

I have a soft spot for out next two candidates, Jennifer Hudson and Common. Jennifer because she's talented and seems sweet; Common because he's talented and I want to sit on his face (oh, stop it, like you wouldn't!). Neither are known for being particularly thirsty, but recently, they transformed into A-level parched tricks when Jennifer had Common on her talk show and coyly asked him, "Dating anyone?" Yes, you guessed it, Jennifer and Common are dating - which they just had to announce on her nationally syndicated show for everyhor to see. Common even gave her an oversized bouquet of flowers for the occasion, then he really yanked our chains by sheepishly muttering, "We keep it private." 

On second thought, maybe Common has been thirsty all along, because mantart has never met a famous trick who isn't worth boinking for the pap stroll. Or so it seems. I speak of Common and Eryka Badu, I speak of Common and Serena Williams, I speak of Common and Taraji P., I speak of Common and Tiffany Haddish. What's the matter, Common, no love for Jada? Actually, there was, because he once appeared on her now-cancelled "Red Table Talk" show to plug his memoir - because of course he wrote a memoir! - and announced he'd "like to be a husband" one day. Sure Jan gif, after you dump Jennifer and hop on Miss Debbie Allen, because fame costs, my dear - and here's where you start paying in sweat. 

The results are in: Common is thirsty!

The results are in: Jennifer is thirsty!

And now for something really dark-sided from a "Harpo, who's that woman?" stand-up comic, aka Brittany Schmitt, who just shot a new special and apparently needs to drum up some vomit-inducing pre-publicity. This week on a podcast appropriately called "This Is The Worst," Brittany revealed that she once dated everyone's favorite alleged rapist/cannibal, Armie Hammer. But don't worry about Brittany. Everything she experienced with Armie was "positive."

What's "everything?" Oh, you know, on their first date, he "branded" her, or carved out tats on her hands with a knife, giving her what he called "Cannibal Ink." "They're cute," she said on the podcast. "It was just stick and poke. My bad in not noticing a red flag!" As they continued to date, he ordered a tattoo gun and was very open about his cannibal kink, which included biting her "really fucking hard." But he would stop when she asked him to. "I was consensual with everything," she said, adding that they liked to have sex talk about him putting it "inside her" and her sticking "a finger up his butt." This, kiddies, is crab-infested, bottom-feeding thirst. On one hand, I feel sorry for this dim bulb. On the other, aren't there better ways to promote her so-called comedy "career?" Excuse me while I take a Silkwood shower and find a baby bunny to kiss. 

The verdict is in: Brittany is thirsty!

The verdict is in: For the sake of his inevitable comeback, Armie would like to be excluded from this conversation, but still wants that finger up his butt.

So let's have it! Who's the thirstiest ho of the week? Let's discuss, shall we? 

Photo Credits: Shutterstock, Telepictures/Warner Bros., Brittany Schmitt/Instagram