WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HO? Is It Billie Eilish? Or Chris Cuomo? Or David Mamet's Nepo Baby?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than all those nasty couch cushion crumbs you've yet to vacuum up, so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, someone forgot to tell me that April was Clam Bumping Month™, because this week, not one, but two, female tarlets proudly announced that they're Lawrence Welk fans, if'n you get me drift. The first, Sophia Bush, a 40-ish actress formerly married to someone named Chad Michael Murray, and someone else named Grant Hughes, made headlines by announcing that her new lesbean lover is retired soccer star, Ashlyn Harris. "Sophia Bush Hard-Launches New Relationship!" announced The Daily Beast in a boner-shock headline that missed the ham wallet point by a mile. But whatevs. Welcome to the alphabet club, Sophia. Is Sophia thirsty? I don't think so, since she's not simultaneously promoting a new book, album, or sex toy. She's just happy to live in her own rubyfruit jungle. Congrats, sugar.

On the other finger-banging doughnut hole glazed hand, we have Billie Eilish - pictured above in a sloth-like "I'll just dangle on this chair like a broke dick" pose - who reportedly has a "daring" upcoming album to flog. In this instance, let's go ahead and call it a hard launch, because Billie really-really wants to catch our attention as a newly out scissor sister. Hide the cat and don't tell mama, because she boldly told Rolling Stone, "I realized I wanted my face in a vagina!" which is amusing, on one hand, but desperately parched on the other. 

Yet is it also understandable? In a current pop landscape with wall-to-wall Yawnce and TayTay, you have to do something to break through the noise, don't you? And I guess Billie and her publicity hors decided that the noisiest thing Billie has in her arsenal is her minge-yodeling mouth. Welcome to the alphabet club, Billie. Oh, and while she also told Rolling Stone, “I know everybody’s been thinking this about me for years and years!" I want to assure her that (a) I was not; and (b) slow clap for you, sis, working that Shrub Scout stroll for album sales and Spotify plays. 

The verdict is in: Billie is thirsty!

Next up, in "Wa-wa-wa! I want my high-paying job back!" we have Chris Cuomo, who was famously booted from his cushy CNN gig after it was discovered that he was assisting his brother, then-governor Andrew, in his efforts to avoid sexual harassment charges, only to himself face sexual harassment charges just before he was fired. Kinfolk, amirite? Chris has since been earning a pittance as a correspondent for NewsNation, a loser MAGA news org that even MAGA stalwarts avoid (except for Marjorie Taylor Greene) (because of course Marjorie Taylor Greene).

But twist! In a world where pestilent piles of steaming caca like Harvey Weinstein can get a new trial and Bill Cosby can be set free, Chris could be on his way back to CNN. But before you presume that this has anything to do with #MeToo dying a slow death, which it is, in this case, it has more to do with our favorite old standby: money. CNN's ratings are in the dumper, and though they've tried to mint new stars since letting Chris go - including Gayle King and Charles Barkley in their joint gab fest, an embarrassing, short-lived dud - nothing has worked. "All they have now is Anderson Cooper," said Anderson, a source with a high-pitched girly giggle.

Double twist! This week, Chris' and CNN began whispering to the press and testing the waters about Chris returning to the fold. "Everyone loves a comeback!" a so-called source squealed excitedly to Variety, while another noted that Chris and CNN could work things out - and, lo, just in time for primary election coverage in November, a time when CNN really can't afford to get any more lost in the shuffle. “Although Chris isn’t talking about this openly," said yet another source, or Chris using Tooner, the favored 'tween app to make you sound like a squeaky cartoon mouse or bunny rabbit, "he misses his old job (and) really loves being on TV!” Frankly, my money's on Chris making a "triumphant" return to CNN. After all, they've already welcomed back correspondent Jeffrey "Helicopter Peen" Toobin, who famously masturbated on Zoom in front of his coworkers. Keep making those calls, Chris. In the age of #MeTooDead, persistence is a dehydrated twatwaffle's best maneuver.

The verdict is in: Chris is thirsty!

Speaking of #MeTooDead and all things awful, behold once revered, Pulitzer Prize winning playwright David Mamet, pictured above with his blooming boozer nose - swoon! - who this week had many thoughts to share about his work, his future and his children while promoting his memoir, “Everywhere an Oink Oink.” If you're guessing that bitterness, the unfairness of racial equality and hypocritical family values have anything to do with this tirade, you win the beanie button, because in the long years since his first stage success, David has gone from garden variety liberal to full out, Trump-loving MAGA slut. Can a new Mamet play starring Roseanne Barr and Scott Baio be far behind?

In terms of bitterness, David is still furious with Brian De Palma, who directed "The Untouchables" from a screenplay penned by David. "For why?" you understandably ask. "It was a big hit." Because, silly, the movie's most famous scene was not written by him. A little backstory: while they were shooting, the producers ran out of money - and just before they were about to shoot the expensive train-crashing action finale. Paramount, the financier, basically told them, "Too bad. No extra money for David's train crash. We ain't giving you a nickle more." De Palma shrugged and said, "Meh. Give me a few guns, a baby carriage and long staircase and we good." And so the classic finale, a dazzling hat tip to "Battleship Potemkin," was born, which caused David, just as the movie was released, to step before the press and loudly proclaim it all to be "Cockamamie!"

He's doing that again - dude, chill, "The Untouchables" was released almost 40 years ago - along with blasting Hollywood's attempts at diversity, equity and inclusion. It's all "fascist!" he bellowed, and part of the "damn woke brigade!" Oh, and gender-neutral bathrooms? “It politicizes the human excretory function!" he wailed. But his best bit? Get ready, 'cause it's a doozy. He claimed that his daughter, Zosia Mamet, is not a nepo baby. She earned her acting career, he said, "by her own merit" and by observing his work on movie sets - hilariously failing to realize that only nepo babies can observe their parents working on movie sets. I don't know if David got cracked on the noggin by a flying baby carriage years ago or what's going on, but if you're De Palma, a BIPOC person who'd like to be in the movies, or a trans person (other than Caitlyn Jenner) who'd like to use the restroom in goddamn peace, then you're in his Burn Book.

The verdict is in: David is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched. 

Photo Credits: Elder Ordonez/SplashNews; Getty Images; Los Angeles Times