WHO'S THIS WEEK'S THIRSTIEST HOR? Is It Teresa Giudice? Or Eugenio Casnighi (Who?)? Or Sophia Coppola's Dry Lips?

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a gnarled stick of beef jerky (see: Madonna), so they need all the moisture they can get.

First up, what's a little felony bankruptcy fraud worth to you? For table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member, Teresa Giudice, it’s worth about eleven months behind bars, which is where she first took up yoga, she says, because "I just had to get my mind-space clear!" Seen above with brand new inner-tube lips and custom head transplant - created exclusively by Bobbleheads 'R' Us - Teresa has kept busy selling her branded sparkling wine called "Fabelllini," supporting Donald Trump's re-election campaign, and lately, attending Coachella, because of course she was at Coachella. And, yes, she bum-rushed every celebrity and "influencer" within spitting distance to get a selfie with them. 

She struck gold when she managed to get a picture with Taylor Swift, which the press - hi, Teresa! - are already calling "iconic.” Recounting their brief run-in, Teresa said she first asked Taylor if she knew who she was, and Taylor was like, "Yes," though unbeknownst to Teresa, TayTay was crossing her fingers behind her back all sneaky-like because she's clever that way. "She was really sweet and I'm all about that!" shrieked Teresa to anyone who would listen. "We should all be amazing to each other that way! She touched my heart!" Did she really? That's a hell of a lot to get from someone in a two-second selfie-taking interaction, but Teresa insists that her and TayTay are likethis now. "Two absolute QUEENS!" she captioned her photo on Instagram, though all I see is a pop star du jour next to what I can only assume is a slender pile of desperation, MAGA farts (The NYC Courtroom Edition™), plus a wig and hat from BJ's Wholesale. Nice try, Teresa, but you're still dehydrated. 

The verdict is in: Teresa is thirsty!

Next up, we have Eugenio Casnighi, a deliciously tall, 26 year-old Italian model (his shoe size is 10.5!) (and I hear he's a grower!). Eugenio’s appeared in all sorts of popular campaigns for Calvin Klein, Guess, and many more, while also working as a graphic designer at a fancy Manhattan firm. That's him above being all graphic designer-ish, or perhaps just hanging out at his neighborhood Starbucks and wondering what date New Year's falls on this year. Bless! As if his life couldn't be even more exciting, he's also been the "official greeter" at Anna Wintour's Met Gala for several years, wherein he welcomes arriving celebutards alongside another model. But, yo, he got fired just before this year's Gala. "Scandalo!" I say, which is Italian for "What the fuck?"

Why did he get fired, you ask? Eugenio was only too happy to tell the press this week. See, at last year's Gala, he was paired with a useless clump of human-like flesh (or Kyle Jenner), while greeting arriving guests. As luck would have it, pictures of him went viral worldwide, which is understandable because he's so very slurpy to look at. Also understandable? Most of the viral pics of him pointedly cropped out that useless clump of human-like flesh aside him. This, according to Eugenio, did not sit well with the K-Klan, which, for reasons known only to Satan’s leaky butt boil, did not please Anna, so poor Eugenio was fired from his coveted greeter gig. "They just can't handle your beauty!" one fan wrote on his Instagram. Sad, yes, but I'm sure Eugenio will be fine and continue his career as a successful male glamazon, a graphic designer and a model on OnlyFans who shows off his puckering pink squeaker. Oops! I assumed he was doing the last one, but he's not there yet, surprisingly. You really should think about it, Eugenio, because the attention you're lapping up this week won't last long. 

The verdict is in: Eugenio is thirsty!

Finally, can I get a "Too Kewl For Skewl" up in here, because the living embodiment of an aging Heather wants our attention. I speak, of course, about Sophia Coppola, the legendarily awful actress and Roman Polanski superfan who's also known as a nepo-baby director of eDgY indie movies, some of which are quite good, like "The Virgin Suicides," some of which are stupefying and racist-adjacent, like "The Beguiled," all of them seemingly existing within their own hermitically-sealed-off world of casual privilege and "ironic" Kings of Leon cool. If you don't get it, you're not invited to the party, you regular! Only Maggie Gyllenhaal knows the password and she doesn't even know you exist!

Sophia must have looked askance at Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop enterprise lately and thought, "I can do that, but I’ll do it much more twee and precious and with even more nepo baby privilege!" because this week, she proudly announced the release of her very own branded lip balm in collaboration with skin care brand, Augustinus Bader. They're very special because they're offered in light tints, all of them inspired, she breathlessly told The New York Times, by the moist, bee-stung lips of several actresses who appeared in Polanski's 1979 film "Tess," an adaptation of Thomas Hardy's "Tess of the d'Ubervilles" which, as you may know, starred the then 17 year-old Nastassja Kinski, whom Polanski had an affair with - because of course the 45 year-old Polanski had an affair with a 17 year-old. If you don't get it, you're not invited to the party, you regular! Oh, and those lip balms? They're about $50.00 a pop with shipping. But if you're thirsting for that nepo baby, child molesting, dewy-lipped look? So worth it! 

The verdict is in: Sophia is thirsty!

Now your part begins! Who, oh who, is this week's thirstiest ho? Please, no substitutes, and you may only choose one. Choose wisely. Only the most dehydrated deserve to be drenched.

Photo Credits; Louisaruelas/Instagram; Eugeni0/Instagram; Getty Images