Peckerwood Manor

Welcome, fellow trollops, to the latest edition of "Who's This Week's Thirstiest Ho?" Today's trio are drier than a gnarled stick of beef jerky (see: Madonna), so they need all the moisture they can get. First up, what's a little felony bankruptcy fraud worth to you? For table-flipping "Real Housewives of New Jersey" cast member,  Teresa Giudice , it’s worth about eleven months behind bars, which is where she first took up yoga, she says, because "I just had to get my mind-space clear!" Seen above with brand new inner-tube lips and custom head transplant - created exclusively by Bobbleheads 'R' Us - Teresa has kept busy selling her branded sparkling wine called "Fabelllini," supporting Donald Trump's re-election campaign, and lately, attending Coachella, because of course she was at Coachella. And, yes, she bum-rushed every celebrity and "influencer" within spitting distance to get a selfie with them.  She s

Did you know? It's National Vanilla Cupcake Day! Crazy, right? What ghey do they tie up in a backroom and force to come up with these holidays? And what, you ask, does Britney have to do with this (beyond being a "Hi'ya!" to Madame Fleur, our resident Brit-Brit expert)? Thanks for asking! You see, the very idea of vanilla got me to thinking:  What's Good Vanilla and Bad Vanilla? For example, I think we can all agree that in her heyday, Britney was Good Vanilla and put out excellent vanilla pop music for the masses. Similarly, I think we can all agree that Chet Haze is Bad Vanilla, and on any day, past or present, puts out bad vanilla rap for the few incels who listen to him.  Below, I've put together two lists that I hope you can add to, if only to lead your fellow Peckers to Good Vanilla things, and help them street clear of the bad.  GOOD VANILLA 1) Britney. For reasons elaborated upon above. 2) Whitney Houston. Don't hate. In the early peak of her caree

Today's Open Post was gifted to you by our very own supremely handsome and talented Ecce Homo! He says: So this is an actual thing I own. A couple months ago I was in the boss's office at work and saw this folded piece of cardboard in the corner of the outer office. When I unfolded it, it was a hauntingly realistic facsimile of La Taylor! I asked them whose was it? Why was it here? How long had it been there? No one knew, so I said I was taking it home and if someone wanted it I'd happily return it. So I took her home and hung her on the inside of my apartment door. But the dogs kept staring at her and growling. Look, I get it. Like us humans, even our four-legged friends can be intimidated by Taylor's unique alchemy of talent, presence, charisma, and lyrical acuity. So I put her on the closet door of my bedroom. But then I started growling at it - even cowering until I threw an old t-shirt over it! Look, I get it. Like our canine pals, even humans can be intimidated b

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Mizcynical! In this edition of "Fake Ass PR Relationship That I’m Tired Of Pretending Is A Real Relationship," we have Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs football player Travis Kelce. Heard of them? It’s been - what? - less than 2 weeks since we saw that staged video of Travis and Taylor (sporting a Chiefs jersey tied around her waist) walking through a football locker room, not quite holding hands and making eye contact with someone’s cell phone camera? I’m already sick and tired of hearing about it. Let me start by saying my annoyance with this "relationship" doesn’t stem from being some football purist whose head is ready to explode because of the recent influx of Swifties becoming interested in football due to their coupling. Typically, the only way I know what’s going on with the sport is if I happen to catch a pa

Would you cheat on this? That the question every hor is asking themselves this morning, because yesterday, the luminous Jodie-Turner Smith filed for divorce from acceptable, mildly doable man-schlub, Joshua Jackson. Why, you ask? Because allegedly he had a case of the wandering scrotum-totem. Yes, he cheated on her , not the other way around, which is confusifying on so many levels that I just cannot. I mean, look at her. Look. At. Her. What in micro-peen man-whore hell was he thinking?  Jodie's asking for joint custody of their 3 year-old crotch dropping - and get this: there's no prenup. Which means this could potentially get very messy, but then what did we expect? They first met at Usher's 40th birthday party. If that's not stanky-bad juju, I don't know what is. Since Jodie's net worth is allegedly $5 million and Joshua's is allegedly $8 million, expect Jodie to get a hefty chunk of Joshua's cheese - not that kind, you shameless tramp - given that sh