THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "I’m Tired Of Pretending Taylor Swift And Travis Kelce Have A Real Relationship!" by Mizcynical!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" presents urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Mizcynical!

In this edition of "Fake Ass PR Relationship That I’m Tired Of Pretending Is A Real Relationship," we have Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs football player Travis Kelce. Heard of them? It’s been - what? - less than 2 weeks since we saw that staged video of Travis and Taylor (sporting a Chiefs jersey tied around her waist) walking through a football locker room, not quite holding hands and making eye contact with someone’s cell phone camera? I’m already sick and tired of hearing about it.

Let me start by saying my annoyance with this "relationship" doesn’t stem from being some football purist whose head is ready to explode because of the recent influx of Swifties becoming interested in football due to their coupling. Typically, the only way I know what’s going on with the sport is if I happen to catch a passing glance and see a hottie like Cam Newton, Jalen Hurts, or Tony Gonzalez on the screen.

I’ve hated football for as far back as I can remember. I’ve always felt that football being "America’s sport" kept Americans numb and dumb; a distracting form of entertainment used by the powers that be to fuck us over in other aspects of our lives. I hate our culture of glorifying jocks and elevating them to hero status because they can "throw a ball good" and bring in millions of dollars. Our culture of hero worship usually leads to turning a blind eye to some egregious behavior while cultivating a mentality that these guys can do no wrong. I’m loathe to admire any of them because it usually turns out they’re a criminal, lying, cheating, spoiled, or an abusive POS. Colin Kaepernick’s civil rights activism and the subsequent national uproar it caused were proof that the only way to get Americans’ attention was to interrupt their precious game.

As a Pennsylvania resident during the Penn State/Jerry Sandusky/Joe Paterno debacle, you had a better chance of having a civil conversation asking someone their political party affiliation, views on abortion and their sex life than how they felt about their sainted "Joe Pa" being implicated in that disgusting sex abuse scandal.

I think my annoyance at this arrangement is that Travis doesn’t need this additional PR boost! I know who he is because he’s been everywhere since his Super Bowl win this past February. Travis and his brother Jason gained national attention earlier this year because Travis plays for the Kansas City Chiefs and Jason for the Philadelphia Eagles. The brothers played against each other in this year’s Super Bowl - which is highly unusual. In the end, Travis and his team won this year’s Super Bowl. In our sports obsessed culture, their mother is a bit of a celebrity, too, because she produced not just one football playing son, but two Super Bowl contender sons! So is Taylor being spotted next to Travis’ mom the equivalent of receiving the Queen’s blessing? I dunno.

In the past year, Jason has hosted "Saturday Night Live" and been featured in a vaccine commercial, a DirecTV commercial, a State Farm commercial, an Experian commercial, etc. Basically, it’s time for him to GET OFF OF MY TELEVISION! And now, with this PR stunt relationship, I’m willing to bet I won’t stop seeing him until after Super Bowl 2024 (when I’m guessing their arrangement is contractually obligated to expire).

TMZ asked Mark Cuban the other day what he thought of their relationship (eye roll) and he had the audacity to say that "Taylor doesn’t need the PR." Is he high? Has he not been paying attention that this trick’s entire career is based on breakup songs? Or that she needs a new romance to quickly make the public forget that her last boyfriend, Matty Healy, was a bit, um, problematic, to say the least? I’m sure TayTay fired her PR people who didn’t do their due diligence in vetting that guy and his long, publicized history of racist statements and behavior. And by "due diligence," I mean a five-second Google search. Like page 1 of the search results. Do better #TeamTay!

Honestly, I can’t think of a more genius PR move than Taylor being paired with a popular all-American football star to make the public forget how close she was to ruining her image. I bow down to the new PR team, lawyers & agents that put this arrangement in place. It’s a smart move on a couple of different levels. 1 - Football (for all the reasons I stated above). 2 - Has Tay had a "dating the popular jock" phase yet in her career? No? Then this latest love interest fits perfectly into her wholesome girl next door, landing the popular jock image that’ll appeal to her mentally perpetually-stuck-in-high-school fans and her fans who are actually in high school.

But what’s really taken my annoyance to a level 10 is the media going all in on this arrangement and pretending as though Travis, who clearly has a type based on his exes Maya Benberry (the winner of his E! dating show) and Kayla Nicole, would genuinely want to date this Queen of the Basics. I’m not saying that one can’t be attracted to different types of people and ethnicities, but TSwift is not quite like the others. Travis tries to identify with Black culture from the women he dates to his way of speaking. As I’m staunchly pro-anything that would get David Duke riled up and saying that Travis is "betraying his race" like he has about a few other white male celebs, this erasure of Travis’ dating history hits differently. #interracial love

What say you? Is this PR stunt making your head explode? Are you buying this relationship?

Photo Credits: Getty Images, Jarrett Payton / X