THE ROVING PECKER PRESENTS: "Brad And Angie Fight Club" by KidL77!

Greetings, Manor Hors! Periodically, "The Roving Pecker" will present urgent missives from filthy esteemed guest writers. Today's is from Kid77: 

I don’t know who originally said, “Nothing lasts forever” but whoever it was, they should amend that shit to say, “Nothing lasts forever except the Brangelina divorce.” 

The legally single pair are still battling it out in the courts - still! - and it’s only getting uglier. The last we heard, Brad was suing St. Angie over the sale of her the shares in their French winery, Mirval, to a Russian oligarch, Yuri Shefler. According to Brad, the pair agreed not to sell their shares without getting approval from the other. Brad claimed Angie violated that agreement, and also claimed Shefler was shady AF and had ties to everyone’s favorite shirtless dictator, Vladmir Putin. Shefler denies this and says Putin called for his death (sure, Yuri, take a number). In the current issue of "Vanity Fair," there’s an in-depth article detailing all the fuckery that has gone down over this winery.  

Some surprises include a source close to Brad (read: Brad’s PR ho) shitting on St. Angie’s claim that she invested $60 million of her own money in the winery. Instead, they insist it was “only $38 million,” and that she had practically nothing to do with building the Mirval rose brand, which has since gone on to make millions in profits. 

In response to Brad’s lawsuit, St. Angie filed ninety-eight pages of court papers on July 10th suing Pitt for $350 million. The papers, which reportedly called him a “petulant child," contain this gem: 

“During the years that [Brad Pitt] allegedly ‘built’ the business, he filmed and appeared in dozens of movies, not to mention making countless promotional appearances, jetting-setting [sic] around the world for…premieres, and attending Hollywood parties. While he no doubt visited the vineyards to admire the work of the French laborers who actually made the business successful, Pitt is no vigneron.” Damn! 

Also, what is legal-speak for “fuck you?” Because St. Angie wasn’t done. She denies that she or Shefler hurt Brad’s reputation by bringing up Brad’s adventures in home-building in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina - in which many people were stuck with uninhabitable homes - as well as his association with Harvey Weinstein, whom they note he continued to work with after knowing he was a POS who had harassed both St. Angie and Brad’s former GF, Gwyneth Paltrow. 

While some might believe there are no winners here, they are wrong: The army of divorce and contract attorneys these two have hired in the past 3 years alone are clearly the winners (likewise, the losers are the poor trees that lost their lives so they could be turned into paper for the endless legal filings these two have produced). 

At this point, both of them should reach out directly to law schools and make offers of employment to entire graduating classes. It would be the biggest act of humanitarianism they've ever done: Those student loan debts would be gone in months and those new attorneys could save tons on housing by moving into the L.A. courthouses. Lastly, this would be a teaching moment to any loved-up young ‘uns who think they have found The One (well, that or someone they wanna bang for at least the next 2 years). To mashup quotes by two of favorite TV court judges, “Atilla the Hun is fun for a few dates, but pretty fades and dumb lasts forever.” Seriously, kids, do not go into business with your piece or at least get that shit in writing! 

Photo Credits: Getty Images; AMPAS REX