The Incredible Shrinking Jonah Hill!

 

Get in line, ladies! Faster than you can sing "Oh, oh, Ozempic!," there's a new man in town. Or is there? You'll have to squint, because it's actually everyone's favorite romancer, Jonah Hill. Hot off the heels of his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, accusing him of mental abuse, and Alexa Nikolas, a former child actress who claimed that he physically assaulted her as a teenager, Jonah's is back and he's working the ho stroll with a whole new look. Or a lot less of his look, 'cause he's skinny as a string bean and sporting a sassy new buzz cut. Surely gals everywhere are swooning, amirite?

Okay, so maybe not Sarah Brady, whom Jonah forbad from posting pictures on her Instagram account in her swimsuit - even though she's a surf instructor. "I respect your love of surfing," he texted her, "but I respect myself, as well!" This, he claimed, was coming from a very "vulnerable place." He further demanded that she "paddle away from any man (who) approaches you in the water, no matter their age. I literally am the best boyfriend!" 

Well that settles that. Jonah was in therapy at the time - both individual and couples therapy with Brady - and even produced a Netflix documentary about his Israeli therapist, Phil Stuz, called, "Stutz." No matter that some critics noted that Stutz seemed more like a "cult leader than a therapist." Besides, the movie is in black-and-white, so we know it's serious. And therapy, as we all know, consists of chanting affirmations about "self-acceptance" and "loving your inner child." It's all about healing. 

Not so healing? Allegedly slamming Nickolodeon's "Zoey 101" star, Alexa Nikolas, against a door, then kissing her without her consent - "He put his tongue right in my mouth," she recalled on a recent podcast - when she was 16 years old, leaving her terrified and furious. If only she could have loved her inner child (even though she was already a child!) (whoopsie!). 

"I was gross, fat and unattractive," Jonah once said of himself as a child. Let's hope he's loving that child now. It certainly seems like he is - or at least casting it aside with helpful pharmaceuticals. And if he treats women vengefully because of it? No matter. He's healing. He is "literally" "the best boyfriend."

Photo Credits: Juliano/X17online.com, Netflix