Famous Guys and Their Dubious Dating Histories

Buzzfeed got my attention recently because I wanted to link some quizzes for us to take and see what people came up with—just a little mid-week fun. And there might be an opportunity to find some juicy gossip, but not that day, comrades. However, I found a story about some Kardashian fucking a purple elf on a jet to Jupiter because they heard that is where the real fountain of youth is. Bon voyage! Don't come back!

Next to that 34th article about those idiots planted by PMK and her plastic disciples, I saw a story about famous guys everyone loves who are actually skeevy creepers who have never been held accountable for dating teenagers. I shrugged and figured it would be boring and nothing to write about or share, yet why not? I considered there might be a string to follow, and I was curious about the men people loved who had done this. Worthy of a peruse, I figured. 

The first face was 90s be-coiffed Bradley Pitt, in a chambray shirt looking like a mall store for men in the valley, upchucked a basic, and it landed at The Beverly Center. I had forgotten about good old Teflon Brad Pitt and his "picking up high school girls" days. He was 27 when he started dating 17 year old Juliette Lewis, and no one gave a flying fig, so there was no pushback or outrage. He dated Shalane McCall when she was 15; he was in his mid-20s, same with Christina Applegate. These were not one-offs; it is a damn pattern, yet nothing happened to him. Several years later, in an interview, Juliette said he was a fantastic boyfriend and some other clueless stuff, gushing over him like he came down to earth as a gift from the angels. Granted, she grew up as a Scientologist, and they treat their kids like shit, er mini-adults, and they worship at the altar of celebrity; it is still illegal in California. It is still Statutory Rape, even if the minor consented. It was a different time; people told me this was the excuse. Even now, if you bring this up, there are excuses made because it is a fact that nothing sticks to Teflon Brad, even when he boldly flouts the law.

It was a different time, sure, but not in my family. Brad's illicit relationships with underage girls were only a few scant years before my dad threatened to whoop my sister's 24 year old hidden boyfriend's ass because she was only freshly 16. John, the bass player, was never seen again. I am unsure what he said, but John Boy skedaddled like his dick was on fire. California law said good old bass playing Johnny belonged in prison for sleeping with a minor. (nosey me peeked through a door to see what was happening, and my sister acted defiant and mouthy. I really wanted my mom to throw a shoe upside her head, but John legged it, which was the disappointing end of the drama)So it "was a different time" isn't a good excuse, not even for pretty blonde actors with aww shucks smiles. Then why does Teflon Brad get so, so, so many passes on everything? It is because he's an extreme case of an untouchable superstar with mighty protectors whom he has made fortunes for, and he's got that magic double trifecta: white, heterosexual, good-looking and All-American, pseudo-humble, and rich. That mix is like a forcefield where nothing can permeate that bitch. Nothing. Not even Katrina victims suffering in ramshackle moldy odes to his ego made a dent. 

Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis went even younger. It didn't go over well in Jerry Lee's case but it didn't end their careers. Priscilla has said nothing sexual happened when she met Elvis at the tender age of 14 (and he was 24) because he respected her. Um, that's not the point. He should not have looked at a child like a potential partner or felt anything romantic in any way at all. He was so taken with her after seeing her at a party that he acted like a besotted teenager and asked to see her again. It began a courtship, and when she was 21, they married. It would be reasonable if someone accused him of grooming her, and yet *crickets*. I guess Elvis was held to a different standard that didn't expand beyond Graceland. 

Jerry Lee Lewis declared his love by marrying his 13 year old cousin against her parents will. Still, they accepted it over time because there was no recourse except to get law enforcement involved, and that wasn't an avenue they wanted to explore. The marriage was primarily unknown until Lewis insisted his baby bride join him on a tour of the UK. Management warned him that the British press hated Americans, and he didn't listen. He learned about the famous tabloids for real once they started dismantling his career. Americans followed, but it was more because they were related and less about the age difference, though both together was a bridge too far. After a brief exile, he returned to his music career, becoming a country music star with a string of hits. He was enrolled in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because he was still considered a rock-n-roll great. ('Great' pervert!! But no one asked me for my expert opinion.)

It was the late 80s when Luc Besson, the director of The 5th Element, met Maïwenn Le Croup when she was 12, and by 16, they were married, and she was expecting their first baby. That Man/Child undercurrent existed in his movie The Professional, and it was hard to ignore the lead actor's tension with 12 year old Natalie Portman. Still, thankfully, the film never explored this. I guess Besson had either a moment of getting it or was told "NON" by the producers. Nevertheless, he based it on his relationship, and we know something lurid did happen in that relationship. Luc had his MeToo moment, and scores of women told their stories off the record, and his career carried on unabated. Directors seem to get more passes because they are supposed to be complex, and we should separate the art from the artist. Even then, some artists like Balthus made art so outrageous that some of it never gets shown anymore. Excuses were made for his pubescent sensual images, but the violent ones aren't welcome in many galleries worldwide. I saw his paintings in high school Art History, and what I saw was not a brilliant artist but some kiddienapper in a metaphorical 70s van asking young girls if they wanted to play with his kitten.

All these men still have or had careers, and some became legends. Could it be the age of the man and the age of his fandom? Oh yeah, I forgot, those were different times. No one could get a movie like Louis Malle's Pretty Baby made anymore, mainly starring a 12 year old lead actress. 

Dane Cook is included on this list, and I have no idea why; he's getting severe side-eye for his 17 year old, though the man swears she was 18 when they got together. An enterprising Instagram detective found photo evidence showing the truth about him and his creepy friends. He didn't get the announcement that nobody liked his plastic surgery nightmare mug, and no one bought what he was selling. Dane is repulsive to his peers, the public, children, small animals, and even ghosts who refuse to haunt him. He is just that disgusting. 

Women may be having a moment when there is equality on the horizon. If we squint and hope, we can see a faint glimmer of something starting to change. Women may be having our time, MeToo ripples on, and the net is still there to catch assholes, so we look back and vow that we will not repeat this lazy disregard for famous male predators preying on girls. Until then, if you see Teflon Brad throw something at him, it might bounce off, but at least you will have tried. 

(photos:Getty and Alamy)